My dad choose the alcohol addiction over fixing his marriage and 20 years later he hasn't changed a bit, and he's miserable. Glad to hear that you are choosing happiness and health.
The good news is that we don't have to continue to be victims of our past, we can change things starting now.
my devotion is to heal my wife thru this, heal myself, heal our marriage
What is your plan to make this happen?
Breaking out of lifelong patterns is so hard, and you've got a lot of people here who can relate. Welcome.
I had to give all hope for a better past and look at today and tomorrow when it comes. I also gave up alcohol just after D day. That did me a world of good. As a WS
It is great you have started to pull it together.
How bad do you want your marriage?
Do you want it bad enough that you will stop doing the things that hurt your wife?
Do you want it bad enough to stop the habits that make your wife feel sorrow and low self esteem?
Do you want your marriage so bad that you can empathize with her pain that will contribute to the healing of your marriage?
Stopping the alcohol was a good step.
If you value her, why do you keep hurting her?
Are you doing the things that will help her trust you?
You have to own what you did. Then you have to work on fixing you.
Most of all you have to be sorry for what you did.
Sorry enough to improve yourself and learn healthier behaviors.
I've been where you are and until you feel genuine remorse and work on yourself, your marriage is going to be in trouble.