Wow, what a day!! Thank you all so much for your wonderfully helpful and supportive replies to my post from yesterday. It really gave me a lot to think about -and H too it seems.
He knew I was posting here yesterday. Turns out he read every word last night when I was in bed.
This morning H told me whatever I decide to do about R the first step is to build my confidence and focus on me for a bit. I explained how hard that is the way I was feeling yesterday and the impact the affairs had on my already low self esteem.
We have talked so much today. He explained that the affairs were about him and not me and certainly not his ow. He said he used her because she made him feel good, he was never physically attracted to her, she could have been anyone. He had already told me he hated the one time they had sex and stopped after about a minute cos it felt wrong but that did not stop me being jealous and insecure. I found it hard to believe and that he was downplaying to make it easier for me to accept.
I asked him yet again why he cheated. He kept saying he was low and they made him feel better about himself but didn't know why he felt he needed that. Well today we had what felt to me like a break through. His explanation does make sense to me. He said he was feeling low about getting older, he had lost all his confidence and was losing control of his work in his new job. I have been ill for so long there was no joy or closeness at home, he was feeling stuck in a rut and there was no fun. Basically he cheated cos he felt life was passing him by and he felt old. This made him vulnerable and selfish. He stated that in no way was it anything to do with me. it was his ego to blame.
Then we started talking about why I feel inferior to his ap's and other women in general and he really helped me to see more clearly. Apart from the nasty stuff when I discovered his affair he has always told me I am beautiful and don't need to bother with things like make up. As a result as I have been depressed and lost my job I have made less and less of an effort with my appearance - totally given up if I am honest. Leggings and baggy t shirts with hair scraped back. It had become a habit and made me feel more unattractive but was so comfortable when I just wanted to curl up in a ball.
He asked what would make me feel better and I said I would like to wear a bit of make up and do my hair but it feels silly when I am home alone all day. But mainly that cos I felt fat I didn't see the point in making an effort. we talked about lots of larger women we know and how they have so much confidence how could we get me the same. I said well maybe if I make an effort with hair etc i might not feel so bad about my weight. He said to go for it if I wanted to he just didn't want me to feel I had to bother for him, but if I wanted to i should do it for me. He says I have always been beautiful to him if I make an effort or not.
Then I said I am sick of my frumpy clothes, nothing fits me. So he said let's have a look at what you have and see what you need. I rarely spend money on myself but have accumulated a wardrobe full of different sizes from over the years.
Well I got a hell of a shock. As I tried things on he was like gok wan lol. 'I like that but why do you wear such baggy things, that's what makes you look bigger, I like to see your bum lol' of course I said to cover up but he said just try the other stuff. Well, I got quite a shock. Half my wardrobe was way to big for me and all my nice old clothes fitted perfectly. I had been ignoring the fact I had lost weight through upset but I guess 20lbs has an effect! I have gone from a 18/20 to a 16/18 and he wants me to 'flaunt my curves cos I am more curvy than overweight' he spent a lot of time telling me what he liked about me and how I looked like his 'rock chick' of old wearing vest tops and jeans.
As I was trying stuff on he actually cried and said it's so nice seeing you wearing clothes you like rather than covering up. It's like having the old you back. He did tell me to keep them for 'low days and scruffy days when I need the comfort'.
I have to say after hitting rock bottom yesterday it was just what I needed. I hope this doesn't sound superficial but it was so nice to feel like me again and to hear what he likes about my body etc.
He also told me I have the nicest personality and he was only attracted to the ow's selfish cocky attitudes cos that made him feel better that bolshy women were paying him attention. He said my personality is real cos it's caring and loving. Theirs was all arrogance with not a caring bone in sight.
I do feel much better today and will re read this post whenever I hit rock bottom again.
