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What if I'm the one doing false R

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learningtofeel posted 8/24/2013 18:12 PM

Having a tough week and need your opinions.

I have been assuming that false R comes from the WS who is not entirely committed to R.

But this week I have been SO angry. Depressed and hurt and angry, and feeling way back to square one, but without the HB that made that part kind of bearable. My WS senses it and has asked me to be honest about my feelings, but I don't even want to share them with him. I told him how proud I was of his work so far, and he said that "being proud of" is not the same as loving, and he's concerned I don't love him anymore. And I wonder if he's right.

I came to a point a month or so ago when I was no longer afraid to be divorced, which was really good. But I am aware of the problems of divorce, and how hard that will be on our kids. I don't take it lightly. I have committed to not making any big decisions until the 6 month mark (mid-October).

So what if I'm doing false R? What if I'm trying too hard to make this work and in fact I'm just done, and not allowing myself to see that hard truth?

He is doing all the right things. Why would I not want to R?

Anyone else in the BS position wonder if THEY were the ones doing false R? If so, how did you figure out what your truth was?

[This message edited by learningtofeel at 6:13 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

fourever posted 8/24/2013 18:36 PM

((LTF))
I know how you feel, and I think it's a normal thing. A protective measure.
I felt the same. I was ready to walk if I needed to.
We are 3 yrs, 1 month, out from DD of his 4 year A with a MOW. Yikes!
Although I love him, the ironic thing is that I'm just feeling like I can be "in love" with him again. But just barely. He has also worked very hard to earn that.
Earlier, like you are now, into R just a few months, I told him that wasn't it sad that now I felt ILYBINILWY. It made him so sad. I also told him, and I still feel this way, that I had one foot in the door and one out. I felt that way for my heart & soul's protection. I also meant it.

Sounds like where you are now. And that's OK. It's a normal way for you to protect yourself until you are sure of him. You are in R, but you are in no way required to trust unconditionally or even be near healed yet. We all have our own time schedule, and I'm still working on mine. Some are fully R by now. There is no right answer, it's our own.
Sometimes, you just need your own head to work through your feelings and how you want and need to either move forward or on if that's the case.
I think we also reach a point of no feelings for a bit, and it's very scary, for both of you. I know it scared me very much. I believe it's referred to as lethal flatness. And that's a good description. It terrified my FWH when I went through it.

This is a long road, I wish you much luck and peace as you navigate it. Keep asking questions.

womaninflux posted 8/24/2013 22:16 PM

I've been you...I am about 5 1/2 m past DD. One week I am in, the next I am out. It's definitely self-protection.

I think some good advice I've gotten is to make sure you don't make decisions when you are not thinking straight and consistently. People say you'll know the answer when it doesn't come to you on an impulse. Are you in IC? MC? It's pretty hard to be in MC and not be trying to R, just going through the motions. A good therapist will call someone out on that, I am certain of it.

RedRose posted 8/24/2013 23:09 PM

LTF, I also find myself wondering this, as does my WH. He commented last night that he feels like I have already decided that this isn't going to work, but I am trying to stick it out for the kids. We also have talked about how after Dday 3, my feelings for him did change, and how I now don't love him like I did. I guess my feeling now is that I don't have to rush into any decisions. Our kids have no idea what is going on, we never argue in front of them, so there is no need to decide anything until I am sure. My plan is to give him time to work on himself; if he can fix things for himself, our marriage will make it. Right now, we are working on me falling in love with him again.

So, I haven't figured out my truth yet. I too have recently become comfortable with the idea of being on my own, so I know that however this plays out, I will be okay. I also know that even if we do D, I tried everything to save it.

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