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sad34 posted 8/24/2013 23:44 PM

I'm beginning to "r". But there are things I'm having difficulty getting passed. I made sure I got every little detail. There Emails from ow, details from ow, texts from ow. Finally most of the truth from wh.
In the bedroom or out it just feels weird knowing he did "xyz" with her so why is it special with me.
That he demeaned sex the way he did.
Difficulty saying I love you to him knowing he said it to ow.
Remembering all the days he spent with her:(
I actually appreciated ow for her honesty even if her motives were unknown.
Knowing he chose ow over his family on so many occasions I thought he was working.
All family photos seem tainted, memories tainted.
Knowing when we did argue he was probably hoping I would just shut up so he could go text ow.
I want to "r" how do you escape all of this:( pls help!!!

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 00:38 AM

Wanting to R and having a remorseful WH are the two major things you need. Add some counseling to get the the root of the problem and then time takes care of a lot of the rest of it. I'm 1.5 years out and have some days I don't think about it anymore. I anticipate next year being better.

broken0912 posted 8/25/2013 02:33 AM

You are fortunate (IMHO) that you have the details. I have very few and doesn't appear that I'm going to get much further and I am 1 yr from d-day. I know how you feel especially about the tainted memories. I have gone back & researched to figure out where we were when - vacations, etc. and times when I was gone one or more nights without him. I went through our pictures and coded them to the best of my ability, BA-before affair, DA & AA. I feel like I am losing my mind, and thought I would be so much better in my recovery, this far down the road. For him this was over years ago. It ended July or Aug of 2009. That's one of the few things I have deduced (only because he knows he told her about 2 weeks before we found out she was pregnant and I know when the child was born - on the day of my mother's funeral). However, it is all in the present for me, as I try to recreate times, details, images, conversations to figure out how, when, what was said, etc.

It sucks to be part of this club.

womaninflux posted 8/25/2013 05:17 AM

Right Track, thanks for posting. This gives me hope.

Flatlined123 posted 8/25/2013 06:46 AM

It's right that the two things you need are your will to want to r and a remorseful ws.

The next thing you need is......time. The dreaded word. It'll come in time, with you both working on it.

There may be things that you just can't get past and you have to learn how to deal with them. Again, time and your remorseful ws will smooth out the sharp edges of those things so they're not quite so painful, just annoying.

If you both want it and are willing to work for it, it will come. Its taken me 4 years to start to feel normal again.

Alex CR posted 8/25/2013 09:12 AM

Approaching four years since Dday after H's 5 year LTA and I rarely think about OW or the A.

I planned something for the dates that bothered me, like Dday, OW's birthday when he made sure he was in her country, or other dates that triggered me. We've made a conscious effort to plan something on or around those dates. For instance we plan a vacation around Dday now and are always somewhere that's fun, focused on each other. I have new memories for those dates and over time (time is what it takes for the WS to prove they are remorseful and help to heal BS so that R can happen) thoughts about them have faded.

Be good to yourself and know that if you and WS are committed, you can get through written earlier though, it does take time.

LA44 posted 8/25/2013 09:24 AM

I am going to echo Flatiner and say time and not only that but it is what you DO with your time.

It is hard to move past the obsessive thoughts. Approx 5 months past D-Day I bought a book by Emily Brown called, Affairs: Dealing with the Repercussions of Infidelity (or something to that effect) bc it had a section in there about obsessing.

When we obsess we are not in the moment. We are spending our energy on something that no longer exist in real time instead of actually dealing with the pain.

Basically sad34, I got tired of being in a place that did not exist anymore. It was time. My H was being remorseful, we both wanted R and I felt enough was enough with the thoughts.

I am not in the moment 24/7. I have incredibly bad days. But for the most part, I found that the book and my actually desire to do something better with my time helped.

LA44 posted 8/25/2013 09:32 AM

Also, I must add....I can see that your WS had a LTA and was as old as your eldest child. My heart goes out to you. My fWH had a 2+ A and in the beginning I could not look at a pic of our kids w/o turning it over and seeing the date.

((sad34)) You are still early on. This is a long road and it takes time but so many good people here on SI to support you.


meplusfour posted 8/25/2013 10:40 AM


I needed this thread today. My d-Day was in March 2013. I have the same feelings that you have~getting past the details, struggling with family photos, memories of holidays and special events. I am tired of dealing with my insecurities. I do not have any words of advice, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

LA44, thank you for the book recommendation. I am going to pick it up today.

AlexCR, thank you for the advice for planning events around specific dates to "write over" those dates. I am already dreading Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Flatliner, RightTrack, one day, I hope to be where you are. Living in R and giving advice to others who need it. Thank you.

jo2love posted 8/25/2013 10:46 AM

Sad, You may find the ICR thread for LTA support helpful. Below is the link.

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 13:36 PM

Sad 34 and Meplus4,

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 13:40 PM

I'm certainly not "there" yet. I still get really mad, I still look at all the drivel she posts on Pinintrest, I still spend time plotting revenge ( just plotting, so far I can't think up anything suitable).

I think this is normal. I trust the SI veterans that say 2 - 5 years is a good time table for restoring your sanity.
Another book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Kristenbaum was very helpful to me last year.

sad34 posted 8/25/2013 15:21 PM

Thank u all for taking the time to post a reply:). It feels good to know I'm not alone!! To see that others are struggling and some have actually reached the point where they can say they are fully reconciled:)
I'm still so devastated and it seems surreal:(
But I really want to try!

womaninflux posted 8/25/2013 15:59 PM

I just wanted to say how great all of these responses are! It's really something I need to hear.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/25/2013 16:15 PM

I want to echo jo2love's invitation to join us in the LTA thread in the I Can Relate forum. You will find incredible wisdom there and lots of support.

Teach8 posted 8/25/2013 16:24 PM

Hi Sad...I am almost 14 mos. Out from my initial dday. Check out my info. Below...I feel your pain. I really do. I also have 2 boys who are 10 and 8. I spent a lot of time feeling like my fwh stole the first half of their childhood from me. I couldn't look at pics...I had a difficult time hearing other family members reminisce about anything and I had a hard time with my own memories. I couldn't decide what was real and what wasn't. I want you to know that I am much better now. I still have bad days, I still hurt. But I'm having lots of good days too. I'm finding happiness again and letting my fwh into my heart a little more each day. I'm focusing more on the future and trying to focus a little less on the past. We aren't perfect and fwh still has work to do and so do I, but I have hope. You will get to this place too...if you both really want it and really work at it. It can happen.

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