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cantaccept posted 8/25/2013 07:38 AM

I think the fact that he chose her and left me is the source of my biggest struggle.

That is the thought that comes to my mind over and over. Of course many other things do to, but this above everything else causes such extreme pain still.

He moved out on dday and the lack of remorse and the relief that I saw on his face, still see in my mind crushes me.

Has anyone else been through this?

I think that maybe if he had shown instant remorse or had even struggled with the decision to leave me it would not be quite so painful.

We are trying to R but this is just such a stumbling block for me.

The a was such a nothing at the time, strictly texting for a couple of months at this point.

I just cannot wrap my head around that quick decision to leave your wife, your home and go to live in a shabby motel for a virtual stranger. It just doesn't make any sense to me. To cause such pain, to be so cold and heartless for so little.

If you have been through this, how did you resolve it in your mind?

The fact that he was able to walk away so easily just breaks my heart.

mixedintherut posted 8/25/2013 08:45 AM

Unfortunately yes! I was taking care of our 6 month old daughter, working night shift while he worked day shift. He left two days after dday, had an apartment a week later, and stayed with the other woman for 2.5 years. It was hell. Our home went into foreclosure. I tried going back to school full time, while working full time, and being a single mom. I failed. I tried every day to move on. I had good days and bad days, but ultimately struggled with getting over everything. I had a really rough week, was finally to a place where I was going to accept things, and start doing myself. Low and behold he called that same week. I took him back immediately, I didn't think twice. Never thought about MC, or anything ever happening again. I was just so happy that he wanted to be back together, I was on cloud 9.

August 31st marks the one year of him being back and August 16th is the day I called him out on having an emotional affair. He admits to talking to someone, but claims they are just friends. Even as an EA, it is horrible. It's all so new. It brings back everything from the first time.

This time, however I have reacted differently, my feelings go back and fourth with if I want him back. Part of me regrets giving him a second chance. The first time around our daughter didn't know any better. Now she is four, she has had a year of family life, and now it's going to be ripped away from her. That hurts the most.

I pray that you get what you truly want out of this, and that if it is in fact to R, that he is willing to put in all of the effort that it takes, and that there is no 2.5 years of waiting for him to get his head together.

It is a very very hard road, but you can do it. Even if it's just a day at a time.

bionicgal posted 8/25/2013 09:04 AM

Cantaccept
I hear all of your confusion and hurt. Unfortunately, that is the nature of affairs.. . normally reasonable people take total leave of their senses. I joke that my smart, kind husband turned into a selfish, crazy person. Obviously it is much deeper than that, but that is how it feels. I suggest reading Not Just Friends, and you will see that your husband is as common as dandelions.

So, getting some MC and educating yourself (and him) will help a lot, and lead you towards realizing that for many people this is a surmountable problem. My H and I had a reasonably good marriage, and it happened to me. We are reconciling, and it is a painful but I hope rewarding process.

Best of luck to you.

blakesteele posted 8/25/2013 09:19 AM

cantaccept....I cant relate totally to your situation...but am confident that if my wifes OM actually responded to her breaking NC email...she would have left me.

Unfortunately, that is the nature of affairs.. . normally reasonable people take total leave of their senses.

What bionicgal states is the sad but true statement of a person within an affair. I have read numbers of books on infidelity since it entered my marriage....everyone of them talks about this self-deception that a WS does to themselves....combined with chemical reactions....

But, I cant help but think that the WS actually moving out and into the life of their AP fulltime would do nothing but jeopardize R from taking place. Resentment is a big stumbling block....think that action by a WS would create a HUGE block of resentment.

But, there are people who overcome this. My best friend in highschool had adultery enter his marriage...his wife very wild for 2 years....but they have since remarried and have, I think, successfully R.

So while it is difficult, it is very possible.

God be with us all.

cantaccept posted 8/25/2013 12:57 PM

It does seem that not too many WS left for op and then returned.

I do really struggle with this. All the pain that was inflicted after dday.

All the times I asked him to please get help for us now, it was our chance. He refused, was so cold. I felt invisible, totally rejected, replaced and discarded.

Just the fact that he chose her over me and left me to suffer alone seems almost insurmountable.

All the days and nights I spent alone, knowing he left me to pursue a new life with her. Knowing that he really didn't care what was happening to me. She was more important to him than me. It is so hard to accept this.

authenticnow posted 8/25/2013 12:59 PM

My H and I did. But I cannot stress enough how important it is to address the issues in the M and not rugsweep.

H moved out and came back home after having his wtf am I doing moment. We didn't have SI and we had a crappy MC and never really dug deep into fixing our M.

Years later I cheated. No blaming, just saying that if it happens that way, it is important not to rugsweep the issues so history doesn't repeat itself either way.

16forever posted 8/26/2013 00:57 AM

My ws left for her moved in with her even because he was in love with her he said I totally understand ur emotions this is what haunts me to he even gave me D papers when he was living with her which she so kindly help fill out I was crushed it happened to fast I felt like I couldn't breath I just wanted to fix it and get him home all he could say was its over I have wanted to leave for The last 2 yrs and then he laid the other A's on me and felt like who is this man I had been married to for 17yrs it is a pain like no other when they leave u for the AP my H took every little thing of of his out of our house and every day I had to wake up in that house surrounded by what used to be a family not to mention she lived 4 blocks away how do u get over that idk I am always thinking about how mean he was to me when he lived with her and how easily he walked away

cantaccept posted 8/26/2013 05:30 AM

(((16forever)))

Yes! That he could leave so easily, with apparently no remorse, as if I never meant anything, after all our years together.

He also told me that he hadn't loved me for years. That he had wanted to leave for a long time.

He kept telling me that he wasn't leaving for her but that our marriage was dead.

I know we had a lot of problems, it wasn't good. I also know there were a lot of other options than an affair. To me that was just cruel and selfish.

I don't believe what he said. We planned an expensive vacation about 3 weeks before he met her. You don't do this with someone you are going to leave.

Now he is back, since January. There was no great WTF moment for him. He is just starting to "get it".

It almost seems that the pain intensified having him back because I constantly question his true motives.

Why? Why are you back? Why do you love me now? What do you see now that you didn't see then? How could you chose a stranger over me? Did you ever love me?

I worry that this pain will always stay with me. I worry that I will always think "you left me".

It is a kind of hell. I am a mess. Even when my mind is thinking of something else, my body never lets me forget.

I worry that I have been hurt beyond repair. I worry that the look I saw on his face, that coldness toward me, that excitement over leaving, will be burned into my brain forever.

I wish I could find a way to get past it.

I am hoping that he becomes better able to express his remorse to me, maybe that will help and of course time.

Sometimes I think that R is harder than walking away. It is hard to tell. When he was gone, after a couple of months, actually just before he came back, I was starting to do better. When he came back it felt as if I was climbing a whole different mountain, starting all over on a different journey, a different way of thinking with a whole new set of problems and pain.

I also think that if he had been remorseful, and compassionate when he moved back it would have made a difference. I should have not allowed it so quickly, should have made him prove himself to me first.

He didn't come back because he realized that he loved me and made a mistake, he had just ended it with her and I think he was lost. He was still in a fog.

I think he is just beginning to understand the devastation, almost. I don't think they can ever truly understand unless they have been through it.

Who knew there was this much pain, I never knew before.

Eyeofthetiger posted 8/26/2013 07:30 AM

Oh how I feel your pain.

I am not sure he chose her as I do not see any communication with her anymore. I think he tried to rewrite our marriage to justify his cheating and thus left because he was "unhappy".

I wish he woul chase me. Then at least I would feel wanted even if it does hurt like hell to know he confided in another woman.

I wish he would "wake up" and realize all he is giving up.

If your WS did choose the other woman, it is only because she was not complicated. Marriages are tough stuff and most people are not willing to be in the effort. They expect happily ever after without the work. Nothing worth having comes easy.