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kroma posted 8/25/2013 10:11 AM

This is a sad and scary time for me and my BS. Next Sunday I move to an apartment per my wife's wishes. I'm leaving my BS and my 2 kids (ages 11 and 13). After 10 months of trying to make our marriage work she has decided that she needs her space. She can't get past the actual A itself. She's proud of everything I've done. She knows how remorseful I am. But she's so consumed with the movies in her head that she can't move forward. In fact she says over and over she can't see us together. That hurts more than ever.
For 15 years she gave me everything. She always put me and everyone else 1st. Unconditional. She was always there for me emotionally and physically. She always said that no matter what I did we could do anything. Until the A. I guess she never thought that would happen. Neither did I. Now my choices has put her in a place she hates. She's always been a compassionate person for everyone else around her. Her life was centered around pleasing everyone else but her. She's an administrator of a 260 bed nursing home. Very successful. She's taken care of our 2 kids (Gymnastics 5 days a week and him in baseball, football, basketball, whatever....) She says over and over she didn't ask for this. All she did was take care of her family. Now her life has changed and she's miserable (Her words). She says I took that away from her. All she's left with is the pain in the pit of her stomach.
I hate myself for what I did to her. I hate seeing who she is today and how she looks at life now. She is such a beautiful person inside and out and she never deserved any of this. And for what? 3 months of cheap selfish deceitful actions. I'm so afraid that those 3 months will cost us OUR life together. We truly had it all and now we have nothing.....for now.
Through the last 11 months of IC I've learned about who I am. Why I did what I did. And the person I want to be. I'm proud of my thoughts and my actions from D-Day till now. I constantly am trying to understand what a marriage truly is and am trying hard to focus on the positives in life. Problem is that my life is missing one thing and theres nothing I can do about it. It's up to her to figure out what she wants now and there's a real possibility it's not me. She says she loves me and always will. She says no matter what we'll always be friends and great parents to our kids. But she can't fully understand why I would throw away everything for the A. She doesn't know if she can ever get past this and just wants to be happy again....with or without me. In her mind its without me. Our friends keep telling me "she loves you". But that might not be enough. Again there's so much uncertainty with what's about to happen in a week. We both say we're sad, scared, and tired. I'm not ready to give up that's for sure. She is my wife today. I love her with all of my heart and will continue to try and be positive....best I can. I just don't know what she will do. Time will tell.......feeling uneasy and scared.

Williesmom posted 8/25/2013 10:25 AM

((Kroma))

I'm sorry that you're here.

As a BS, my advice would be for you to be there for her, do whatever she needs. Reinforce your love for her with actions.

Be the father and spouse that your family deserves.

kroma posted 8/25/2013 10:38 AM

In my situation it's not up to me. Our communication has been better than ever. She knows what I've done to help myself and my family but she says its not about me. My actions and words do not matter to her right now. She is so upset that I could even do what I did after everything we've been through and the life we shared. She's a thinker. Very bright and very sensitive when it comes to sex and love. I did the unthinkable. And there's nothing I can say or do that will change how she feels right now.
That being said I will continue to express my love and hopeful future without pressing her. I will continue to be a great dad. I will continue to go to IC and strive to be a better person. I just refuse to give up hope. I am the ultimate optimist. She is the ultimate pessimist.
Thanks for the advice.....

Twentyplus posted 8/25/2013 15:21 PM

While our story is much different than yours (very LTA + financial infidelity) some of the 10 month separation was very good for my healing (i.e., ending hypervigilance over his behaviors) and ultimately good for reconciliation. Having my H out of the 24/7 picture gave me the opportunity to let down and look inward to determine what I wanted for a future. Eventually I recognized that I did want him in that future. R is still hard for us, but progress is constant. Try to work on yourself and let the outcome go. This separation can be an opportunity for you as well. Good thoughts to you.

Daisy312 posted 8/25/2013 15:50 PM

BS here I could relate to a lot of what you say your BW is feeling. I too have given my FWH 15 yrs of my life. I have put him and our children before myself the entire time we have been together. I have been thinking of separating for a bit so that I can find myself. I lost myself 15 yrs ago and I think the space would help me gain a sense of who I am separate from my FWH. Maybe this is What she needs. She may need to see that you aren't seeking anyone else, and will continue to work on yourself. She might need to know that if she takes you back it's for the right reasons not because you are all she really knows. It's very scary being a BS. We need to look out for ourselves for once.

krazy8516 posted 8/25/2013 21:12 PM

My heart is breaking for you kroma.

As a very recent BS, I am hurting and angry, and I want to see my WS (and everybody else's) "get what they deserve." Your story makes me sad because I'm afraid that's where I'll end up - with a remorseful husband, deserving of my forgiveness, and I won't be able to do it.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. All I can say is, continue to be there for her (even if you're not there with her). Sometimes we need a little distance before we can see what we truly want.

Keep your head up.

badchoice posted 8/27/2013 08:16 AM

I am sorry you find yourself where you are. The details of my A are different, but in the end, my BW could not get over it,

I wish you and your family healing and luck.

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 09:34 AM

As a recovering BS I would like to add that even those of us who have found a way to get to R, we BS's never forget. I was so much like your wife and I am also so badly changed because of this. My ability to be "me" does not exist yet and I am still trying to figure out what it is that I have become. I used to feel things deeply and react in kind. I did my job well.....mom, wife, "the glue" of the family. For 25 years I stopped being me to wind up being slapped in the face so hard I still feel it was all a waist. To know that you were under appreciated so much, or even better used for your strength and ability to push through anything all while your partner in life lead a double life is mind blowing, defeating, demeaning, just plain wrong. To have the life sucked out of you is numbing and to have your life's work put into question the single most selfish thing one person can do to another. These are the things us LTA's deal with on a daily basis. Some of us are better at juggling the mess, I guess you can say I am compartmentalizing the pain just to get through each day.

I have read and PMed many BS's who feel like your wife. They are lost souls searching to feel like their lives were not a waist. I am sorry that your BS has found the need for a separation. Like others here I think she is trying her darn hardest to get beyond the pain and hurt. But what so many WS's don't get is that most of them, in the flesh, are living, breathing triggers to their BS's. just seeing you and being with you reminds them of what has now become their new reality.

For me, good anti D meds helped me level out my pain and sadness to a point where I was able to deal with the situation realistically. But my dose has been increased twice and I hope I can finally level out. For many more people, even anti D meds don't help them.

Krona, you sound like a remorseful and respectful WS. Unfortunately,for now, your BS is having a really hard time wading through the crap. She is drowning in fact and her recent request should be seen as a positive thing. She is trying everything in her power to get beyond what you have turned her life into. She has not turned you out in vain. She has worked hard at trying to overcome the obstruction you put in her path. I personally would approach this in as positive a manner that you can. Support her, help her, hug her, and always show her what and who you want to become. At this point that's all you can do. She is trying to take control of her own life back from this. I hope you will be part of it when she comes up for air.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 10:09 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

kroma posted 8/27/2013 10:58 AM

T
That is all great advice and you are 100% on everything you said about her. She has been on anti A meds for a few years now.
We talk about our situation all the time. Like I said we have always been best friends and always spent mornings and nights talking over coffee or drinks. That has never changed. When the A subject comes up where we talk about the impending separartion or the "why's" it always comes down to one thing. It doesn't matter what I feel. It doesn't matter how remorseful I am or what I've done over the past 11 months for our marriage. It's about her right now. She's angry with me for putting her in this position to make a choice about our marriage. She does trigger evry time she looks at me. She says she loves me but may not be in love with me. All she knows is the hurt.

I can't believe this nightmare even exists. I wake up every day praying it's a f'd up dream. This has been and will always be the worst time of my life because no matter the outcome I will always be responsible for what happened. I created hurt for my wife, my children, her and my family, my job, our friends and myself.

She tells me all the time that she's proud of who I am today. That she gets upset thinking someone else may get to love the new me. She constantly says she doesn't understand. That all she did was go to work and come home to take care of her family. That she didn't deserve this. That this isn't what she signed up for. God I hate myself for this fucking mess. The more I think about it the worse I get.

Sometimes when we talk conversations turn to things in the future as if we're together and I wasn't leaving. For example the other day we talked about going to an indoor water park in the winter with the kids. Something we've done in the past. She agreed it would be a great idea and we discussed going with another family. Glimmer of hope. Ten minutes later she's asking if the kids are going to help me move.....back to reality.

I realize at this point I'm going off on tangents. But to be honest I feel typing on this web site calms me a little and helps me deal. Reading replies with positive feedback helps me. I'm really trying to hold it together because last year not so much. I had a nervous breakdown ending up in the psych for a week. Spent many nights with panic attacks crying like a baby at the loss of my family. I'm better now but sometimes I feel like it's coming back.....I hate that place I was at. Lost and confused. Sad and angry. Pure hell.

I will continue as you said supporting her and letting her know how I feel and continue with my IC. Take my meds every day. Go to work and be Mr Mom as much as possible. But I will miss my best friend and the greatest person I've ever known. I pray every day that she can find me again in her heart. That she can forgive me and accept me now for who I am. Because I guarantee she will never be dissapointed or hurt again. If she can't then what a waste of a great marriage this has become.
And I will never forgive myself......

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 11:22 AM

Man oh man ((((((Korma))))))) I usually don't send hugs across the net but I felt it was appropriate in this situation. Reading your response to my post was hard. To see so many lives destroyed by A's can be sobering. Your openness and honesty is admirable. May I ask you one question....please don't take offence....but are you as open and honest with her as you are about how you feel about your actions when you post? Cyberspace is an interesting place where you have none of the usual barriers that exist in the real world. For you I bet some of those barriers are the hurt and lost look in your wife's eyes. The understanding that just your presence can cause a trigger. These barriers have stopped my H from sometimes saying EVERYTHING that is on his mind or in his heart. He has told me so often that to see the pain and confusion I deal with on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis, is hell for him and he does not want to give me more. It took him a while to stop couching his explanations and realize that only the whole truth was needed, no matter how much it hurt me.

We have resorted to letter writing as a means to decrease the barriers between us.....to allow each of us to say the most difficult things to each other.....to discuss the core reasons why we are where we are. It was easier for my H to answer completely this way because he didn't have to see the hurt in my eyes when I read his words. He has become increasingly better at opening up and getting to the root causes of his feelings without feeling like I may skewer him or feed him to the wolves. He has come to appreciate that I am trying my hardest to plow through the mountain and open a road.

Your last post spoke to my heart. Maybe your wife would appreciate reading it????

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:23 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

kroma posted 8/27/2013 12:07 PM

T

In the past 11 months I have changed dramatically as a person bc of this crisis. No longer am I selfish. No longer am I cocky and arrogant. I am sick of hiding things or keeping thoughts or feelings to myself. I realized through IC that who I was had a lot to do with my up bringing. That I had a huge self esteem issue and that I put on a mask every day to make me look and feel better than I thought I was. Funny thing was that my wife knew all of that about me.

I have learned the following:
1 - Live in the moment and do not let the past dictate the future.
2 - Be positive as much as you can. Don't live in the negative world
3 - If you feel or have something nice to say to a person just say it. It does no good sitting in your head. People tend to only say the bad or negative things.
4 - Communication is key
5 - Emotionally connection is key to a good marriage

The answer to your question is yes. I tell my wife everything. Our communication has gotten 1000 times better than before. She tells me now that although we always talked (I mentioned that earlier) we never really "talked". I share everything with her. My thoughts, my feelings, my dreams. I hold nothing back. I am an open book not only to her but to anyone else. No more phony facade. I am who I am and if people don't like me oh well. My relationships with people have improved over the last year.
I guess this is why this whole situation is so hard for me. I feel like I've done everything right in so many ways yet she still can't see past the lies, the cheating, the deciet.
Through IC/MC we both are well aware of why it happened and why it lasted 3 months. The reasons although the act was selfish, wrong, and evil, made sense as to the situation. Did it have to happen? Of course it didn't. And there is no excuses. I have and always will take the blame 100%. It was never her. Never.

At this point it appears that all the cards are on the table and it's all a matter of her choosing. I have told her about this site. I have asked her to read not only my posts but others too. As I feel she can benefit from this too. She has read some in the past but not sure if she still does. She's so angry, sad, and confused that I'm sure she gets tired of talking about it. And reading about it.

uncertainone posted 8/27/2013 12:42 PM

Honestly I think that separation after the shit show infidelity is should be a requirement for reconciliation. I know I'm not speaking from experience but I can tell Mark Sanchez sucks without setting foot on the field either.

Seriously, it gives both partners a chance to respond from a rational distance rather than a emotionally charged panic cluster fuck.

All those neat reactions of hanging on when we should be letting go and rejection based chemical dumps can be eliminated and logical assessments made. Then if the work is consistent and safety felt you both can build a future together.

Don't become a fortune teller. Neither of you are. Just deal with this using your new healthy coping skills and thought processes (you've installed those to fill the holes of the old ones, right?) and trust in yourself.

One step at a time.

kroma posted 8/28/2013 10:10 AM

U-One

You're a realist. You tell it like it is. I'm not and have a hard time dealing even with my new coping skills.

Last night my wife came home from an overnight with her old best friend in New York City. They hadn't seen eachother in years and needed to catch up. I could tell things weren't good when she wouldn't return any texts except a few short answers. Beleive me I was giving her space but at the same time asked from time to time if she was ok bc I hadn't heard from her.
When she got home around 9 we sat at the table and talked over a few beers. The conversation quickly went south when I opened my big mouth. I asked about the short texts and that it bothered me. She then went on to reiterate that when I move out this Monday that there won't be much communication except for the kids. She said she didn't have to answer to me anymore which blew me away. 1st off she never had to "answer" to me. But it was her way of saying that come Monday she has no reason for contact except for the kids.
What's killing me is that we are friends in this marriage and we both love eachother. I am and always will be in love with my wife but she says she's not. For the last 4 weeks she has been stone cold to me with her walls as high as I can see. No matter what I say or do she will not budge. She says in the last 10 months she's tried to be a happy family again but she kept her feelings bottled up inside to the point where she now hates the thought of sleeping in the same bed let alone being in the same house. She has made it very clear she wants to be alone. This is coming from a person who did everything for me for 20 years. Who was the most affectionate and compassionate person I knew. And although I've changed and been consistent for 11 months now it doesn't matter. Our life past present and future doesn't matter. I begged her last night to please keep an open door on us. Not to give up on our marriage. I am respecting her wishes and moving out so she can heal, find herself and what she wants so she can be happy again. Everyone's advice is to let go of the outcome and that a future cannot be predicted. I get it. I know it's her choice. But I can't just give up.
Last night sleeping was my worst in almost a year. I tossed and turned and had that awful feeling in my gut. She was the same. We both couldn't sleep. I'm here at work trying to keep it together but am having a hard time. Tonight we tell the kids I'm moving out. They will be upset that their dad is leaving them yet again. We both know it's important to let them know they're safe and that we love them. That it has nothing to do with them and that it's about us working things out. This nightmare keeps f'ing with me letting me know yet again what I did to my family. It's like it never goes away.
I've never seen my wife like this in all my life and it scares the shit out of me. She's a very strong independent woman with a lot of pride and perserverance. I know she will be ok without me. It just doesn't feel right. I tell her over and over how sorry I am. How much I've changed. How big of a waste it would be to end the marriage. She just looks at me and shakes her head and says I don't care. I hate what you did and right now I need to be alone.
I'm sorry for the rambling but I needed to get it out. I know what to do. Like previous post stated use my coping skills. I'm trying. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through and I'm trying. I just suck at it.