I think that it is possible for WSs to truly be in love. But the reality is that they are not in reality, so often it does not hold up to the light of day. I think that is what the unicorns, fog, etc are about. Statistically, I have heard, only about 10% of marriages from affairs make it.
I just had this exact conversation with my WS today...we talked a lot today and a lot of interesting things came up.
He keeps saying "she really did care for me"...ok, maybe she did. Her caring or not caring doesn't make you a worthy or unworthy person. Maybe you cared for her too.
But here's my opinion on all of this crap...
No matter who you are, or how your relationship starts, all "love" really starts out as need.
We meet someone, we need something and they provide it. If you end up marrying and providing that for each other that develops into long term commitment and affection, marriage etc. The main ingredient being commitment-because it takes that to continue loving someone in daily life.
The first stages of an affair ARE fantasy land. Anyone falling in "love" is in fantasy land...affair or no affair.
The difference with the affair is that it stays in this bubble for so long that it cannot become a "real" relationship. It's always on edge, always exciting, always something that fulfills that "need" that the WS has inside them.
This is why marriages of affairs don't last. I read that 10% of people marry their affairs and 10% of them remain married. That's 1/100- which is substantially LOWER than the divorce rate of 50/100.
Just think about that for a minute.
They may have "cared" for each other, they may have even "loved" each other, but WE ALL KNOW that marriage isn't just love.
Which is why we are so unbearably hurt. We have not only invested LOVE-which is pretty big, but YEARS, money, energy, effort, and most importantly we sacrificed being with someone else, doing something else to be with the person who couldn't do the same.
I had to explain to my WS today that even though his AP may have loved him and cared for him, that he was simply FULFILLING A NEED that she had, as she was fulfilling a need he had.
The same way that he and I "fell in love"...but when we did we stuck with it, we married, had children, created a life and shared our daily stress and joys.
Affairs don't have any of that-they ARE bubbles. They are needs only love, not life sharing love.
The question is, as "dismissed" spouses, do we want to gather up all the things they threw away and put it all back in their hands.
We can only decide that one at a time.
I have not decided yet.