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Better marriage now (than before DDay)?

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ccw82 posted 8/24/2013 18:05 PM

I am wondering how many BSs can say their marriage is better NOW versus before DDay?

I told my WH that's one of the conditions of our (possible) reconciliation, so I'm looking for hopeful feedback!

Clarrissa posted 8/24/2013 18:20 PM

I'm not a BS, I'm the other one. But DS said in a Huffington Post interview that working through this sh*tstorm doesn't result in a *better* M but a *stronger* M. While stronger can equal better it's not necessarily the same. You'll still have problems and issues but (hopefully) not the ones that landed you here.

PrincessPeach06 posted 8/24/2013 18:46 PM

I am only 3 months out but WS's attitude is a million times better than it ever was!!! Is our M "better"? I don't know, only time will tell but honestly I can't see it being any worse. :/

TxsT posted 8/24/2013 19:02 PM

At only a week or so to go before our 1 year anniversary after Dday, I am one of the SI members that can honestly say that our marriage is better, stronger,happier, more sexually fulfilling and deeper then anything we shared before the A. This is all because of the hard work we have out in, the new communication skills we have and our ability to state it as it is now.


MoreWould posted 8/24/2013 19:08 PM


My WW had a A 4 years after we were married and had been together about 7 years, so that's a match. Difference is we're over 35 past DDay, which makes me one of the Old Timers here on SI in more ways than one.

We didn't have Dr Glass, or SI or any roadmaps in those days so we made it up as went along, and not very damned well, to tell the truth. Lots of TT and rugsweeping, and I had an RA a couple of years later at her constant urging.

After all that, we had a couple of kids post-A (now grown) and are still married, and I think, well. Good? Yeah. Better than what we had? Considering that what we had was proven to be crap, OK. What I signed up for? Not really. If it made our M so much better, would I willingly go through it again? I would cut my own arm off with a dull knife first.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/24/2013 20:12 PM

Without a doubt better. And we are working toward stronger every day.

catlover50 posted 8/24/2013 21:09 PM

So much better. I never dreamed it could be this good. The big difference? We are BOTH working on it now. Always before it was just me, and often my H was a less than eager participant. Now he wants so much to make me happy, but also can see the inherent value in increased intimacy, openness, vulnerability. Frankly he never realized it was safe to be that way.

broken81 posted 8/24/2013 21:28 PM

My M is better. We communicate better and more often. Share more responsibility, we are more of equals. We also spend more time together.
I would trade the improvement though to go back and never lose the trust, purity and innosence of before the A. But the improvement gives me hope things will work out and last. Without it there would be no reason for me to stay.

jellybean22 posted 8/24/2013 22:11 PM

Way better here. We've never been this honest or vulnerable with each other. Gone are my defensive walls and his propensity to lie to avoid conflict. We communicate better, drop pissy attitudes quickly (because we actually talk about what's bothering us), and express his grateful we are for this new chance constantly.

We weren't this good when we were dating. I hate that infidelity led us here because it still hurts and I have (small) triggers and pangs now and then and he still carries guilt. But we are on a good path where we were on a path to divorce well before OW ever entered the picture.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/24/2013 22:55 PM

Without a doubt our M is better.
If it were not, he would not be in my life.

Pre-Dday we were living parallel lives. I don't believed I even liked him, never mind love him. He drank daily, he worked 7am-8pm (or so I thought).
I spent more time with friends than with him, and I was okay with that.

I realize today what a shitty M we had... not much arguing, not much of anything.

My WH made huge strides to change. He stopped drinking (finally), he abandon his arrogant attitude, and started caring about the people he should...ME.

Almost 3yrs since my WH hit rock bottom and he continues to work daily to fix what he destroyed.

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 00:44 AM

It's better for him. For me, certainly he appreciates me more and "helps" (like it's not his equal responsibility??) me with the house and kids more BUT I would trade all that "help" for a faithful and honest husband. No, it will never be better than it was when I believed we had something special.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/25/2013 01:13 AM

Better and stronger than ever. I have no regrets choosing to R.

Flatlined123 posted 8/25/2013 07:02 AM

Is it "better"? No, now it will forever be tainted by his A.

Is our M stronger, are we more aware, more careful in protecting it? Definitely!

cantaccept posted 8/25/2013 07:28 AM

It is definitely getting better than it ever was before.

We are communicating more openly and honestly than ever. With that though comes a lot of pain. I believe it is necessary to go through the pain to reach a greater understanding and compassion for each other.

The one thing that is concerning is that I feel he is treating me better than he ever has, I am definitely not as giving as I was before the a.

Maybe it is just a matter of time and the rebuilding of trust.

The changes in him are so recent that I am having trouble believing that they are real. I hope it is just a matter of time and consistency from him and I will begin to believe and be able to feel safe with him.

I want to make him feel loved, to show him but I also realize that sometimes I hold back. It isn't a truly conscious choice. It seems that sometimes the emotions and the pain overwhelm me and stop me from expressing the positive.

It is a roller coaster from one minute to the next. I have been trying to tell him about this, about how quickly my moods shift.

We do talk about it so that is a good thing but so far still to go.

MrsDoubtfire posted 8/25/2013 07:43 AM

Far better than ever it was!

The change is due to the fact FWH has had IC and changed who he is as a person and I had some IC too to change me and then we had MC to change how we interact as a couple.

THIS man I adore and cherish and want to keep. The H he was pre and during A? That asswipe could and can go take a hike as I never want to be with him again

ccw82 posted 8/25/2013 21:23 PM

These are great responses, thank you everyone!

I ask because WH is promising me a better, stronger marriage from now on. He has even said he will propose and re-marry me with a whole new set of vows! I wasn't sure what to think, and whether it was actually possible to have a better M after DDay, so thank you all for your input.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 9:23 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

standinghere posted 8/25/2013 21:29 PM

Oh, definitely, no comparison, much, much better.

My ddays included confessions of an affair, hidden drug use, hidden alcohol abuse, friends that were actually smoking buddies and trading pot for child care, sneaking pain pills during a marathon, lies about where money had been spent, what had happened to certain items that we owned (she just got rid of things that reminded her of the affair and one of those things was something that cost me hundreds of dollars and she just gave it away and the explanation was puzzling and mightily irritating and year and years passed and I was still puzzled), etc.

Also along with that came disclosures of childhood abuse, rapes, near rapes, fears that were unreasonable, etc.

I am a much bigger help to her than I was, because she knows that I know this stuff now (the second paragraph issues).

Our marriage, after nearly 18 years, was floundering, because I simply didn't know what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me, or if she did the explanation didn't make sense.

I almost left the year before she confessed.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/25/2013 21:47 PM

Regarding the repropose/new vows things. Those are words. His actions need to match his words. And they need to match for a long time. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but my WH reproposed all while lying and trickle truthing me.

But to your question. If my WH never had an A but our other marriage issues were still there, I wouldn't have said we had a bad marriage. I think with the kind of work he is currently doing, I am doing, we are doing, and the fact that I have always believed we are soulmates, then will be pretty damn amazing. I'm not sure you would want to make that a condition though. A condition should be that he fixes his issues. Because what makes a better marriage? The fact that he helps around the house more? Or that he helps around the house because he appreciates how much you do and has learned about responsibility. He can't promise you a better marriage if YOU don't do your part. And I'm not saying you aren't! I'm just saying a marriage takes work from both parties. He alone can't give you that.

ccw82 posted 8/25/2013 21:57 PM

TattoodChinaDoll, I so wanted to PM you but it says your message inbox is full!

Yes, as of right now his actions ARE matching his words, for the exact reasons you mentioned. My issue is that I'm afraid that one day he won't want to anymore, but he says he's changing his entire outlook on life to ensure that doesn't happen. Goodness, I hope not because I believe he is my soul mate as well!!!

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/25/2013 22:14 PM

Thanks for letting me know! I'll clean it out. I organized a g2g here so it's all from that.

ETA: Just like you never thought this would might think he'll never give up and stop trying. But you know what? There is no guarantee of that. No matter how much we feel like we are owed one. And that feeling and understanding comes and goes a lot at first. And I mean even a year or more into it. What you have to do is work on yourself. Again, not saying that there is something really wrong with you. But that you know you'd be ok if the marriage ended.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 10:18 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

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