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verge of tears

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boots5050 posted 8/25/2013 09:38 AM

DD was two days ago, its been a year now
I live my life tears welling up inside of me, cant seem to get that final release of letting them go, too many years of holding them back
my wife, god bless her has given me a second chance. I never took a chance in my life by allowing myself to feel, strange after 50 years that I am starting now. Therapy has given me the opportunity to CHANGE, to actually feel each moment of every day. This is my first post ever, now I know why my wife clings to this website, names are different but its the same similar emotions. I cheated on my wife with another woman last year, repeating the same pattern that I had established, pushing away everybody that threatened me emotionally, preferring to block out, withhold my feelings, responding with anger instead of allowing truth and honesty, which was that I had very little self worth. What a strange world this is, stopped drinking over four months ago realizing finally that my wife was worth everything to me, that we have never even really known each other intimately, hanging out in "numbness and dumbness" by allowing alcohol to rule our marriage
I have very little advice to give anybody, but if you are reading this, and drinking is part of your struggle in your marriage, STOP
Anyway, I have hope, my devotion is to heal my wife thru this, heal myself, heal our marriage
These are just the ramblings of a confused middle aged, grief stricken person who have finally stepped out of the shadows into to the light. Thank you for listening

YoungMistakes83 posted 8/25/2013 09:46 AM

Good for you Boots.

My dad choose the alcohol addiction over fixing his marriage and 20 years later he hasn't changed a bit, and he's miserable. Glad to hear that you are choosing happiness and health.

UnexpectedSong posted 8/25/2013 09:47 AM

Welcome, Boots. I am glad you have found us. Do you know why you stopped yourself from feeling emotions a long time ago?

boots5050 posted 8/25/2013 09:53 AM

I edify myself that it was TRADITION in my family to hold back. I blame genetics and my parents lack of everything good, the way kids are supposed to be taught, in so many ways I was trapped as a child. my parents did not allow me to express myself, they were too busy with five children, miserable with each other, what chance did I have???

authenticnow posted 8/25/2013 10:03 AM

I can relate to not being able to express emotions as a child and not learning to feel or express feelings in a healthy way.

The good news is that we don't have to continue to be victims of our past, we can change things starting now.


my devotion is to heal my wife thru this, heal myself, heal our marriage
Good for you! You will learn that it is freeing to start living authentically and truthfully.

What is your plan to make this happen?

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/25/2013 17:04 PM

Boots, the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago; the second-best time is now.

Breaking out of lifelong patterns is so hard, and you've got a lot of people here who can relate. Welcome.

Steppenwolf posted 8/25/2013 21:42 PM

Congratulations on four months of sobriety. That quite an accomplishment. With a clear head now, you can really get to work.
Deconstruct your old self; start working on a new one.

startingover62 posted 8/25/2013 22:51 PM

Yea Boots!

I had to give all hope for a better past and look at today and tomorrow when it comes. I also gave up alcohol just after D day. That did me a world of good. As a WS

startingover62 posted 8/25/2013 22:57 PM

I found that my emotional isolation led me to having secrets and eventually an affair. For me it has helped greatly to join a mens group where we talk about our emotions and practice the skills lots of men missed out on, like openness, honesty, and emotional literacy.

It is great you have started to pull it together.

SO

floridaredman posted 8/28/2013 10:45 AM

boots5050,

How bad do you want your marriage?

Do you want it bad enough that you will stop doing the things that hurt your wife?

Do you want it bad enough to stop the habits that make your wife feel sorrow and low self esteem?

Do you want your marriage so bad that you can empathize with her pain that will contribute to the healing of your marriage?

Stopping the alcohol was a good step.
If you value her, why do you keep hurting her?

Are you doing the things that will help her trust you?

You have to own what you did. Then you have to work on fixing you.
Most of all you have to be sorry for what you did.

Sorry enough to improve yourself and learn healthier behaviors.

I've been where you are and until you feel genuine remorse and work on yourself, your marriage is going to be in trouble.

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