SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

forworseorworse posted 8/25/2013 08:37 AM

I am new to this, all of this. I do not know all of the abbreviations yet so I apologize if this is long. I have had suspected something was going on with my husband for a while, his mother suspecting him also. I feared things were getting to a point of no return so I begged him to go to counseling with me, he refused. So I saw his mother's pastor for over a month. But there is only so many times you can tell your side of the story. I worked on the things the pastor and I talked about on my end. I thought things were on the mend. We had a family vacation planned. Then about a week or two before vacay he started acting hateful again.on vacation he was very hateful and distant. The day we returned after a 12 hour drive he left to "play poker " and came home sometime in the middle of the night. The next night was especially mean and I could tell something was up. I calles his mom the next day (who works at the same place as he and the OW) she said "he is sleeping with a coworker and it has been going on nearly a year " she explained how she knew and lots of stories and other people confirming. I jumped the gun and left, he denied everything but admitted to it when I gave him new information I had. I even talked to the soon to be ex husband of the other woman who has been married 16 years with 2 children, making her 10 years older than my husband. However NOW I am regretting not staying, because I WOULD like to go to counseling and work things out. He says it is beyond repair and doesn't feel it is worth working on even tho we have both never worked on it before.
-------------
me - wife -29
him -27
married 4 years -together nearly 9
The OW - 37 married 16 with 2 children
he and I have 1 two year old
dday 8-19-13
EA -began late 2012..
affair began beginning 2013...
(If all information is correct)

I can't get off this roller coaster

Girlietoo posted 8/25/2013 08:41 AM

I am sure more experienced posters will be along soon to offer advice. My suggestion is that you see a individual counsellor because you are in for a bumpy ride.

It's also worthwhile to get some legal advice since he doesn't seem remorseful, you will need some financial support/protection.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this:(

jjct posted 8/25/2013 08:54 AM

Yes to the legal advice.
No to the leaving - could be used against you as "abandoning the child"...

With his attitude, I suspect you want to do everything to fix this. That's normal. Completely.
The sooner you realize you can't fix him, the bettr you will be.
Remember this.
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE AFFAIR.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Read the 180 in the healing library.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Keep in mind, the 180 is about you and healing you alone.
It is not about getting you H to do anything - it is not a manipulative tool.
It sounds whack. It sounds counter-intuitive. I know.
But it is the #1 best thing you can do for yourself right now.
He is not in any way close to remorseful - you can't fix him!
So, take care of you & the dear baby.

Sending you strength.

Jrazz posted 8/25/2013 09:03 AM

I second everything jjct said.

Your brief departure did NOT in any way affect the chances for Reconciliation. He is trying to blame you for everything, but remember that his words are not true - they are not reflective of reality. It is key that you take care of yourself and your child at this point. I know it seems hard but you do have the strength within you.

I feel like the work you did with the pastor may have caused you to feel innecessisarily responsible for things as he gave you one sided homework for a two person relationship. Remember that you are deserving of remorse and work from WH, not the other way around.

Sending hugs and good thoughts.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:06 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

forworseorworse posted 8/25/2013 11:47 AM

I wish I could, and want to stop talking to him...but every little thought in my head ends up in a text message to him ...he is still adamant about not trying ...just hope one of us changes our minds soon