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Advice on shared friends

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PhantomLimb posted 8/25/2013 15:22 PM

By and large my WS/STBX has cut himself off from mutual friends and my family since DDay#2 (when I found out he had taken the A underground). We have been in a mutual state of NC since. I cut him off from all social media ties in July.

Yesterday a mutual friend posted to FB that her kid's bday was tomorrow and she asked that we all post something to her wall to make the day special for her. WS did. It's the first time in over a month anyone has heard from him.

This mutual friend (the mother of the kid) knows what he did and has called him an a*hole frequently, even in professional settings. But WS is a colleague and, as I've said to all of my friends in the field, it is up to them what they want to do as it concerns him. He has a high level administration job and it may not make great professional sense to cut him off for my sake.

Some of them have asked if I want them to delete him from FB. I told them it's entirely up to them and, in fact, it might help if they stayed "friends" with him to make sure he doesn't try to control the narrative about our S/D publicly. For those who talk to him or see him because of work more regularly, the rule is that I don't want to know anything about him and we can still be friends.

So, in the grand scheme, the bday thing today wasn't a big deal. Helping out a little kid publicly is right in his wheelhouse of fakery. And I generally know where my friendships with everyone stand.

But this is throwing me for a little bit of a loop. First of all, I hate that I even saw his stupid profile photo somewhere and he opened his mouth. I'm so not ready to be exposed to his crap on any level. Second, it does remind me that I'm going to have to deal with this fool for the rest of my life. There is really only one major professional organization in our field, we're both in it and, unless one of us changes careers, I will see him every year and our paths will cross occasionally in other capacities as well.

How did you deal with shared friends? How do I get myself past being thrown by stuff like this? I feel like NC has given me space to help heal, but it has also protected me, maybe artificially, from stuff like this.

womaninflux posted 8/25/2013 15:54 PM

I think it's always best to be honest without telling everyone how you REALLY feel. I wish I could abide by this more myself!

And in general, I have always highly regarded people who take the high road with crappy neighbors, friends who do something bad, etc. You don't have to be BFFs with them, you just have to be civil and not trash talk.

ladies_first posted 8/26/2013 08:43 AM

Generally: People living on "his" coast can be his friends; people living near to you on "your coast" are your friends.

In reality: Look at their ACTIONS.

A FB click does NOT a friend make.

Amazonia posted 8/26/2013 08:54 AM

I found I couldn't stay friends with people who kept interacting with him, with the except of my BFF who had the great displeasure of working with him. A few of our other long term mutual friends just made too many excuses and were too much 'this isn't about you, it's just who he is' for me to keep in touch with them.

Side note: if you block him on FB, you won't see his posts on other people's pages anymore. And he won't see yours.

PhantomLimb posted 8/26/2013 14:22 PM

Thanks for the tip on blocking-- I might just do that.

I have one friend who works for him, but she is leaving the job. That is the only friendship right now that is terribly awkward.

I wish that I weren't so affected by stuff like this. I really fly off the handle, even though we're in NC.

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