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3monthsncounting posted 8/25/2013 00:20 AM

Is it possible to have a successful reconciliation without getting Marriage counseling?

WH says he wants to R but absolutely refuses to do MC, or any type of counseling for that matter.

He said he might be willing to work through one of those books about fixing a marriage after an A, but he didn't give a very definite answer.

Has anyone had a successful R without the MC, or is working on one without it? I want us to work and I think he does too, there just seems to be something about counseling that scares him.

Traveler1985 posted 8/25/2013 00:36 AM

My WH and I are attempting R without MC for the time being, because we are currently dealing with immigration stuff from South America, and in our particular area in SA we don't have the option of MC. However, within 4 months, when the visas are all lined up and we are both able to be in North America, we will be doing MC. He has loads of stuff he has just started clearing and talking about from his past that he definitely needs help with, and he is definitely open to IC, and MC. In the meantime, he took it upon himself to start reading the Mens Edition of "The Five Love Languages" ( that I had bought for him even before the A), and he is reporting to me every day with excitement, what he learned from the book. It's helping a LOT.

I have to say though, I am relieved that he is willing to go to MC when it is going to be available to us. I think it's really important.

I don't know if it's a good idea to agree to not go to MC, hopefully some others can chime in, because I'm also hoping we'll be ok for the next few months until we can begin MC.

Just based on what you've said in your other posts, I think its a really great idea if you go to IC and get some really clear ideas on what you need/want from your relationship, because if he is ~kinda, maybe~ willing to work through a R book, it sounds to me ( in my unprofessional opinion) that he DEFINITELY needs to get a handle on what's going on with him, and understand the weight of his actions, and in my experience, a great counselor can help with that.

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 00:42 AM

We had MC but it was only two one-hour sessions. Wh's refrain was " I don't remember." and the counselor backed that up with, "it sounds like you're cured." With that I was DONE with MC. I have instead read all the books, had WH continue with IC, and I demanded that WH also read some books ( he hasn't done it yet..) Despite all of this we are R'ing. I think daily sex helps more than any high dollar MC.

3monthsncounting posted 8/25/2013 09:42 AM

It's frustrating. When I try to talk to him he just shrugs, when he answers at all. I feel as though he doesn't know what he wants. I wish he would get IC so he can figure it out.

I am planing on getting IC because I've been feeling depressed. I've had severe depression before so I'm trying to get to it before it gets that bad again.

LA44 posted 8/25/2013 10:22 AM

((3mc)) I am glad you are going to get to IC. I so wish your H would as well. That was a requirement for me - it's is called a High Cost Behaviour as per Janis A Spring's book, After the Affair which focuses on healing and restoring trust.

The WS needs to perform acts of HCB while both of us are responsible for Low Cost Behaviours.

Approx. 3 weeks after D-Day one of my HCB requests was for him to get into IC or he would have to leave. He booked an appt. that week.

We did attend MC for approx. 8-10 weeks and then determined that IC for both of us would be more appropriate at this time.

If he wants to R, being open, answering questions, showing remorse is HCB. Shrugging shoulders is an act of anger or contempt imo.

brainless twit posted 8/25/2013 10:23 AM

After the first A, my WH (now XWH) refused counseling. Wouldn't hear of it. Since I was a therapist myself at the time, I really thought we could work through things on our own using some of the same techniques I used with my clients. Yet we still ended up divorced, tried to R after it was final, and he spent the first 8 months of this year in another A.

This time around he was willing to try MC and has found it to be a positive experience (for the most part). When I compare his behavior then vs. now, I see that his refusal to go to counseling was a refusal to change. Some of his behaviors improved but his overall thought processes and attitudes about infidelity never changed. His selfishness and sense of entitlement never changed. I can't speak for your WH and I don't know if that makes a bit of sense to you, but I personally believe that MC is necessary if you want to move forward in the healthiest way possible.

Has he given you any reasons why he won't go? Does he have a thing about seeing a "shrink"? Does he think it's pointless to rehash the past? (Please know that I think that's total crap, but I've heard it before from clients.) If he's able to verbalize the reasons for his reluctance to go, you may be able to talk to him or get someone else to talk to him to explain why MC is so important.