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2nd date!

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HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/24/2013 16:01 PM

Second date with the suspected poofer who didn't actually poof and still hasn't just yet.

He messaged me Thursday and asked if I was still going over that night. I said I would and asked what he wanted to do and if he wanted to take his dog out and then maybe pop to the pub. He told me we could take the dog out but he was very skint until payday next weekend. Preferring a calming drink as opposed to sitting in his house, I told him that I would get him a drink.

So we took to dog out which went fine and then we went to the pub. I was driving so wasn't planning on having more than 2 drinks. So I drove to the pub. I got him the drink, for which he said thank you and we played pool for a while. Then we had a few more drinks. I bought them all which wasn't a problem and he did say thank you, but I felt weird, as if there wasn't any REAL gratitude there. There was no offer to buy some back next time or whatever. I didn't buy them to get some back, but the offer would have been nice. He did pay for 2 games of pool, aside from that I don't think he had any money on him.

Soooo, we left the 2nd pub and I was planning on just dropping him home and then making my way home too which is half an hours drive away.

I got pulled by the police as soon as I left the car park, apparently for swerving to avoid a parked car, which I don't think I did.

I made sure not to drink too much, but I had had nothing to eat that day and had also just started taking anti depressants but that's another story.

The police were asking questions, like had I been drinking, how many, where I was from, where I had been. He asked me to step out of the car, already knew my name and walked me behind my car to the police car where he stood with me outside. He was talking on the radio for a few minutes. Then said that he was going to breathalyse me because when he first pulled me over he thought I was slurring but now seemed fine fine so told me 'on your way'.

I have never been soooo scared in my life! I don't think I was over the limit but worried in case as I hadn't eaten and had started taking new medication.

So I went back into his house and he made me some tea. Then after about half an hour I left, worried in case I was over the limit and getting pulled over again.

The whole thing seemed a bit off. He was quite happy for me to drive home, not that I would have stayed there had he offered a spare room but there just seemed to be no concern at all.

Didn't text to make sure I got home okay. And was quite happy taking drinks all evening. I know I offered and that's fine but it just seemed brushed off, like it was nothing.


InnerLight posted 8/24/2013 16:10 PM

I think your gut is right on.. This doesn't seem like a guy very concerned about your health and happiness. I'd take a pass on him.

One drink takes about an hour to pass thru your system so 2 drinks would take 2 hours. If you didn't wait that long before driving you may have been over the legal limit. With all the costs of a DUI -about $5000 - you are playing it really close to the edge.

Glad you are safe.

This guy better have a terrific date planned for you next time to prove he's not an ungrateful lump!

newlysingle posted 8/24/2013 16:35 PM

I think I would have been turned off by the "broke until payday" in the first place. I know that money is tight for all of us at times and I've also lived paycheck to paycheck at points in my life. So I don't mean to judge him like that, but I'd be concerned that this was a chronic issue for him.

The not being concerned about you driving him home and accepting drinks so easily concerns me too. Time to move on.

stillstrong posted 8/25/2013 12:30 PM

I agree with the others. NO care or concern there for you. You deserve better.

phmh posted 8/25/2013 14:40 PM

If I'm reading your question right, it seems like you might be interested in seeing him again if he asked?

If so, I think you need to go NC on him and spend a couple of hours reading at

You deserve so much better. There are great guys out there. Please don't settle!

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/25/2013 16:40 PM

Thanks all.

I didn't think much of these things at first, but when I had time to think they really started to bother me.

I consider myself a considerate person and I would have definitely text him at least to make sure he got home ok. Didn't get that.

My feelings towards the situation have really changed now and I am pretty sure I am not interested in seeing him again. I wasn't bowled over anyway but thought it might be something worth seeing how it went. May as well just cut my losses right?

Everyone keeps telling me there are decent men out there. Where the hell are they?

ETA: Before going into this dating malarkey again, I swore to myself that I would RUN at the first sign of something off, or a red flag of any kind. The last thing I want is another horrible man and another failed relationship, so I vowed to take my time and not take any bullshit.

Trouble is, how do you know when you're being overly sensitive, thinking things are red flags but you're just being too intolerant?

[This message edited by HURTAGAIN1981 at 4:45 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

phmh posted 8/25/2013 17:08 PM

I met over 20 guys (and that was with pretty stringent pre-meeting screening) before I met the guy I'm currently seeing. It's still early there, so who knows what will happen, but don't expect to find a good partner right away -- it can take some time to get through the chaff. But if you're with a bad one, then you won't be open to a good guy when you meet him.

Baggage Reclaim has some good articles on red flags vs. yellow flags, how to tell the difference, etc.

For me, red flags (as in, I won't date them) include past infidelity, alcohol/drug addiction (whether "in recovery" or not), and other things along that line. Yellow flags (as in, potential issue that I need to explore on a case by case basis) include not having their own place, FOO issues, money problems, and other things along those lines.

It's definitely not black and white; there is a lot of gray out there. For me, one of the keys is being happy with myself, listening to my gut, and knowing that I'll be OK alone, so not to put up with bad behavior. You'll find someone good; don't despair, and don't settle!

little turtle posted 8/25/2013 17:55 PM

Trouble is, how do you know when you're being overly sensitive, thinking things are red flags but you're just being too intolerant?

It was only the second date. You couldn't have known about this situation until you experienced it. Perhaps he was taking advantage of you and drinking for free. Or maybe he is planning to take you out for the third date. Who knows? It's up to you to figure out if he's worth a third date. As you said, it doesn't sound like he is concerned for your well-being and safety.

NWfleur posted 8/26/2013 00:36 AM

From everything you describe, he sounds like one to let go. That's just my opinion. What does your gut tell you? I've learned my gut is almost always right on target...

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/26/2013 07:01 AM

I'm feeling a little confused about it. I definitely know that my level of interest (whatever interest there was to begin with) has been severely reduced and I find myself now not being bothered about replying to his contact.

Another part of my thinks that maybe I am overreacting and that it might be wrong to write him off just yet because of this. I don't know. I just feel like I can't be bothered with it or him now.

birdy posted 8/26/2013 11:38 AM

Run! ANY decent man would have done the exact opposite of everything he did. You could miss a great guy if you waste your time with this guy. He isn't even half a man! You can do better-any girl can do better!

ladies_first posted 8/26/2013 15:13 PM

HURTAGAIN1981, think back to the last time you were in a healthy relationship ...

*were there flags waving?
*were you paying for everything?
*were there police involved
*was your gut pulling left, right, up, down?

InnerLight posted 8/26/2013 15:26 PM

I just feel like I can't be bothered with it or him now.

Respect your feelings here! They are giving you an important message!

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/26/2013 16:07 PM


I see what you are saying. No there was none of this, especially not so early on.


I guess now I need to get rid of him or think of what to say when/if he asks to meet again!

birdy posted 8/26/2013 23:56 PM

Don't worry about being too sensitive or nice about it; he is probably loving the thought of taking advantage of you, feeling a hero, not taking into consideration your feelings. Hugs x

cmego posted 8/27/2013 06:47 AM

I guess now I need to get rid of him or think of what to say when/if he asks to meet again!

If he contacts you, simply say, "While you have some great qualities, I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck!"

Then, crickets.

lynnm1947 posted 8/28/2013 12:46 PM

The "broke till payday" would have turned me off. Not because he may be poor, but because I'd think he had me figured out as someone who would pay his way.

Walk away. Now.

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