I will never give up on my wife. Never. I will love her forever....
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time
I'm sorry that you're here.
As a BS, my advice would be for you to be there for her, do whatever she needs. Reinforce your love for her with actions.
Be the father and spouse that your family deserves.
As a very recent BS, I am hurting and angry, and I want to see my WS (and everybody else's) "get what they deserve." Your story makes me sad because I'm afraid that's where I'll end up - with a remorseful husband, deserving of my forgiveness, and I won't be able to do it.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. All I can say is, continue to be there for her (even if you're not there with her). Sometimes we need a little distance before we can see what we truly want.
Keep your head up.
married 2y, together 2.5y
1 beautiful daughter, 23m
"Someday soon, I'm going to put my life together; Win or lose, I'm starting over again."
I wish you and your family healing and luck.
Separated transitioning to D
I have read and PMed many BS's who feel like your wife. They are lost souls searching to feel like their lives were not a waist. I am sorry that your BS has found the need for a separation. Like others here I think she is trying her darn hardest to get beyond the pain and hurt. But what so many WS's don't get is that most of them, in the flesh, are living, breathing triggers to their BS's. just seeing you and being with you reminds them of what has now become their new reality.
For me, good anti D meds helped me level out my pain and sadness to a point where I was able to deal with the situation realistically. But my dose has been increased twice and I hope I can finally level out. For many more people, even anti D meds don't help them.
Krona, you sound like a remorseful and respectful WS. Unfortunately,for now, your BS is having a really hard time wading through the crap. She is drowning in fact and her recent request should be seen as a positive thing. She is trying everything in her power to get beyond what you have turned her life into. She has not turned you out in vain. She has worked hard at trying to overcome the obstruction you put in her path. I personally would approach this in as positive a manner that you can. Support her, help her, hug her, and always show her what and who you want to become. At this point that's all you can do. She is trying to take control of her own life back from this. I hope you will be part of it when she comes up for air.
[This message edited by TxsT at 10:09 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
I can't believe this nightmare even exists. I wake up every day praying it's a f'd up dream. This has been and will always be the worst time of my life because no matter the outcome I will always be responsible for what happened. I created hurt for my wife, my children, her and my family, my job, our friends and myself.
She tells me all the time that she's proud of who I am today. That she gets upset thinking someone else may get to love the new me. She constantly says she doesn't understand. That all she did was go to work and come home to take care of her family. That she didn't deserve this. That this isn't what she signed up for. God I hate myself for this fucking mess. The more I think about it the worse I get.
Sometimes when we talk conversations turn to things in the future as if we're together and I wasn't leaving. For example the other day we talked about going to an indoor water park in the winter with the kids. Something we've done in the past. She agreed it would be a great idea and we discussed going with another family. Glimmer of hope. Ten minutes later she's asking if the kids are going to help me move.....back to reality.
I realize at this point I'm going off on tangents. But to be honest I feel typing on this web site calms me a little and helps me deal. Reading replies with positive feedback helps me. I'm really trying to hold it together because last year not so much. I had a nervous breakdown ending up in the psych for a week. Spent many nights with panic attacks crying like a baby at the loss of my family. I'm better now but sometimes I feel like it's coming back.....I hate that place I was at. Lost and confused. Sad and angry. Pure hell.
I will continue as you said supporting her and letting her know how I feel and continue with my IC. Take my meds every day. Go to work and be Mr Mom as much as possible. But I will miss my best friend and the greatest person I've ever known. I pray every day that she can find me again in her heart. That she can forgive me and accept me now for who I am. Because I guarantee she will never be dissapointed or hurt again. If she can't then what a waste of a great marriage this has become.
And I will never forgive myself......
We have resorted to letter writing as a means to decrease the barriers between us.....to allow each of us to say the most difficult things to each other.....to discuss the core reasons why we are where we are. It was easier for my H to answer completely this way because he didn't have to see the hurt in my eyes when I read his words. He has become increasingly better at opening up and getting to the root causes of his feelings without feeling like I may skewer him or feed him to the wolves. He has come to appreciate that I am trying my hardest to plow through the mountain and open a road.
Your last post spoke to my heart. Maybe your wife would appreciate reading it????
[This message edited by TxsT at 11:23 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]
In the past 11 months I have changed dramatically as a person bc of this crisis. No longer am I selfish. No longer am I cocky and arrogant. I am sick of hiding things or keeping thoughts or feelings to myself. I realized through IC that who I was had a lot to do with my up bringing. That I had a huge self esteem issue and that I put on a mask every day to make me look and feel better than I thought I was. Funny thing was that my wife knew all of that about me.
I have learned the following:
1 - Live in the moment and do not let the past dictate the future.
2 - Be positive as much as you can. Don't live in the negative world
3 - If you feel or have something nice to say to a person just say it. It does no good sitting in your head. People tend to only say the bad or negative things.
4 - Communication is key
5 - Emotionally connection is key to a good marriage
The answer to your question is yes. I tell my wife everything. Our communication has gotten 1000 times better than before. She tells me now that although we always talked (I mentioned that earlier) we never really "talked". I share everything with her. My thoughts, my feelings, my dreams. I hold nothing back. I am an open book not only to her but to anyone else. No more phony facade. I am who I am and if people don't like me oh well. My relationships with people have improved over the last year.
I guess this is why this whole situation is so hard for me. I feel like I've done everything right in so many ways yet she still can't see past the lies, the cheating, the deciet.
Through IC/MC we both are well aware of why it happened and why it lasted 3 months. The reasons although the act was selfish, wrong, and evil, made sense as to the situation. Did it have to happen? Of course it didn't. And there is no excuses. I have and always will take the blame 100%. It was never her. Never.
At this point it appears that all the cards are on the table and it's all a matter of her choosing. I have told her about this site. I have asked her to read not only my posts but others too. As I feel she can benefit from this too. She has read some in the past but not sure if she still does. She's so angry, sad, and confused that I'm sure she gets tired of talking about it. And reading about it.
Seriously, it gives both partners a chance to respond from a rational distance rather than a emotionally charged panic cluster fuck.
All those neat reactions of hanging on when we should be letting go and rejection based chemical dumps can be eliminated and logical assessments made. Then if the work is consistent and safety felt you both can build a future together.
Don't become a fortune teller. Neither of you are. Just deal with this using your new healthy coping skills and thought processes (you've installed those to fill the holes of the old ones, right?) and trust in yourself.
One step at a time.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
You're a realist. You tell it like it is. I'm not and have a hard time dealing even with my new coping skills.
Last night my wife came home from an overnight with her old best friend in New York City. They hadn't seen eachother in years and needed to catch up. I could tell things weren't good when she wouldn't return any texts except a few short answers. Beleive me I was giving her space but at the same time asked from time to time if she was ok bc I hadn't heard from her.
When she got home around 9 we sat at the table and talked over a few beers. The conversation quickly went south when I opened my big mouth. I asked about the short texts and that it bothered me. She then went on to reiterate that when I move out this Monday that there won't be much communication except for the kids. She said she didn't have to answer to me anymore which blew me away. 1st off she never had to "answer" to me. But it was her way of saying that come Monday she has no reason for contact except for the kids.
What's killing me is that we are friends in this marriage and we both love eachother. I am and always will be in love with my wife but she says she's not. For the last 4 weeks she has been stone cold to me with her walls as high as I can see. No matter what I say or do she will not budge. She says in the last 10 months she's tried to be a happy family again but she kept her feelings bottled up inside to the point where she now hates the thought of sleeping in the same bed let alone being in the same house. She has made it very clear she wants to be alone. This is coming from a person who did everything for me for 20 years. Who was the most affectionate and compassionate person I knew. And although I've changed and been consistent for 11 months now it doesn't matter. Our life past present and future doesn't matter. I begged her last night to please keep an open door on us. Not to give up on our marriage. I am respecting her wishes and moving out so she can heal, find herself and what she wants so she can be happy again. Everyone's advice is to let go of the outcome and that a future cannot be predicted. I get it. I know it's her choice. But I can't just give up.
Last night sleeping was my worst in almost a year. I tossed and turned and had that awful feeling in my gut. She was the same. We both couldn't sleep. I'm here at work trying to keep it together but am having a hard time. Tonight we tell the kids I'm moving out. They will be upset that their dad is leaving them yet again. We both know it's important to let them know they're safe and that we love them. That it has nothing to do with them and that it's about us working things out. This nightmare keeps f'ing with me letting me know yet again what I did to my family. It's like it never goes away.
I've never seen my wife like this in all my life and it scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong independent woman with a lot of pride and perserverance. I know she will be ok without me. It just doesn't feel right. I tell her over and over how sorry I am. How much I've changed. How big of a waste it would be to end the marriage. She just looks at me and shakes her head and says I don't care. I hate what you did and right now I need to be alone.
I'm sorry for the rambling but I needed to get it out. I know what to do. Like previous post stated use my coping skills. I'm trying. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I'm trying. I just suck at it.