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LimboStill posted 8/25/2013 12:30 PM

Does anyone have experience with this? The kids stay in the home, parents each rent a room/apt, and then rotate into the "nest" during their time with kids. I can see it would be good for the kids to not have to be shuttled around. I'm sort of feeling like after suffering the betrayal and having to give up my young children 1/2 the time, I then would also lose my home. I know what's best for them is most important. Just so hard when I'm so desperately in need of something that is good for me. Please share your thoughts, 2 x 4s, etc.

[This message edited by LimboStill at 1:17 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

newlysingle posted 8/25/2013 13:05 PM

I've heard of this, but don't know anyone who's actually done it. My issue with it would be that I wouldn't want my Ex in my things. I like having my personal space and knowing that I can keep my personal things where I want them. I don't want him digging through my things while I'm gone. I think keeping separate homes is best.

mixedintherut posted 8/25/2013 13:06 PM

Honestly, I think this could work for people who really want it to. However, I think it would work for a limited time. What happens when one of you get in a serious relationship? Are you going to go a week without seeing that person, or is that person not allowed to come to the house? Or would you be okay with that person coming into the home? That may be a long ways off. Even still, what about your privacy? Do you trust that your ex would stay our of your and not go through your belongings? Personally, I think it would be harder for me to move on!

SBB posted 8/25/2013 13:25 PM

For me the cost is too high - both financial and emotional.

He WILL bring OW into the house. I couldn't stand that.

How long would you be able to do it for? Could you honestly see yourself renting a room on your 'off' time. You would be permanently off-kilter. Like you were banished from your own home during 'his' time.

You will have far too much to do with him. Laundry, groceries, cleaning, bills etc. It will be like living with the ghost of your dead husband.

You will be stuck in limbo hell. The only thing worse than what you describe would be in-house separation and that is only marginally worse.

You're trying to delay the inevitable. You're trying to gain some control of this out of control situation. You're trying to protect your kids and not put them through too much change. I get it. Your intentions are good but the cost is too great and I don't the perceived benefit to them is worth the huge personal toll it will take on you.

We sold the marital home and I moved into an rented apartment. It is all mine and the girls and I have been very happy here. They were excited about their new home and I didn't have to live with horrible triggers. I cannot tell you how amazing it has been having my little sanctuary.

Your kids don't want/need the house. They need their mum to be OK. IMHO there is little to no chance of this arrangement equalling you being OK.

50/50 killed me in the beginning too. It has been a year now and I can say the only upside of 50/50 was that in the early days I could be a hot mess on the floor on the days I didn't have them. It also means I get some 'me' time. Far more than I want or need but still, I do have it.

Nowadays I use that time to get all of the housework done so its 100% mummy time when they are home. I spend more quality time with them now than I ever did during the M. I am happier, more relaxed, patient and giving. Mostly because I am no longer in that vice of a relationship.

I still feel like the other 50% is stolen from me for him to squander by not having quality time with them but there is nothing I can do about it except make the best of the precious time I do have.

I cried a river when I closed the door on that house for the last time. It was one of the hardest times of my life but it also set me free. I don't miss the house - I also no longer miss the hopes and dreams I held in that house.

I now have new hopes, new dreams and they are attainable.

Your kids will be OK if you are OK.

((LimboStill))

Abbondad posted 8/25/2013 13:30 PM

Hi,

My friend is doing this with her STBXH. They have two little ones. She stays at her dad's while he is at home with them and vice versa.

It is hell. Incredibly stressful. Like an eternal limbo. Lots of animosity. Lots of paranoia about what he is doing at the house while she is not there. They have padlocked each others' rooms. Just an awful arrangement. . It's really out of financial considerations and hopefully it will end within a year.

My STBXWW suggested this some time ago. Absolutely not. And I think it is terrible for the children. If there is a way to avoid it, do. JMO.

Best of luck

MovingUpward posted 8/25/2013 13:43 PM

During the D process, X and I did a Bird's Nest custody arrangement. It was very very tough.

It could work but you need things laid out like.

Who keeps up the house and yard?
Who pays for repairs?
Who pays for utilities?
Who owns the house?
Who gets the tax credits?
Can SO's visit?
If someone gets remarried can their spouse co-habitate (I think this would become tougher in maintaining the house as their will be a 3rd adult's opinions and actions to deal with)
How do you deal with groceries?
How about home improvements? Could one make changes without the other's consent. Never fun to come home and things are repainted or rearranged.

My X was never much into chores so I quickly found that I was keeping things clean for me, the kids and her but with only a limited time every week to get it all done. It cut into quality time with the kids.

You'd probably want separate bedrooms at the house too.

Luckily for me this only lasted 18 months while trying to finalize the D.

Financially this is probably worse because of the need to pay for a house and 2 apartments.

Nature_Girl posted 8/25/2013 14:50 PM

I think it sounds like utter hell.

LadyQ posted 8/25/2013 15:03 PM

I don't think I could do it. I like my personal space and get rattled when someone invades it.

And the thought of cleaning up after him is absolutely repulsive to me.

tryingagain74 posted 8/25/2013 15:22 PM

Our mediation attorney suggested this to us (probably because we appeared so affable with each other when we were with her). I was relieved when XWH and I were of the same mind and immediately dismissed it as a possibility. XWH is now married to the OW-- I would be furious if I knew I was sharing my house with her, and leaving the house I was living in when the A started up was very helpful in my healing. You might be able to do this if you owned a two-family home, and each parent lived in one of the apartments within the same house. Otherwise, I think it would be incredibly difficult.

ruinedandbroken posted 8/25/2013 15:24 PM

Oh boy, I could NEVER do that. I know someone who did it temporarily and it was pure hell for her. On the other hand, I know someone else who does it and it works well for them. They have six kids and one of them has severe special needs so it is easier for them to keep the kids in the house. But they are friends. There was no infidelity and there are no bad feelings between them. So IDK?

Ashland13 posted 8/25/2013 15:37 PM

It wouldn't work here very well, but I wish you luck if you try. I offered something like that, including a "mancave", very early on, prior even to knowing of OW.

When he was at home during false R, it was so intense that I got so I couldn't stand my own skin-the discomfort level he made for fear of repeats just about knocked my block off.

I get what you mean about working to not lose your home, though...we are and I don't know how we're going to get through. What's sad is how little he seems to care.

I hope it works.

million pieces posted 8/25/2013 16:17 PM

We did this for the first few months after ex moved out. He didn't really sleep there, just really has a lot of custody there. The kids were young and I do think it was the best those first few weeks but it was HELL on me.