Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Just not sinking in

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

3monthsncounting posted 8/24/2013 23:17 PM

I'm not sure if I really count as "just found out" but I feel like the shock hasn't really started to wear off yet. Sorry for how long this is too.

I found out, just over three months ago. It was two days after our daughter was born. I had been using his phone as a flashlight in an effort to make sure that I didn't wake up the baby. While I was nursing I decided that I would see if he had sent his best friend a picture of her and what all he had said about her. I had just wanted to see how proud he was of his daughter. I was scowling up through his messages on skype and it needed to load more, so it loaded way more than necessary. This is when something caught my eye. I read where WH was talking to his bestfriend about another girl, who he was planning on meeting up with while I would have been out of state visiting my family for my brothers high school graduation and my baby shower. It felt like my heart stopped beating.

He had met the girl on his starwars MMORGP. I had known that he was friends with her but I never thought anything of it, he has had female friends before with out it being an issue, just as I had male friends.

From what WH told me about the A the other girl knew he was married but he told her that we were separated, which we defiantly were not. She knew nothing about my pregnancy. The entire A was long distance and he never actually met her in person or had sex with her as she lives in Canada. Though I saw the plans for her to come here to him while I would be with my family an eight hour drive (with out a baby) away. They were planning on having sex when that happened.

When I confronted him about it he told me that he had called it off a few days before. I have never found proof of this because 95% of WH and OW’s conversations were held in the game which means I can never see what was said. The morning after I found out the other girl apparently sent him a message telling him she loved him and wanted to be with him. He jumped all too happily back into her “arms”. He told me he was done, that our relationship couldn’t be fixed, that he loved her ect.

A few days later I decided that I would send the OW a message in the video game from my account. I wanted to know more information about the A, and I wanted her to know everything about our marriage. The whole time I remained nice, never saying anything bad about her, and said nothing mean (which I’m still super proud of myself for). The day after our “conversation” She left him. It was like her saying they couldn’t be together woke him up or something and he was crying about how he had screwed up our marriage to the point of no return, and that I would never forgive him ect. I told him that it was still fixable and that I could forgive him, it would just take time. He then suggested that we move near my family which I agreed too because it was the best choice for our daughter.

I just can’t wrap my head around it. I feel numb, almost like I’m watching all of this from outside myself. Maybe it's just because I've been so busy with our newborn that it hasn't seemed to really sink in yet; It's just I had thought for sure that if we could survive our relationship being long distance for five years (with no cheating), two miscarriages, and our first daughter being stillborn. Than nothing could tear us apart, let alone that he could have an affair. We had always promised each other that we would get divorced before either of us had an A so that we could split up and still be civil for our kids. Him breaking that promise is completely devastating.

I almost feel like I was traded in for the younger, better model. I feel like he wanted someone who could have a baby with out a problem. We had gotten pregnant easily with the babies we lost but this last time, we had needed fertility treatments to get pregnant. I feel like he wanted someone who he knew could get pregnant AND have a living baby. He tells me that my fertility issues have nothing to do with it but I just can’t seem to believe it.

Traveler1985 posted 8/24/2013 23:50 PM

I just want to send you a virtual hug. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, long distance, never ever ever imagining that he would cheat, and the comparisons.

My WH cheated with a thinner 20year old ( I am 27, he is 25)...and I had never ever had an issue or felt self conscious about age before, but I immediately started comparisons. And that is not a kind road to go down. There is nothing happy that you will find on that road if you start going down it.

One thing I have learned from talking with friends who have gone through similar situations, and from reading a whole bunch of info on this site is this; it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with how much better at '________' the OW was than you, it has nothing to do with you being you and her being her. It has to do with something that is broken inside of him, which he needs to fix, and likely needs your support to fix ( if he is willing to fix his 'brokenness" that is), and if you are willing/able to support his growth.

Please do not go down that road of comparison...I have lived there for 4 months and it has taken an incredible toll on my self-esteem and it is completely false.

I can relate in part to your story, though I have never been pregnant and as far as I know I don't have fertility issues, but we went through a lot together too ( on a different level, surely). I remember reading a psychology article when I was in University that told about people who go through traumatic events together ( plane crashes, earthquakes, etc) being somehow more strongly bonded than they would have been had they met under different circumstances, or had they never experienced such trauma. I assumed that when our puppy died, mere weeks after I was dragged down a street by my throat, behind a car, in a robbery, where I nearly died, and he helped me back to health...I assumed that after we got through these traumas, that we would be stronger. That our relationship would be somehow strengthened and would be better. For a while it was, but then, the A happened.

I don't have advice, as I am still dealing with day to day stuff in our R, but I just want you to know that I hear you, and I sincerely feel for you.

And congratulations on the birth of your healthy little girl, I am sure she is just an angel. Hopefully your WH will see what he is potentially walking away from if he doesn't seek help and sincerely R with you.

I am not sure where you are at in this ( wanting to work it out, or wanting to leave). I just hope you know that you have much support here and that I am wishing everything turns out for you.

Wishing you all the best of everything.

emotionalgirl posted 8/25/2013 00:27 AM

3months....I just wanted to reach out and send a (((hug))). I am so sorry about about your miscarriages and fertility issues, congratulations on the wonderful result of your daughter. We have never had children ( his issues not mine). We also dealt with him working away from home for years, he has worked from home for the past 4 yrs and he chooses now to have an EA. when the pain was first raw my thought was I gave up my child bearing years for him to do this to me now. My IC has helped me realize that this is all just what I term "stinckin thinkin". They made a choice because something is broken in them! I am finding my peace with my thoughts, I hope you find your peace as well!

isadora posted 8/25/2013 11:33 AM

One of the hardest things to wrap your brain around is the fact his choice to cheat has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own brokeness. You can't apply your logic and reason to the sitch because you would not make the same choice.

In my sitch, I knew we were having problems, but never in my wildest thoughts did I think cheating was a viable option. I could wrap my brain around me doing something so horrible that I drove him to it. But someone that loved me making a choice to cheat just because they could still boggles my mind. And I'm three years out.

Landoes posted 8/25/2013 13:51 PM

Trust me, these cheaters don't think online relationships are hurtful. Oh, are they wrong. I'm a little over three months too, and it's still fresh. You won't really have good days, just good hours.
It seems it does get better, but who knows if its worth it

3monthsncounting posted 8/25/2013 19:55 PM

I'm sure WH knew how damaging an online relationship could hurt me, and our marriage. He and I meet online and our relationship was long distance tell two months after we got married. I guess he never expected me to find out because I trusted him so much that I never checked up on him. The sad thing is, I have all his passwords, and did during the A.

I just can't understand how he could have done it while I was pregnant. He wanted this baby so bad, he had to wait over a year after our last miscarriage for me to be ready to get pregnant again, and than it took so much longer and was so much harder than before. I can't understand why he would risk losing the family that he wanted so bad and waited for for so long.

I know that my pregnancy was stressful, our last daughter had died while I was in labor, and he was out of work most of it too. He said the reason it happened was because he didn't tell me how he was feeling. He's never been very good at communicating but I never thought he would let it get to this.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.