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Rug sweeping vs putting it all behind you

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roses303 posted 8/25/2013 10:27 AM

At what point do you start putting it all behind you and move forward. When is it rug sweeping and when is it just getting on with your life.

And does it matter if you at BS or WS?

For example WH would prefer never to talk about the A again. He wants to move forward and is working hard to be the man and husband he needs to be to do that. He would prefer we just move forward without dwelling on his stupid, self serving, asshole moves over the last decade. (Not that he won't talk about it. He'd just prefer to move on )

I admit as a BS that sometime I just want to do the same. At some point hopefully soon I want to push the A out of my mind so I can focus on the future without dwelling on the past. But then I think. Am I rug sweeping? Am I missing something? Should I be asking for more?

Hrtbrken1 posted 8/25/2013 10:51 AM

It's been over 2 years for us, and I am just now starting to feel some peace. I am finally starting to move on, but that is due to my FWH willingness to talk, to be open, to hold my hand, and to answer my questions for the 1000th time. Is your husband in IC? Are you guys in MC?

The fact is that *not* talking about it is rugsweeping. There are issues that led to his betrayal, and yes, it's hard to look back and see the person he was. But if he wants you guys to R, he needs to be willing to do the hard work. That includes talking to you about what he did. Whenever you need it. It's not an easy path, and he can't just bury his head in the sand because he doesn't like it.

Good luck.

roses303 posted 8/25/2013 11:05 AM

I guess that is part of the issue. I really don't know how much more I need.

He is answering questions, though i dont ask many anymore, and we are going to MC but at MC we are focusing on what we need to make it a better Marraige rather than focussing on the affair. Yes we are looking at FOO issues and the lot but more toward making us a healthier couple, not dwelling on dissecting the affair. I'm pretty pragmatic about it and want to move forward but don't know if what I am feeling is ok or if I'm subconsciously just sweeping the issue under the rug.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/25/2013 11:13 AM

Am I rug sweeping? Am I missing something? Should I be asking for more?

I found most of my answers in books, more than from my fww. For me to start moving on I really needed to understand:
1) Why do affairs happen? (the psychology of affairs)
2) What does a successful/happy marriage look like? (addressing pre-a marital problems)
3) How does a marriage go from wedding vows to divorce courts? (understanding and avoiding pitfalls in a mature relationship)

The best approach we found for discussing issues about the affair was to set aside about an hour every Sunday morning. We would then discuss "any" area in the relationship we were uncomfortable with. The rules were basically
1) no topics were off-limits
2) we would limit the time to 1 hour, if the discussion was difficult/emotional. If we were having a pleasant talk about things, there was no time-limit (which is what we do now)
3) Keep the discussion civil and refrain from becoming judgmental, angry, etc.(somewhat similar to the rules that apply to the R forum)

LonelySilhouette posted 8/25/2013 12:05 PM

Our therapist said just yesterday that you never put it behind you, that you always walk beside it. It's part of you now.

sisoon posted 8/25/2013 12:26 PM

... (Y)ou always walk beside it. It's part of you now.

I really understand the desire to get through this quickly - that's where the 'soon' in my ID comes from - but in healing from being betrayed going fast slows you down, going slowly can speed you up. I suggest starting by removing the time pressure - SI's guideline (taken from experience and some writers) is 2-5 years to heal. Promise yourself to stop thinking about time until 5 years from the last hurt (and extend that date if you hit about 4.5 years without 'complete' healing).

I still have residual feelings that I need to process. My W thinks about it every day, and W has feelings to process and changes to make. Our practice about bringing up the A now is to bring it up when one of us thinks there's a positive outcome from doing so.

Another way of looking at this is that the process of healing is the process of putting it behind you - but if you don't work on healing, it'll never get behind you.

If you've let your feelings of grief, anger, and fear flow so far, IMO it's very, very likely that worst is coming soon, or may already have come, and you'll start to feel better - slowly, to be sure, but you're probably close to the end of excruciating feelings all the time.

Hang in. You've been betrayed, but you can recover and thrive - if you accept and process the awful feelings.

krazy8516 posted 8/25/2013 16:55 PM

Roses, I think I understand you completely. I feel like I could have written your post myself.

I'm not sure it's rug sweeping as long as you don't want to talk about it. If you don't have any questions, or anything to say, then there is nothing to talk about. If, when you do have something to add, he'll discuss it with you, you're not rug sweeping. I guess I could be wrong, I'm still very new at all this. But for me, I feel like I know everything about the A I want to know. I don't want to re-hash it daily, and I don't really have anymore questions. But I know if I did, WH would talk to me. The A is still fresh in my mind, and WH knows that. We (I) just bought him a new truck last week, and he even admitted he doesn't deserve it "because he's an asshole." He knows I'm in pain, and we both want to move on, but it's going to take time.

Strength and ::hugs:: to you, Roses.

roses303 posted 8/25/2013 21:27 PM

krazy - thank you - I think that is exactly what I've been dealing with.

In fact today, questions came up. We talked, it was hard but we were able to get things out. Now I'm done for a while. I was starting to feel guilty for wanting to move on because I was worried maybe we were just rugsweeping but I don't think we are. I hope that as long as we are open to talking, we will do it when we need to.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/25/2013 22:01 PM

I agree. I could have written your post myself. I feel like I have asked all the questions I need to, I have all the answers I need. I use to think I wanted details but when I asked and he told me I realized I don't want those details so badly. I haven't asked him any questions for a few weeks and haven't wanted to. However, I know if I do want to talk about it he will.

MC and IC have both went very well for us. He understands why he did what he did, we figured out what our marriage problems were, he finally admitted he has a problem with depression. I honestly do not think he will do it again. He knows that this is the only screw up I will tolerate. If it happens again I am gone and will take everything with me. And I know that seeing how much pain I have been in almost killed him.

I have been worried that we were rugsweeping, but I think as long as they are still willing to talk about it whenever you feel the need to, they are still transparent with everything and YOU feel you are ready to move on then go for it. I have never been one for giving things a specific time. Everyone heals differently and only you know when you feel healed.

Good luck!

2married2quit posted 8/26/2013 09:22 AM

I sometimes worry that we are rugsweeping as well because she wants to move on. I could understand my FWW's wanting to move on because talking about it over and over is like saying "See what you did?" and reminding her every 5 minutes to her shame.

However, for that same token, if you need to talk about it, take time apart just for that. I have found that the more we talk about it, the more gaps in time happen when we don't. Then when it is time again, the feelings start to shift. In the beginning talking about it would throw us on a tail-spin. Now, we can see it clearer and start to understand the feelings involved, the poor choices, what could have been done better, etc, etc.

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