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I can't be my true self with him

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stillstrong posted 8/25/2013 12:20 PM

I watched my X ignore firstwife when she emailed requesting things. He never answered her, but would work on doing what she wanted. Then she'd freak out and after a few hours start sending threats, insults, etc. I always asked him why he didn't just send back a quick, "ok, working on it" or "out of the office next few days, will take care of it Wednesday". <----this after her bombardment of emails nearly ruined a trip we were on.
Now that I am the exwife, I am getting the same treatment. I try not to freak out like firstwife, but it kills me that he treats me like he treats her.(apparently she cheated, that's why he hates her) Anyway....he was supposed to give me his paystubs quarterly. Last week we emailed about other financial stuff and he answered to everything except the paystubs. So every morning when I knew he should be at work, I emailed him a reminder. No response. Finally I was so frustrated I sent an email saying this is my 5th request. Please take care of this. He did. No apology, just finally an answer. (I see why he was reluctant. He got a raise, which I told him in mediation I had no interest in, but because he's a liar he assumes I'm a liar too I guess.) So I didn't send back a thank you. I hope he's wondering if I noticed it, and if I'm going to go after it.
Last night he sends me an email asking me to email him instructions on how to set up automatic payments for DD's tuition bill.(This is after I told him weeks ago that he can't depend on me for this kind of stuff anymore) I hit reply and was halfway through an answer before I realized what I was doing. I'm going to basically tell him the instructions are on the bill but I wonder how long I should wait before I answer.
This got me thinking about how my true nature has allowed me to be vulnerable to his abuse/mistreatment. I looked at him as my best friend, my protector, my shelter in a storm, my safe haven, all that romantic crap. Instead I should have raised my shields!

gma56 posted 8/25/2013 13:50 PM

It comes back to, they can only hurt us if we allow them to.

Is DD a minor or college age ?
I would be more likely to be helpful if she's young but maybe if college age he will react more favorably to her requests.
Ugh ! They do think everyone thinks like them. As liars.

Ashland13 posted 8/25/2013 19:54 PM

This is how Nearly Exh behaves, stillstrong. He is NPD, FWIW, and what I've finally learned-I think-is that it's part of his ego boost if I need something and he can choose when to respond-or not. I suspect it's kind of like a game, even if he has an answer.

I, on the other hand, don't want anyone waiting for me for anything, nor do I want to owe anything, so it makes us very different and part of what some of the problems he made worse were.

There's generally no apology from Nearly Exh, either. You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit. Luckily, I have a lawyer now and I turn to him even if it costs money, but I do wait a period of time in between. I have to get really angry at Nearly Exh to get him to consider budging. Usually it's a threat from an outside creditor that does it, like when things are going to be shut off-it's extreme, so I know what you are dealing with, I think.

It's very frustrating, to say the least, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it to get things that are due you, especially, just, so. Yes, it is that way here-Nearly Exh also has passive aggression, if that's helpful and it gave me some things to read. He would pile up his resentments about me and then when I needed something, he wouldn't do it. I never had a clue of the amount of "upset" he had been at times, because he can't stand conflict and if he showed me he was upset, it might make a problem-there already was a problem!

I wonder if your WH has any of this going on that he's hidden, or some other things?

Sorry for my long post and I hope things get better. Maybe soon, you won't need very much from him anymore.

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