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Ex party weekend, rant, and questions

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Running the Race posted 8/25/2013 12:35 PM

So my XEW had a girls weekend out. She went to palm springs with her friends. So one of her friends was a Facebook friend of mine (mutual friend of exw and mine), well she ended up blocking me. I set up securities so she couldn't see my page, anyway, she ends up blocking me so I can't see her or anything. I believe this is so they can hide the fact that they are going out this weekend. To be honest, I got some hints from my exw behavior and something my oldest son said.
I want to be honest, it was a low moment, but I did look up the friend to verify, that's when I saw she dropped me (probably did me a favor given my current mental state).
But back to this weekend, it was difficult. My head had images of my exw being encouraged to flirt/dance and possibly "hook up" with a guy. Now all the women she went with are married, not that that would matter (given my experience).

My topic or question is, are we are worst enemies? Is this really all in my head? I mean, My exw is attractive, claims to be really trying to be a good Christian (she is in a women's bible study and wants to go on a getaway on one of her weekends for the kids), so is she likely to have "hookup"ed? Do women jut go to clubs with their friends to jut hang out?
Or do I paint the worse image in order to try and get over it. The truth is, she could not possibly have as much fun and sex as I paint in my head, it would be impossible.

Just an update:
Trying to not concern myself with her, trying to learn how to.
I'm in IC almost every week.
I journal, sometimes post....
I stay active, running group ever Thursday night, swim club in the morning, hockey on Wednesday night,
I joined a new church, met a few people in it.
I see my kids ever day, I am taking a week off this week to go water skiing with them this next week, I'm sure I'll think of their mom.


[This message edited by Running the Race at 12:37 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

mixedintherut posted 8/25/2013 13:01 PM

In the beginning, especially when it's not exactly what you wanted, it is hard not to think about all of the "what ifs" and possibilities. It will eventually get easier. Staying busy is for sure the right way to do it. IC is also great!

Having fun and making new memories with your children, will get you a long way! Just take it one day at a time!

SBB posted 8/25/2013 13:48 PM

NC = No New Hurts.

No looking her up.
No snooping.
No info about her from anyone.
Work on bypassing the obsessive thinking.
No contact except kids/finances. I'd suggest those be via text/email and you try to avoid seeing her in any way you can.

I have all handovers via daycare/school so I only have to see him a handful of times a year.

You cannot possibly heal without detachment.

Obsessive thinking is very common. I used a mental "STOP" sign in my head but some use rubber bands around their wrist which they snap to snap themselves out of it. It takes time and practice.

We all do it. All of it is very normal. Not good but normal.

You will need to work at detaching. For me it happened when I had enough hurts - when I had hurt myself enough. When that last little bit of hope died. It took a few months and it was incredibly painful.

I don't think we do it to hurt ourselves - I think we're paralysed by hope and fear.

You are being tortured by mind-movies - it is a hideous hideous place to be. Staying attached like this keeps you in limbo - limbo means the mind movies keep torturing you and they get more and more elaborate/outrageous.

You need to stop thinking about what she is doing and with whom. It is irrelevant. She is irrelevant.

Focus on YOU and your kids. Your life. Your present. Your future.

Re-read your post and have a look at how focussed you are on her.

All of this energy in her direction is just wasted energy and it will make you crazy.

I was still looking for a glimpse of the man I married long after I realised I no longer wanted him. I never did get that glimpse and I no longer expect to.

It is up to you how painful this needs to get. Acceptance and surrender were agonising but absolutely essential for me. They will be for you too. Work your way towards that. It starts with NC, little by little it gets easier to resist contact, little by little you start detaching.

If you are seeing her everyday you need to change this. There has to be a way for you to see your children without seeing her. Find it and put it in place.

She is gone my friend. You need to grieve this. Right now you are holding onto her ghost and it is only causing you harm.

((Running the Race)) Please know you're not alone. We've all walked or are walking this path with you. It gets easier but you do have to work hard for it.

Running the Race posted 8/25/2013 15:15 PM

I understand that I'm focusing on her too much, I really do. I have been trying the Rubberband stop technique, but not always with success.
One question I have is, how do you grieve the loss of the relationship, but not obsess over the ex- spouse? When I grieve, I think of her...but I feel like I should think of her in order to move on, is that right?

SBB posted 8/25/2013 15:52 PM

I am grieving the man I thought I married. That man is dead.

The guy I have to deal with these days? I have no love for him. I don't even hate him anymore. He is merely an irritation.

You stop yourself from thinking about what she is doing by the rubber band thing or daydreaming about your future, some goal you'd like to achieve or what your kids will be like when they are grown - whatever, just anything but obsessive thinking..

When you're missing her you remember the cruelest things she said to you and her cold eyes as she said it. I also remember the moods he was always in that I now know where A-stress related.

Daydreaming my future was a big one for me. I literally imagined my life without him in it. Holidays (you call them vacations), birthdays, milestones. I visualised myself doing those things without him - without his constant criticism and him making everything so bloody hard and such a drama.

All of those things that irritated you - rejoice that you never have to deal with them again (yay! no more cricket for me!).

You don't fantasise about her waking up and begging for R.

You don't fantasise about what you could have done to stop her from having an A (absolutely nothing).

You don't read emails, sms's or look at old photos. You put all that away in case you need it in court one day.

Find your anger. Soon you won't care who or what she is doing because she will disgust you. In the early days I was tortured by the mind movies. They stopped virtually overnight when I realised he disgusts me.

How NC are you? Do you see her when you see the kids? Do you chit/chat? All of this keeps you attached. Many say 'its for the kids' but really its not - the kids don't need their dad torn up and stuck in limbo hell.

I collected quotes and articles that resonated with me and saved them to a password protected word doc and I would read and re-read them,.

You are breaking a bad habit - it takes time and practice. Most of us fall of the wagon several times before it kicks in.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 3:57 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Ashland13 posted 8/25/2013 15:55 PM

Don't know if it will help any, but I grieve the life that I had with Nearly Exh that is gone now. I grieve the future and for my child(ren), who's life is a large, black hole.

There are so many things to grieve. Loss of the person is a big one, but the person caused so much trauma to me that who I grieve is who they once were...however, I no longer search or look him up and in fact, I cut off all connections but two that I keep for DD.

When I was continuing to look him up, it was adding to the pain I had and prolonging my recovery, but I didn't know it. I was in a process that I had to go through and no one could tell me...I had to learn it for myself.

Sometimes I still grieve the actual person, but it's from a memory or trigger now, rather than current times. He killed everything, including the trust, as you had happen, RtR.

We don't just lose a person, we lose a way of life that we knew, complete with holidays, sometimes kids, relatives and all that goes along with those responsibilities. We have choices to make each and every day following Dday and they are not easy. In my slow way, I am choosing success and a future for my children and I hope the same for you.

One way to let her go would be as suggested and stop looking and stop being connected like on FB and other places. It took a few weeks for me to wean myself off of it, but now I am at peace without that connection. And, OW cannot see me anymore.

It's not easy but is a real show of accomplishment, later on, when and if you can do it. At long last, I don't even want to know what he does every day or what he does on weekends he doesn't have DD-I just don't want to know.

7yrsflushed posted 8/25/2013 16:34 PM

My topic or question is, are we are worst enemies?
Yep, we are most of the time. I struggled with this until I fully detached. It helped that I kept telling myself over and over in my head, why does it matter if STBXWW starts dating, sleeping, or going out with someone else...she was already fucking her coworker and others behind my back for YEARS. What am I holding on to? She already gave it away. I pretty quickly got over it because when you think about it why are we jealous, why do we care anymore? They already did the thing we were worried the most about whether that be sex, EA's, falling in love, etc.

I unfriended STBX on facebook and blocked her. I don't tell her my business and don't ask about hers. Strictly kids and finances. It takes time but the sooner you detach mentally the better.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 4:35 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

Running the Race posted 8/25/2013 16:39 PM

To answer some of the questions, I do see her occasionally, when she picks up the kids or I drop them off. Last time she talked to me briefly, I am usually the one turning and walking away. I try hard to keep to NC, but it is difficult. I am in the process of looking for a Rubberband right now

I guess the thing is that I do grieve what I thought I had ( who she was) and what our life was going to be ( our future). A lot of that grieving quickly turns to obsessive thinking and trying to guess what she is doing.

dmari posted 8/25/2013 18:07 PM

I guess the thing is that I do grieve what I thought I had ( who she was) and what our life was going to be ( our future). A lot of that grieving quickly turns to obsessive thinking and trying to guess what she is doing.

My advice would be as soon as your recognize the obsessive thinking (as soon as you snap that rubber band) ~ turn the thinking around to you. Instead of "I wonder what she is doing?", to "What am I doing?" Instead of filling your mind with what she is doing on the weekend, what are YOUR plans for the weekend?

I recently started watching Rick Warren's sermons on "Getting Through What You Are Going Through". It has been very helpful during this time of grieving. He tells us to accept what cannot be changed and ask yourself "What do I need to accept that is over in my life?" Then remind yourself often that this is not the end of YOUR story. Take care of yourself and do something productive. Grieve and live simultaneously.

I applaud you for recognizing that your thoughts are unhealthy. It will take time and effort for that to change but it is soooo worth it. To let go of the obsessive thoughts and actions is freeing. Take care.

SBB posted 8/25/2013 22:19 PM

I guess the thing is that I do grieve what I thought I had ( who she was) and what our life was going to be ( our future). A lot of that grieving quickly turns to obsessive thinking and trying to guess what she is doing.

I felt exactly the same way. Looking for meaning in everything he did. He cured me of the horrid "what ifs" with his downright cruel behaviour in S.

There is no venom in True Remorse - whether in R or S/D.

((RTR)) you are going to be OK. It won't always hurt this bad. Your post made me wince just remembering that dark, dark time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone - not even the sad clown.

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