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Nicnac posted 8/25/2013 05:47 AM

Did you tell the people around you about your spouse's affair? I've only told a select few, but keep having this urge to just tell EVERYONE. I want his friends and family to know what he's done, I want him to feel the shame and embarrassment of it, but at the same time I feel embarrassed by what he's done and don't want anyone to know.

Did you keep it to yourself or shout it to the world?

mixedintherut posted 8/25/2013 05:53 AM

The first time, I told anyone and everyone that would listen! It made me feel better! I wasn't embarrassed by his actions, I was hurt and completely in shock! I wanted to cause him any type of humiliation I could!

This time, in hopes of things working out, I haven't told very many people at all. I don't think he has told anyone. I am pretty sure the OW is under the impression that we were no longer together. I haven't contacted her to know.

It really is a personal decision, just remember that whatever you say/do you can't take back so those people will know forever.

womaninflux posted 8/25/2013 06:07 AM

I made him tell his mom. A few of his friends knew about it already (shocker...they knew about it the whole time!). SAWH seems to think that no one else at his work or at her work knew about it...but I doubt it because she was introducing him as her "boyfriend" to some of her friends. It's only a matter of time before word gets around. As the saying goes, the wife is always the last to know.

My dad and brother know ( my brother is really angry about it). At first I only told one friend. Slowly, I began telling a few more. Mainly because people were worried about me. I wasn't able to hide it. There was obvious stress on my face and I was unable to follow through on a lot of stuff. Eventually another married couple we know found out about it. I think her husband suspected it anyway and when I wasn't acting normal, they were able to put it all together. They've actually been very supportive of us as a couple, which is very nice. I've also told a couple of women who I know went through something very similar. I was looking for advice.

Our MC says "be wise" about who we tell. I think I have in that I have only shared it with people who I think care about me and my family, who don't want to see me in pain. Obviously once you tell someone, you can't untell someone. Then again, it's also not good to walk around with a burden like this and not be able to grieve about it with someone who genuinely cares.

People who love you will want to know what is bothering you.

As far as the outermost part of your circle, they don't need to know...and any gossipy interest they have will go away when the next gossip breaks.

vivere posted 8/25/2013 06:18 AM

We only told his father and his sister of his infidelity. I now wish they didn't know. They are the only people I have difficulty facing more than 18 months later.

My SIL, who exposed the A also knew too.

It made it very difficult for me to find someone to speak with early days. That was the drawback. Thank God for SI and my IC who allowed me to cry and cry and cry...

Though I'll never know for sure, I think the fewer people who knew made it easier to attempt to reconcile because we had fewer opinions to deal with.

Daisy312 posted 8/25/2013 06:24 AM

At first I only told my mom because we are very close and I could never keep it from her. I started to feel so alone though and ended up sharing with my two best friends. One is a WW herself so it wasn't too hard to tell her. My mom just told me to be careful who I tell because if I decide to forgive, not everyone will be able to forgive him. They don't know him like I do nor will they have all the details that I do.

Nest2007 posted 8/25/2013 06:36 AM

One of the hardest things about all this is the isolation I feel. Because we are R, I made the decision right from the outset not to tell anyone in our circles, but it's killing me. I told my closest friend (who lives 8 hours away), my doctor and my/our long time psychologist. Having to wait weeks in between appointments with our psych for IC and MC is frustrating, and while it's great having my friend to talk to, I don't want it to become the *only* thing we talk about y'know? And she doesn't share our faith (despite my husbands actions, we are both very committed Christians) and sometimes I would give anything to be able to share the entirety of this experience, including our experience of God's love and grace and mercy and forgiveness, with a Christian friend who really gets it.

TheRealDeal posted 8/25/2013 07:00 AM

Though I was extremely tempted, I did not tell everyone.

I told 1 of my sisters. She knows the details of DD3 but I haven't shared anything since then. I chose not to share more because if we do reconcile I don't want the "bad stuff" to be in her mind too.

I didn't share with my other family members either. My mom guessed what the problem was and asked me, and I confirmed. But I chose not to share any details with them because of their own past issues. Again, if we do reconcile then I don't want the "bad stuff" in their mind either.

Ultimately my family wants me to be happy, whatever path I choose.

My IC knows everything as does a trusted friend. They were both BS in their past relationships so they can relate to the roller-coaster of emotions. My IC is male and friend is female so I get both perspectives. They know that unless you stand in our shoes as BS it is very hard for someone to understand.

For me, as tempting as it was - and believe me it was VERY tempting - to share the news by contacting friends, his family, coworkers, anyone who would listen, I decided (for my own sich) that I would take the high-road. Everyone needs to decide for their own situation if it's worth it.

But for me, I couldn't see anything positive being gained by telling "everyone". For example, if I told all his friends, what would I get from them other than sympathy or other unexpected reaction? I'd come across as a venting, pissed-off, out-for-revenge type of person by sharing those details. And then they'd probably think "wow, no wonder...." regardless of the real story. And, as we all know, even if they did attempt to talk with WS about it, they cannot get him to change

Personally I ultimately just didn't see a benefit to me for sharing such intimate details with everyone.

So IC, my IRL friend, and SI friends get to hear the details, my venting, offer a lending ear and support. All without any judgement being passed.

It's such a personal decision, and not an easy one to make, but whichever way you choose, you will find support on SI.

nekorb posted 8/25/2013 08:21 AM

I have 3 best friends..I told them because I need support. My MIL knows, my uncle, and his uncle/aunt.

My physician(s) know.

I have been very careful in who I have chosen to tell...I will not tell anyone that I feel will not be forgiving or will not support my wishes too save the marriage.

Josephine01 posted 8/25/2013 08:35 AM

I told my friends, I needed someone to talk too. But, it seems that two otta three of them think I should leave him and they see me as weak now. Especially since they are both divorcing their husbands now. One for a different reason, the other for his As, but she had at least one that she admitted to as well.

I had to talk to someone. His family doesn't know. My family doesn't know. I doubt that either would care though.

He told his best friend.

Fireflies posted 8/25/2013 08:50 AM

I told my two closest girlfriends, one of whom is dealing with her own WH. I also told my OB when he asked why I wanted STD testing. WH told his parents and they in turn told his sister. One of his POS coworkers also knows, because he helped faciliate the affairs.

Sometimes, I want to tell everyone because he has all of our friends and family fooled with his Mr. Nice Guy, family man act. Why should I suffer in silence when he is the cause of it? My Aunt actually told me last Monday that I was lucky to have such a good guy like him - cue the rage! She knows nothing about what he did, but it fucking stung.

Ultimately, I've decided not to share the truth with more people not in an effort to protect him, but myself. I will not be able to deal with the judgements, unsolicited opinions/advice, and gossip. Right now, I need the support of people IRL who can just STFU and listen. Most of my family members lack that capacity.

[This message edited by Fireflies at 8:51 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Nicnac posted 8/25/2013 09:28 AM

How did you get your WS to tell his/her parents/family? I want so much for his family to know so they can yell at him and tell him how stupid he was for risking losing me and our daughter, but I don't know of a rational reason for asking him to tell them.

I don't want all of my family to know. My mom and step-dad know. My best friend and my brother know, that is it. But I don't want anyone else hating him or thinking of me as weak for staying with him. I never thought I'd be one to stay with a cheater. If someone else were in my place I'd tell them to get the hell out...

thecosmogirl posted 8/25/2013 10:48 AM

I told his mother, father, his kids and my oldest son, and all my friends. He told confessed to one employee and of course that spread to all of them.
I have no problem with the whole world knowing but, it is not the right decision for everyone. Be careful and really think about who you let into your inner circle.
I know some say it is too embarrassing to let others know if you are going to try and R. Think hard about your own personality and ability to deal with horrible personal situations around others.
I'm glad my step daughters know. It helps me and we are very open talking about it. Same with my son and some of our employees.
We don't all sit around talking about it every day or anything but, on the occasion when I'm not doing well and not quite able to put on the strong happy public face, they understand and take up the slack for me.
I'm of the type that I don't give a rats ass what people think. Or should I say the people that want to feel sorry for me or think I'm stupid or weak and won't just kick him to the curb.
This is my life and my WH and if I want to keep him or throw him out I will and no outside opinion is going to influence that.

SI not included in that last statement. This place is the best for real advice.
I hope this makes some kind of sense.

emotionalgirl posted 8/25/2013 11:33 AM

I initially had the urge to broadcast to the world what an asshat WH has been. More so I could get others to give him their opinion, as he refused to admit that hia "friendship" with a W who he lied and snuck around to see was actually an EA.

I took the high road and only told 1 person at work, mainly because she has her own marital issues and she could tell I was upset and not myself so she asked. I also told my Best F who is dealing with exactly the same situation.

My WH only has brothers and sisters whom he is not close to. He is very close to my family and I know they will never forgive and look at him the same if we R. That means that even though it is horrible I have been putting on a happy face every time I see or speak with them. It can kinda make a gal crazy, but seems like the best option. 😕

Edited for typos....I hate autocorrect!

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 11:37 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 8/25/2013 11:47 AM

From my experience on SI, Women generally want to tell the world and the men want to keep it a secret.

The problem with telling people is that, during and after R it forces people to take sides. This is especially true with family members, where the WS may be shunned at future events, leading to uncomfortable dynamics. It also may backfire on you. People with no understanding of infidelity may actually blame you for not being able to keep your spouse from straying. This usually leads to anger on the part of the BS, and the relationship falls apart.

My advice is to tell no one or maybe one very close friend that you can confidently confide in. If you need to talk, use the resources of SI, or find a good MC/IC to discuss marriage/personal issues.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:51 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

AFrayedKnot posted 8/25/2013 12:18 PM

I wanted to tell everybody. I wanted to humiliate her. I wanted to humiliate the OM. I wanted people to validate me by saying I was so strong to stick by our family.

I had to really look at my motivation for telling people. Was it rooted in negativity or moving forward?

We ended up telling quite a few people, looking for support, family and friends. We got support from everyone we told, advice, relationship books, childcare voulenteers, places to vent, encouragement. Its been a team effort to say the least.

I am glad I chose not to tell for the wrong reasons. No good would have come from that.

RippedSoul posted 8/25/2013 12:32 PM

Initially, I told no one. After 6 weeks, I just couldn't handle it alone any longer. I told both my IC and my BFF. BEST thing I ever did. I needed a release; I needed their love more than ever; I needed their strength; I needed their advice. Not a single family member was told by me (although my 17-year-old daughter found out about a month ago--inadvertently). Her father doesn't know she knows; she's going to talk to him about it when she feels emotionally ready. Also, I told my other BFF when she called me while I was on vacation in her state this summer and told me her husband was leaving her. I felt like my story might give her hope. If nothing else, I could be her own personal SI group (I've urged her to join here, but . . .). My husband told ONE of his friends--who is a FOM.

That's it. If we don't make it through this R, then, obviously, more people will know. But for now, it's easier to not be judged or pitied or pressured. IMO, no choice a BS makes is wrong unless it's made in the heat of the moment. I think the choice to share the A news widely shouldn't be made soon after D-day when tempers are high and judgment is faulty and emotions are overwrought (justifiably).

PhantomLimb posted 8/25/2013 12:38 PM

I had to tell my immediate family, friends and colleagues because I was a week away from moving across country to start a job in WS's office. His A was with a coworker there, so I had to resign to save my sanity and I moved in with family (on the opposite coast) while we discussed whether or not to do R.

When I resigned the job, I made it clear that WS was responsible for the breakup, but I didn't say exactly what. But you could probably guess.

I knew WS was telling people at that job that our split was "amicable" and basically my idea, so I wanted to alert his boss that he was full of it, at least on some level.

We work in a pretty small and insular field and it's going to get around. I'm hearing from people that are finding out and sending condolence emails and that sort of thing.

But the advice I got across the board was "razed earth." Don't let him get away with what he did to you. Let everyone know who he truly is because I have nothing to be embarrassed about, he does.

And it was important to me to let everyone know because it kept me accountable when it came to R. I had to really decide if I was willing to be known as the person who took back a cheater. And, if I was, I had to have good reasons... like that he was putting all of his effort into it. When it was clear he wasn't, it helped make my decision to S/D easier.

kernel posted 8/25/2013 12:46 PM

I told everyone - my kids (all adults), both families, friends, strangers. I considered putting it on a billboard. This was after lots of lies and gaslighting and him telling people he left because we grew apart. I don't regret it at all.

keptmyword posted 8/25/2013 12:55 PM

I told anyone I felt I wanted to tell. I told my family. I told her family. I told friends. Everyone supported me and were disgusted at what she was doing.

The only people that did not support me were three of her dysfunctional, toxic "friends" who knew about it, encouraged it before it happened, supported it during, and helped her keep it a secret behind mine and my sons' backs.

I have not felt one bit of shame, embarrassment, or humiliation throughout all this. Anguish, heartbreak, anger, shock, and disgust? Absolutely. But no embarrassment because I held fast to my values and morals throughout the worst emotional turmoil I have ever felt. I am proud of that and feel empowered by that.

The shame, embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation belong strictly to her. There was no division of that when I divorced her. It will belong to her for the rest of her life.

keptmyword posted 8/25/2013 12:55 PM

Double post.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 12:56 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

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