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losing battle??

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caring4me posted 8/25/2013 00:18 AM

First of all, I get long winded, so please forgive me!

This has been ongoing for over a year, but this is my first time here, so sharing now.

Last summer, my WS blew up out of nowhere. Huge fight, took my ring and his and threw them out the window of a moving vehicle, drove way too fast and then slammed on the brakes. Afterwards, I asked if there was someone else, as this was completely out of the blue. Nope, he insisted there wasn't.

Things kind of seemed better-but then he began texting a coworker from the moment he came in the door til he went to bed last August. It really bothered me for several reasons. First, he never responded back to my texts when I was at work, because he doesn't like to. Second, he would blow up at me or the children if we interrupted him while he was texting back. And third, it was a female coworker. So of course we had a huge blow up about that.

Sometime between the first and second fights, he aired his grievances with our relationship. Lack of sex being the biggest thing. I explained that after working, dealing with the kids, and the housework alone, I don't have the energy. I need help. So he would occasionally help around the house.

Anyway, he claimed to be done with her. Things went ok for a few weeks, then I had people asking if we were still together, or asking who his new friend was, describing what they had seen, etc. Each time would result in a fight. We honestly fought at least once a month from august until december, at which point he sent her a somewhat nasty text telling her to stay the heck away from him. Supposedly they don't go anywhere near each other now (separate depts).

But that isn't my main concern. He has come up with many reasons for the whys of it all. One being we aren't married. We had discussed it just a couple months before he met her. And I had said what we would need to do, called some of my family, etc...but he never brought it up again. With him, if I push something he tends to go along with it to shut me up (LOL) but i didn't want this to be one of those times. The main thing he has clung to is he needed someone to talk to. That hurts a lot-because he basically shut down when our oldest was born. I have begged, pleaded, cried, and fought him over the years to open up to me, tell me about his day, tell me his honest opinions, but he wont.

At this point, things will go good for awhile, but something happens, could be random stupid things, but it makes me start thinking. I need that emotional connection with him. We already have trust issues. He has always accused me of cheating/screwing around if I don't come home straight from work (so I do) or if I go out with coworkers (so I don't)even when he has told me to, that he trusts me, still blows up in my face. I feel like I am not allowed friends, have felt that way for years, and he doesn't seem open to being my friend anymore either. He says he wants to talk more, but he doesn't know how to approach me. I can't keep going on like this. Btw, the coworker switched shifts so she only works part of the day while he is there, but I cannot go in there anymore. I get so shaky mad when I see her because it brings everything back to the surface. I am getting better but it obviously still bothers me. He is seeing a therapist but they talk about things like why he wants me to quit my job. Doesn't seem to be anything that helps us.

I guess to summarize, he hasn't talked to OW since December. But he still doesn't talk to me either. I told him that when he acts the same now as he did when he was talking to her, I feel that either they still talk, there is someone else...or there will be someone else soon :(

unfound posted 8/25/2013 09:19 AM

Welcome caring4me

Of course you feel like he might be talking with her or someone else or will be in the future because he's given you no reassurance that he's sorry for what he did and he wants to work on becoming a healthy participant of the relationship.

He can go to therapy all day long, but if he's not addressing the real issues (him and his poor choices), nothing will change.

Blaming the fact that you're not married is bologna. You're in a committed relationship, period. He needs someone to talk to? It takes two to have a conversation. He's blaming everyone and everything but himself. Until he can own his own shit, things won't change.

Would he be willing to go to couples counseling in addition to finding a new therapist that will help him get to the real issues at hand?

caring4me posted 8/25/2013 12:55 PM

He has this cycle of being super duper nice...for about 2 weeks or so after a fight. Then it slowly starts tapering off, and I get upset/paranoid. Until I blow up. So it seems almost every month we fight. Right now he knows I am upset, so we are on the "nice" part. He will post on my facebook about how he hopes I am having a great day, etc. Today he posted how I have given him more than anyone has ever given him even when he doesn't deserve it. Those messages used to make me smile but now they tick me off more because I know the cycle. And I told him that today. I also told him that I have asked for him to be open and talk to me for years, he gave that to his OW. I no longer want it, I NEED it. I know he is capable of opening up. At this point I told him its a deal breaker. I have been fighting with him for a year and a half now (between his 9 month EA and almost 9 months since contact ended with nothing changing).

He was upset when I told him but who knows where it will go from here. I told him I fought/put up with his cheating for such a long time, and now with him not changing, and asked him how long he expects me to keep it up. It isn't good for the kids to fight, no matter how much I care, and at this point it either changes or we need to be done.

caring4me posted 8/25/2013 12:59 PM

Btw, I was doing some sort of IC. I have a relative going to school for becoming essentially a mental health counselor who had to have some individuals do 10 sessions with her. Because we are related, we chose to not talk about my relationship as much as how to make me more confident.

It got thrown in my face after one fight that he will never go to my family's functions because of talking to her. So when she had her requirements for class I no longer went to her to shut him up. Last week it was thrown in my face that he goes to his but I don't go anymore (implying he wants to fix us and I don't). I think I have still had more sessions (albeit in a shorter amount of time) than he has had in the past 7 months. He goes once every two weeks. And repeatedly forgets, or she has vacation, etc.

emotionalgirl posted 8/25/2013 13:32 PM

Hi caring welcome to SI as everyone says. The place you never wanted to know about but thank god you found!

I see allot of my WH in your description of your WH. I have felt for a long time that my H cycles . After some IC I have come to realize that my WH is emotionally and verbally abusive. I encourage you to find a good IC that is not a family member and also to try the 180. ( info in the healing library).

I sat my WH down and had a limits boundaries and expectations talk. when he tried to justify, I just told him this was my turn to talk and that his future actions counted more than any words he could give me right now. The next AM I went 180 hard core. I took care of me which is what it is all about. I hired a personal trainer went on a diet and generally gave me the best of me instead of giving the best to him. He didn't like it and I had to walk away from and ignore a few rants and really nasty verbal attacks...too bad for him. My IC helped me realize that I am worth so much more than his crap. I have 25 yrs into my marriage and I don't want to loose it, but I have come to realize that I deserve respect and the best he can give me...not his shitty behaviour and leftover time. I am fortunate my WH is starting to see the light and will start IC this week, with a goal of us doing MC in a few months. Even if we don't R I am at peace with myself and my decisions. Heartbroken 💔but at peace.

I hope you can find your inner peace. ((( hugs)))

I found a great pair of bitch boots, laced em up tight and I ain't taken em off until I am damn good and ready!

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