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Roller coaster with double betrayal

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Beautifulmom posted 8/25/2013 11:15 AM

Its been 10 months since I found out my best friend of 14 years had an ea/pa of 3 years with my fwh. I will go 2-3 weeks feeling awesome -exercising good will, love, forgiveness with my fwh, who has really done a lot to help heal our marriage and show he lives me and is truly remorseful. Then I will hit a low, 2-3 weeks of complete hopelessness. It doesn't help that he travels m-f pretty much every week and I uprooted the affair while he was traveling. He lives in hotels pretty much, and the texts i found between them were while he was in a hotel. The visual is very hard. If he goes through stress with work and doesn't give me enough attention for a few days I flip out and decide I'm just leaving with the kids. I should mention I work 50 hour weeks too and have 2 small children, so I know what stress is with work, I'm not being unsympathetic. I just need him to text me, call me, etc to let me know hes thinking of me...just lije he did with HER.
Then, one day the switch flips and everything is ok/great for 2-3 weeks. I hate it because when I'm happy I know the bottom will fall out soon.
Anyone experiencing this, or has this trauma somehow pushed me into some psycho bipolar disorder?
I'm also having a really hard time getting over what my ex BFF did to me with what seems like no remorse. I wish I knew how to make myself believe that I don't care and I'm glad she is gone, but it is extremely painful to understand how she could believe I deserved to lose my husband and how she could have been responsible for my whole world crashing down, how she could have thought my children deserved such a thing.

bionicgal posted 8/25/2013 12:46 PM

Hey Bm -
I'm there with you -- H had a 2 month affair with a close family friend. Not a BFF of mine, but enough to where I am doubly betrayed. I can relate with the kids thing - our kids were very close, and the loss of their presence in my life has been very hard.

My husband also travels, and it is a source of stress. I feel the same when I don't get consistent attention. . . I find that the lows are worse after the good times because I kind of forget, and then it is like getting socked in the stomach. I don't think I get weeks of relief - maybe that happens later?

I don't think you are bi-polar, just processing a terrible hurt. It sounds like with a remorseful husband you are heading in the right direction. I bet if you look back, your good days were further apart.

I would communicate with your H about what you need, and keep the faith. Good luck; sorry we are in such a crappy club.

Jrazz posted 8/25/2013 17:44 PM

I don't think you are bi-polar, just processing a terrible hurt.

I second this. There's example after example here of how manic the rollercoaster makes us. I look back at that first year and I was NUTS.

The good news is that all the little steps you can muster to calm yourself will add up in time. A LOT of time, but you will get there.

I can't speak to the double betrayal, but I've seen so many come through so much and I have hope for you that one day you will have your happy and know that the floor isn't going to cave.


MsRukia posted 8/25/2013 20:09 PM

((Hugs)) I am in the same boat. I have a friend, our kids are friends, she and WH had an affair. I feel like I am not only processing the trauma of the A but also mourning the loss of the relationship I thought I had. It's one step at a time. I don't have much advice as I am in the beginning. But I do understand to some degree.

standinghere posted 8/25/2013 20:37 PM

For anyone, the first few months after such a disclosure is just awful, the first couple of years is a trial.

Double betrayals are awful things.

Nothing that you are experiencing is unusual in such circumstances.

having a really hard time getting over what my ex BFF did to me with what seems like no remorse

This person probably has no clue what she has really done, and doesn't have the emotional wherewithal to even begin to understand. If she did, she would not have done this. You can't expect anything from this person.

my fwh, who has really done a lot to help heal our marriage

This is where you can and should expect more from. If, with all the work stress and other family issues, he could find time to have an affair, then he can find time to reassure you, text you, talk with you, go to counseling with you, etc, etc.

roses303 posted 8/25/2013 21:20 PM

Standingthere - thank you for your post. I've really been struggling with this today. Your thoughts come at a good time for me.

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