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Newest Member: chessboxer (45725)

User Topic: Long term affairs
sad34
♀ 40358
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm beginning to "r". But there are things I'm having difficulty getting passed. I made sure I got every little detail. There Emails from ow, details from ow, texts from ow. Finally most of the truth from wh.
In the bedroom or out it just feels weird knowing he did "xyz" with her so why is it special with me.
That he demeaned sex the way he did.
Difficulty saying I love you to him knowing he said it to ow.
Remembering all the days he spent with her:(
I actually appreciated ow for her honesty even if her motives were unknown.
Knowing he chose ow over his family on so many occasions I thought he was working.
All family photos seem tainted, memories tainted.
Knowing when we did argue he was probably hoping I would just shut up so he could go text ow.
I want to "r" how do you escape all of this:( pls help!!!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting to R and having a remorseful WH are the two major things you need. Add some counseling to get the the root of the problem and then time takes care of a lot of the rest of it. I'm 1.5 years out and have some days I don't think about it anymore. I anticipate next year being better.

Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
broken0912
♀ 39780
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are fortunate (IMHO) that you have the details. I have very few and doesn't appear that I'm going to get much further and I am 1 yr from d-day. I know how you feel especially about the tainted memories. I have gone back & researched to figure out where we were when - vacations, etc. and times when I was gone one or more nights without him. I went through our pictures and coded them to the best of my ability, BA-before affair, DA & AA. I feel like I am losing my mind, and thought I would be so much better in my recovery, this far down the road. For him this was over years ago. It ended July or Aug of 2009. That's one of the few things I have deduced (only because he knows he told her about 2 weeks before we found out she was pregnant and I know when the child was born - on the day of my mother's funeral). However, it is all in the present for me, as I try to recreate times, details, images, conversations to figure out how, when, what was said, etc.

It sucks to be part of this club.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right Track, thanks for posting. This gives me hope.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Flatlined123
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's right that the two things you need are your will to want to r and a remorseful ws.

The next thing you need is......time. The dreaded word. It'll come in time, with you both working on it.

There may be things that you just can't get past and you have to learn how to deal with them. Again, time and your remorseful ws will smooth out the sharp edges of those things so they're not quite so painful, just annoying.

If you both want it and are willing to work for it, it will come. Its taken me 4 years to start to feel normal again.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 692 | Registered: Jun 2012
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Approaching four years since Dday after H's 5 year LTA and I rarely think about OW or the A.

I planned something for the dates that bothered me, like Dday, OW's birthday when he made sure he was in her country, or other dates that triggered me. We've made a conscious effort to plan something on or around those dates. For instance we plan a vacation around Dday now and are always somewhere that's fun, focused on each other. I have new memories for those dates and over time (time is what it takes for the WS to prove they are remorseful and help to heal BS so that R can happen) thoughts about them have faded.

Be good to yourself and know that if you and WS are committed, you can get through this....as written earlier though, it does take time.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Mar 2010
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to echo Flatiner and say time and not only that but it is what you DO with your time.

It is hard to move past the obsessive thoughts. Approx 5 months past D-Day I bought a book by Emily Brown called, Affairs: Dealing with the Repercussions of Infidelity (or something to that effect) bc it had a section in there about obsessing.

When we obsess we are not in the moment. We are spending our energy on something that no longer exist in real time instead of actually dealing with the pain.

Basically sad34, I got tired of being in a place that did not exist anymore. It was time. My H was being remorseful, we both wanted R and I felt enough was enough with the thoughts.

I am not in the moment 24/7. I have incredibly bad days. But for the most part, I found that the book and my actually desire to do something better with my time helped.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I must add....I can see that your WS had a LTA and was as old as your eldest child. My heart goes out to you. My fWH had a 2+ A and in the beginning I could not look at a pic of our kids w/o turning it over and seeing the date.

((sad34)) You are still early on. This is a long road and it takes time but so many good people here on SI to support you.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2592 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((sad34))

I needed this thread today. My d-Day was in March 2013. I have the same feelings that you have~getting past the details, struggling with family photos, memories of holidays and special events. I am tired of dealing with my insecurities. I do not have any words of advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

LA44, thank you for the book recommendation. I am going to pick it up today.

AlexCR, thank you for the advice for planning events around specific dates to "write over" those dates. I am already dreading Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Flatliner, RightTrack, one day, I hope to be where you are. Living in R and giving advice to others who need it. Thank you.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 392 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad, You may find the ICR thread for LTA support helpful. Below is the link.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498519&AP=441


Posts: 36451 | Registered: Mar 2011
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad 34 and Meplus4,

Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
RightTrack
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm certainly not "there" yet. I still get really mad, I still look at all the drivel she posts on Pinintrest, I still spend time plotting revenge ( just plotting, so far I can't think up anything suitable).

I think this is normal. I trust the SI veterans that say 2 - 5 years is a good time table for restoring your sanity.
Another book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Kristenbaum was very helpful to me last year.


Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
sad34
♀ 40358
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u all for taking the time to post a reply:). It feels good to know I'm not alone!! To see that others are struggling and some have actually reached the point where they can say they are fully reconciled:)
I'm still so devastated and it seems surreal:(
But I really want to try!


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 140 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say how great all of these responses are! It's really something I need to hear.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to echo jo2love's invitation to join us in the LTA thread in the I Can Relate forum. You will find incredible wisdom there and lots of support.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Teach8
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sad...I am almost 14 mos. Out from my initial dday. Check out my info. Below...I feel your pain. I really do. I also have 2 boys who are 10 and 8. I spent a lot of time feeling like my fwh stole the first half of their childhood from me. I couldn't look at pics...I had a difficult time hearing other family members reminisce about anything and I had a hard time with my own memories. I couldn't decide what was real and what wasn't. I want you to know that I am much better now. I still have bad days, I still hurt. But I'm having lots of good days too. I'm finding happiness again and letting my fwh into my heart a little more each day. I'm focusing more on the future and trying to focus a little less on the past. We aren't perfect and fwh still has work to do and so do I, but I have hope. You will get to this place too...if you both really want it and really work at it. It can happen.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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