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I was doing as well as to be expected. I had started taking control of my life and focusing on me. I even went out and bought some new running shoes so I could get in shape and work out some of this aggression and anger. He hasn't had contact with the OW that I'm aware of, but now I'm back to thinking about the two of them together again...and it makes me sick. I'm angry again and I keep fantasizing about bashing his face in. I have no clue where she is (since the A happened 5 years ago and we were stationed overseas at the time), but I want to find her and beat her face in as well.
It's like day one again, every time I close my eyes, I see him with her. I see him rolling around in the sheets with her...and they're both laughing at how stupid I am.
What. The. Hell?

(((Hugs)))

I'm sorry.

I'm in no position to give advice but I feel for you. you're not alone. I'm in the trenches deep DDday was 4-29-13 and it still feels like day 1. I also find myself imagining scenarios. I have a lot of texts and pictures between them so having a visual to go with the imagination is not a good thing.

I just read your post, Uhtred, so I know you can sympathize with what I've posted. I don't have emails or anything like that...only what he's told me, which I suspect is not the whole truth.
He's a selfish ass and I just want to beat some damn sense into his thick skull...but obviously that can't happen. His chain of command would see the result and have me arrested. Not only that, it wouldn't do well for our son to see that...mommy losing her shit.
*sigh*

I'm over 3 months from Dday 1 and 2 months from the second one. I don't get sad too often, I get enraged; feels like a wave of rage flows from head to toe, makes me want to yell every time. I don't have good days, just good hours or moments. Best wishes to you, you're not alone!

You are far from alone in this , I feel your pain believe me . My stbxw cheated lied and stole after married for 9 yrs together 18 so I know the pain. My pain turns physical at times , nausea ,vomiting , severe headaches. Like PTSD , you sound like you are in the military. Read up on how similar the symptoms are. The book is called surviving pisd. Post infidelity stress disorder. Hope it helps. All the best and if I can tell you anything it is that time and distance helps . But without severe remorse from your spouse I am not sure how long I could last if I was you. Good luck

Thanks. I'm not in the military, he is...He's in the hospital right now being monitored for severe depression. I just keep going back and forth with my emotions...I'm fine for a few days and then I'm back to being pissed off...then I am feeling the physical side effects of it (the stuff I posted as well as feeling sick, etc.). UGH!

I feel terrible for you. I am in a similar situation. I found out last night his multiple affairs/ONS etc go back 10 years. Little me thought it was just one LTA with his current trash toy. Boy was I wrong, way, way wrong. Seems like half of my marriage was one big lie. Last night I was angry, wanted to leave him, throw his things out the door. You name it. I wanted to do it. It was long ago but to us it happened yesterday. That's what they don't understand. If he is not that same person, you need someone to help you work through the feelings you have and focus on the future. It will take time but it will help to talk about it and get past what happened 5 years ago. If he's still messing around on you, you should consider whether or not you want to stay. At the very least, you should consider counseling for yourself. We will never completely forget what our WS have done but we can learn to come to terms with what they have done so we can keep our sanity. Just remember you are not alone and you have many out here to help you along when you want to vent or just put your feelings into words. Hugs to you!!!

Deep breaths, everyone.
It does get a bit better. The mind movies do calm down. Sometimes, things will feel better and you'll feel more optimistic and then, you will crash and burn with rage. Flow with it as best you can.
Whether your WS is remorseful or not, you don't have to decide anything right now. Continue focusing on you and kids, if you have them. It's literally two steps forward, three back right now but the mind movies will slow down.
Change things up for yourself. Find your own peaceful place, just yours. Turn your attentions to things that fuel peace and fulfillment all by yourself. There isn't much more you can do except these things but they are proactive and allow you to take power back into your own hands.
I know that this is easier said than done but it is worthwhile.
(((Hugs))) to everyone and good luck!

Such is the roller coaster we are all riding. Just as BeautifulEmpty said, two steps forward....

It's so very true, the passage of time is your friend. I hated reading that in the weeks, no months, following DDay because time just seemed to be moving sooo slowly.

I found the more I could focus on me and our children, the better I felt and the quicker the days passed.

It occurred to me the other day that I have far more good days than bad now. Also the 'bads' are not any where near as bad and far easier to recover from than previously.

I don't know how long it took. I'm sure it was just a slow progression. Hang in there during those 'bad days'. Things will and do get better.

((Hugs))