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State of shock and disbelief

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twig1down posted 8/25/2013 14:51 PM

I realize the below is long, but felt good to get it all out.

My WS was my first and only love. We met while I was still in HS and he in College. 3 years into our dating relationship, he broke up with me and started seeing his first ex wife. He joined the military, they married and less than a year later were divorced and he came back for me. I thought we were meant to be. Fast forward and we're married in Jan 2002. He leaves for DC in Nov 2002 and I choose not to go as I am pregnant with our first/only child. I am not ready to be in a new place all by myself (his job requires traveling have of the year) so I stay behind with family. He now claims this is when our problems started.
in 2006, he admitted an affair with me because there was a possibility of a conceieved child and he said he felt the world was closing in on him. We work through it, he gives me access to everything and I think we're ok. But looking back, he never really took ownership for what he did. He blamed me for witholding intamacy from him for why he cheated. I thought things were going ok, not great, but not bad. Nov 2011, he gets stationed for 3 years in another state again. Knowing what how he felt about DC, we sit and talk about this time. He says he doesn't want to disrupt our daughter's life for a temp assignment and we agree I stay back. Jan 2013 we go on vacation together and he gets me a new wedding ring and writes such a beautiful message in a card for me. I think all is well but I am missing him so much. I know I haven't always been the best wife to him and put my family sometimes before him, but I truly love this mad and decide I want to follow him no matter what.
March 2013 he comes home and tells me he wants out. That he doesn't love me like he should and that he doesn't think he ever did. He claims there is no one else and that he just realized being by himself that we just don't work.
I spend the next few months trying to convince him he's my priority and that we deserve another chance. August 19, 2013, the day before we are supposed to go on vacation with our friends, he tells me that he's met the love of his life. He's known her for a year but realized he was in love with her in January. And when he came home in March, he told her he left me, she felt the same way about him and he wants to be with her. He said he didn't tell me about her because after we are all said and done, he wanted everyone to accept her. She knows he's married and pays for the phone he hides on to call her. He spent the whole vacation running off to talk to her, telling me how much he missed her and how hard this was on her. Our daughter heard him tell me about her and is heartbroken. I've noticed since March, our daughter hasn't been his focus and I called him out that I believe he's too concerned with this new woman to see that.
Anyways, the gist is that he wants out so he can go be with her. He's started talking about the financial and logistics of divorce.
I begged and pleaded with him to give us another opportunity. I feel like such a loser sometimes and my ego is so bruised. But even now, I still want him to wake up and come back.
There are a lot of holes in his story with this new woman and I am worried she's using him. But he won't listen. He also admitted that he's cheated on me our entire relationship.
Has anyone else been through similar and come out the otherside with their WS? Am I a fool for wanting this man back? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I cry constantly. My daughter sees her mother falling apart. My family says I need to go start the divorce before he does, but that isn't what my heart wants. But my brain is telling me I'm an idiot and he's never coming back.

Take2 posted 8/25/2013 15:01 PM

He also admitted that he's cheated on me our entire relationship.

^^Before you wrote it I was thinking how to tell you that this was probably the case.

The problem isn't you, never has been, and it has nothing to do with whether he ever loved you. The problem is what love means to him, his definition of love.

It took me 30 years to learn I'd married a chronic cheater, someone who will always pursue the "intense" sensation of new "love". We are D, so no we didn't make it, but I wanted to let you know you are heard, (weekends can be a bit slow here).

Try to eat (anything) drink ensure if you can't. Stay hydrated. Try to focus on you and your DD.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Read in the Healing Library (lots of good information). Post, and hang in there, you aren't alone!

forworseorworse posted 8/25/2013 15:04 PM

This is so similar to my situation except the lenght of our marriage and the affair. I have found out about mine on the 19 of August also. I also feel so much desperation and shame at the same time for wanting nothing more than to have my husband back. He also blames my withholding sex for cheating. I withheld sex for a few reasons not because I didn't actually want to. I hope we both figure it out soon

Skan posted 8/25/2013 17:26 PM

I'm so sorry that you're here. I'm glad that you found us for support, but I am SO sorry that you had the reason to come find us.

Please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There is a lot of good information for you in there. Also, any post in this forum that has a bulls eye next to it is also a good source of information.

Unfortunately, you cannot beg, love, nor bribe an unrepentant WH back. You, and your daughter, mean nothing to him right now because he is in lala land where everything is brighter and the Love-o-His-Life is waiting, scratching her hairy armpits, for them to mount their rainbow-colored unicorns to ride off into the Technicolor sunset. Yes, he's that far out of reality.

You need to draw yourself up, summon every bit of mother-bear strength you have, and protection your child and yourself from his fantasy land. Because right now, he will spend all of the money on her, he will not make any payments for your family so that he can take her out to expensive vacations, he will take from you and give to her until you have nothing left. Bitter truth, but truth nonetheless. You need to protect yourself and your daughter from the alien that is wearing the skin of someone you once thought that you knew.

Monday morning, call a doctor and schedule a STD/HIV panel of tests. Call a lawyer and find out what you and your daughter's rights are. And file for child care and spousal support. Open a bank account that he is not on and transfer 1/2 of the money into it. Cancel every card that you own jointly so that he cannot run up the bill and leave you stuck paying it off. I know that this all seems so very, very extreme. But unfortunately, he has announced to you that he is at war with you. That he has fired you from the job of being his spouse. So you need to make sure that you and your daughter are taken care of.

I'm so very, very sorry. It's not fair, but it is reality, and you have to deal with it as such. (((hugs)))

twig1down posted 8/25/2013 19:13 PM

So far she has paid for everything. His check still comes to our mutual account. Since he is military, he can't really pull it away from me. I know he pulls out more cash then he used to, but not an extreme amount. I believe deep down he is a good man who loves his daughter. He's just not thinking clearly.
Sitting here crying my eyes out because he hasn't called or texted at all today. Not that I expected him too. He just got back from his vacation with us to her and I am sure they have catching up to do.
I pray every night to either stop loving and wanting him or that he'll come to his senses.. neither has been answered yet.

Thefly559 posted 8/25/2013 20:32 PM

So sorry for you! All the stories are extremely similar as you will see if you read through. Listen to all the great advice others have, choose what works for you. I too were in your situation ,curled up in a ball for days as she lived her life and partied with her new man! I didn't eat for 5 days straight ! No food or drink at all , I could not function , work , go out , barely breathe , so believe me I know the pain you are in. It seems like it will never end and you want nothing more than to get your spouse to wake up ! But as I had to realize that I couldn't control her actions or desires , you also cannot control his . You probably heard this before and it is much easier said than done but you need to focus on you and your child . You need to protect yourself and try not to show the weakness to him at all. This is easy for me to say now because I am deep into my anger phase ,but I was a pleaser and I begged on the floor on my hands and knees for her not to divorce me and to give us another chance ( that was before I caught her in hotel) it was the most degrading thing I have ever done as a man and as I write this I feel an amazing anxiety. But no where near where it was one month or three months ago. So it hasn't gone away ( don't think it ever will for me) but it is much less intense and less frequent . If I can recommend a book " not just friends " by Shirley Glass, it helped me greatly to understand and come to the realization that although I was not perfect , I did not cause the affair , no matter how much my stbxw made me feel I was. So keep that in mind at all times ! You are not to blame for his affair. At all ! I wish you all the best on your journey and know that you are not alone.

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