"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
Yes! That he could leave so easily, with apparently no remorse, as if I never meant anything, after all our years together.
He also told me that he hadn't loved me for years. That he had wanted to leave for a long time.
He kept telling me that he wasn't leaving for her but that our marriage was dead.
I know we had a lot of problems, it wasn't good. I also know there were a lot of other options than an affair. To me that was just cruel and selfish.
I don't believe what he said. We planned an expensive vacation about 3 weeks before he met her. You don't do this with someone you are going to leave.
Now he is back, since January. There was no great WTF moment for him. He is just starting to "get it".
It almost seems that the pain intensified having him back because I constantly question his true motives.
Why? Why are you back? Why do you love me now? What do you see now that you didn't see then? How could you chose a stranger over me? Did you ever love me?
I worry that this pain will always stay with me. I worry that I will always think "you left me".
It is a kind of hell. I am a mess. Even when my mind is thinking of something else, my body never lets me forget.
I worry that I have been hurt beyond repair. I worry that the look I saw on his face, that coldness toward me, that excitement over leaving, will be burned into my brain forever.
I wish I could find a way to get past it.
I am hoping that he becomes better able to express his remorse to me, maybe that will help and of course time.
Sometimes I think that R is harder than walking away. It is hard to tell. When he was gone, after a couple of months, actually just before he came back, I was starting to do better. When he came back it felt as if I was climbing a whole different mountain, starting all over on a different journey, a different way of thinking with a whole new set of problems and pain.
I also think that if he had been remorseful, and compassionate when he moved back it would have made a difference. I should have not allowed it so quickly, should have made him prove himself to me first.
He didn't come back because he realized that he loved me and made a mistake, he had just ended it with her and I think he was lost. He was still in a fog.
I think he is just beginning to understand the devastation, almost. I don't think they can ever truly understand unless they have been through it.
Who knew there was this much pain, I never knew before.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie