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Newest Member: trishl (61116)

User Topic: Need help now
♀ 40359
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ruined my 180 by contacting my WH this morning. I was angry and upset and wanted him to fight for us but he keeps insisting that he doesn't feel the same way because he was so unhappy and "we went too far". He wants a divorce although those words have never been said by him they have been asked by me and he says yes it is the only option. I told him this morning that I wasnt going to give him a divorce easily because he didnt even try to make our marriage work.

Out of no where he left me. We had a great winter on snowboarding weekends just the two of us. April was filled with events that we both were happy with and enjoyed each other. May and June were very busy for both of us at work and then bam middle of June he leaves after a fight we had about him working too much. Then I find out he was talking to someone else while he was still at home.

He insists him leaving had nothing to do with her. How can a marriage break down to the point where one person wants out (even with 2 kids in the picture) and the other person didnt even know something was wrong?

After getting off the phone with him this morning, I had an epiphany. If he wanted a divorce, he could have it. I won't fight him I will sign it and be done. I won't do his dirty work for him though. I have always done the work in the marriage and he just say idly. If he wants this then fine.

Is this a rash decision on my part? Do you think it will snap him into reality and make him fight for his family? He is coming to drop of the kids soon and I think I should tell him then. Then start my 180 all over again.

This person he is now is not him. He is a family man and always showed me love. I felt it up until the day before he left. How can this be happenening?

XWH left 6/2013
DDay 8/19/2013
Divorce final 7/14/2014
False reconciliation 6/15-8/15
DDay 2 8/29/15

Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 10506
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This person he is now is not him.

Yes it is. Affairs change people and not in a good way. This is who he is now. He is a jackass who wants to cake eat and is too lazy to do any work on either the M or D.

Do not tell him anything. just go 180 and NC as much as possible. Focus on yourself, not on him. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him "get it". He either will or will not on his own.

I also think you need to take a different attitude wrt a D. I absolutely understand your position. I told my X that I would never D him and I meant it when I said it. But it became apparent pretty quickly that D was not about setting him "free" it was about protecting myself and my DD from his terrible decisions. I had to legally cut him out of my life so he could not ruin me financially. I had to get a court order to force him to be financially responsible for DD. I needed to get a D for me, not for him. So that is why you should not say anything more to him about D, because you may reach a point where you see that a D is the best thing you can do to protect yourself and your kids.

I know this is difficult. The aftermath of dday is a horrible emotional roller coaster for the BS. We think that if we just say the right thing or do the right thing then the WS will "get it". Most don't get it ever, and the ones that do must come to that realization themselves.

Stay strong. Focus on yourself and your kids. Try to get sleep and try to eat healthy.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you read this before you talk to him today.

Do not tell him anything now.
Please go to the library or book store TOdAY and get Love Must Be Tough. And by tough they mean tough love. 180, get centered, expect respect, stand tall.

Please do not tell him you are reading the book. It is an easy read, the pages are kinda broken up for those of us who can't concentrate for very long! By chapter 2 you will know how to handle this. And yes, it does say to do what you are saying.
Release the "trap door" they feel holds them in the cage by not looking desperate, you have more respect that that for yourself. Be extremely calm, etc. But please read this today if you can.

I'm 53 and OW is 35, blond, cute, etc. After I got this book I stood tall, changed overnight, and XWH said he was thinking about coming back. I was so strong after only 2 chapters I looked him in the eye and calmly said "Only with Marriage Counseling. I want and I deserve the whole 9 yards. NOT a fake marriage". He was shocked because prior to this I was begging him to not leave!

The book is by Dr. James Dobson and as a Christian you would think he would say to pray, and wait, and pander to their wishes, but he actually says in the book that is EXACTLY the wrong way to handle things. He says that tells the WS you are easy and a pushover and are not a person to be respected. He says time and time again when he sees the BS stand up, turn around, work on them selves that it actually attracts the WS!

The author also says the WS is in the middle of an addiction of sorts and actions speak to these people. Some words, yes, but only said with confidence.

I know this is so so so hard right now for you with children. 180 180 180

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:00 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 99
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not tell him anything. just go 180 and NC as much as possible. Focus on yourself, not on him. There is nothing you can do or say that will make him "get it". He either will or will not on his own.

^^agree with Dreamboat^^

Don't "announce" your intentions. Let your ACTIONS show him. Much more effective. If you tell him, you are essentially giving him "permission" to leave the marriage without guilt.

Go hard 180 and let your actions speak for you.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
♀ 40359
Member # 40359
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

Glad I read this before he got here. My kids' birthday party is today. Going to look damn good and act it too! I made it his choice to come or not come. His family won't be here as they are on vacation but mine will and they all know he walked out on us and that he had an EA.

Although I want him to suffer his consequences of leaving his family, our kids want their dad here.

Wish me luck.

XWH left 6/2013
DDay 8/19/2013
Divorce final 7/14/2014
False reconciliation 6/15-8/15
DDay 2 8/29/15

Posts: 178 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he's been gone for 2+ months, [and obviously his leaving had everything to do with her! dah!]

I think you could follow through with your epiphany by consulting with a lawyer or two or three. Find out what you could likely expect in a D. Get information - know where you stand if it goes that route. That means gathering your financial paper work - getting and securing copies of everything you will need if it goes to D.

Then sit down and write the pro's and con's of filing now. Is there an advantage to your filing first? How does you state view infidelity? (Q's for the lawyer). Will you be better off financially waiting a bit? Or worse off?

You do not have to hire a lawyer at this time (and you maybe want to wait a bit to see if your epiphany turns into resolve). But information is power. It is wise to prepare for the worse even if you are hoping for the best.

Meanwhile I'd turn that 180 into NC (no contact with your WH that is). Keep all communication to finances and kids. Show him what D will look like. Don't let he loll about at your home when he visits the kids - he should take them and go, during visitation. Don't get into personal conversations. Email
all communication as to kids and finances - ever aware that these may be viewed by a court some day. No emotion in front of him.

A married man doesn't get to live as single, while stringing his wife along with "this may go to D". Don't tell him that - show him.

What you are experiencing is truly right out of the WS handbook: cake-eating. He doesn't want to shut the door on you, because he isn't certain of her. So he is stringing you along as a back up plan. You deserve more! You are nobodies backup plan.

If you do decide to file - don't do so with the expectation that it will wake him up Could he? Possibly, but it is more likely that he will say thing like: "this is what you wanted!" and that he will just let it happen painting you as the "bad guy".

As textbooks as A's seem to go - this is your life, your marriage, your WS. Take your time deciding on your course of action.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before you say anything or initiate any more talks about a D, go and talk to a L. Just for information at this point. Ask what to expect, what are some issues that come up, is *when* a consideration, or *who* files? Find out if you're in a fault or no-fault state, community property/separate property state. By doing this and having the information, then IF you just happen to get handed D papers out of the blue.....nothing in them should *throw* you and send you into a panic.

Now as was said a bit ago, a married person doesn't get to live a single life (unless BOTH partners have actually *agreed* to this).....but ESPECIALLY a married person that is CHEATING doesn't get to behave this way.

And a married cheater that is dangling the D word in front of his/her BS makes me feel very, very stabby. That just adds insult to injury and is a pretty asshole move, IMO.

Your epiphany is NOT a rash decision. It is a wake-up call for you and it really is the reality. You cannot MAKE him *want* to stay married and you cannot MAKE him *fix* what he's broken. He has to want to do those things for himself and for the marriage. It appears that he is not interested in doing either of those things, so your mind has 'moved on' to the next step and said "Ok. Fine." (not sure how far along you are, but if he keeps this crap up, then that "ok fine" will soon be followed by the word "dickhead".....)

Anyway. Just re-start your 180 and consider moving as close to NC with him as you can at this point. Gather your information, and if there isn't a really good logistical reason to hold off on a D at this point...then give it a week or 10 days and if he brings up the topic of seeing no other way than D, then tell him "fine. We can meet at the courthouse on X day and sign a joint divorce petition. What time works for you on that day?" OTOH, if he HASN'T brought it up at all, then YOU file and allow him to be served w/o warning. And if he calls you in a panic/fury about being served, just tell him that you got his message *loud and clear* and are giving him what he wanted (then hang up or close the door on him).

I'm sorry that this is your reality (it's mine too), but the only part of this that you can control is yourself. If you don't want to live as a married woman whose husband is acting like a college frat boy, then you really don't have too many other options.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my WH was in the throws of his EA it was as if he was pushing me to file. For D without saying the words. He wanted to be able to play the victim, because he felt he was doing nothing wrong. I too had NO idea we were having marital issues...this is what he claims he needed to talk to the OW about. I tried everything at first but the asshat just wanted to cake eat! They literally do become another person when they have an A and their logic is totally screwed, add that to the fact that they all want to justify their actions so the victimize themselves.

We had what I call a "come to Jesus" conversation where I laid out my limits and boundaries very factually without emotion. He tried to deflect, defend, and refused to comply. The next morning I moved into our spare room and started 180 and I went at it hard...even though we live in the same house. I do nothing for him ( I was his willing slave for 25 yrs). I still won't be the one to file for D if he wants it he has to do the work.

I have been very fortunate in that going 180 woke him the hell up. This being said I wouldn't care if it did. I am doing 180 for me and only me. If he wants to save our marriage he has to prove it, I am worth it.

I have 25 yrs with this man, initially I didn't want to even think that our marriage could end, but if he thinks so little of me that he can spend time with her...then she can have him!

I found some great bitch boots, laced em up tight.....and I ain't takin em off until I am damn good and ready. 180 and lovin it!

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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