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7 Months: Trying to Move On

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Brokenheart777 posted 8/25/2013 16:20 PM

It's been over 7 months since D Day. Been legit NC (aka, no FB, no text, no calls, Nothing) with WXGF for over 1 1/2 months now aside from a week ago where I sent a short text while very depressed expressing I was still dealing with frequent depression and anxiety. I don't spend as much time here because sometimes I feel it puts me back a step or two. But I don't want to run from what happened. Trying to accept and move on but I am struggling.

What have other BS/BBF/BGF done with the thought that such a good relationship was destroyed? That their former partner is broken and wondering if they will ever truly face themselves. Every day I want to contact WGF and tell her how shitty she has made my life. How I now struggle to be happy every day because of her; that was NEVER and issue with me. I was always happy. She still lives just down the road from me but we never run in to each other. Almost had a run in 2 weeks ago at a local bar but she left right before I got there as she heard I was on my way over. She runs from her problems. She isn't vindictive or doing shitty things to hurt me more. But I still can't seem to find acceptance of any of this. I can't accept that she's a broken person who will never change. I can't accept that she is still racked with guilt, can't face herself yet and may change, and I can't move on. Just looking for wisdom from this great place. I'm tired of struggling. I probably need to stop thinking about how "long" it's been and how far along I should be but some of my closest friends have stated "you shouldn't still be feeling like this". Although I know they don't dictate how far along I should or shouldn't be, it still bothers me to hear it.

Iamacrab posted 8/25/2013 16:36 PM

I'm sorry that have no wisdom for you, but I hear you. I'm feeling the same today. You're not alone.

Brokenheart777 posted 8/25/2013 16:45 PM

Thanks, I guess I miss that about this place. That so many identify directly with the struggle. Perhaps I shouldn't be so reluctant to post and read here as I have been over the past couple of months.

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/25/2013 16:54 PM

If it helps at all, I know exactly how you feel. I am struggling also, and this weekend has been a bad one as far as missing him. I am NC also, unfortunately he broke it and I had to start again.

NC is definitely the best option to help you move on, but it isn't easy. The further you get into it, you will start to feel better, I'm trying to convince myself of this also. But I know it does work because I have been through it in the past. That time took me about 4 months of NC to start to feel a little better.

There is no saying that you shouldn't still feel like this. How you feel is completely normal and everyone heals differently, it just takes time, varied amounts for different people.

Just know that it will get better with time. Let yourself feel the emotions and work through them as they come.

simplydevastated posted 8/25/2013 21:16 PM

I struggle with this and I'm still married to him. I compare what everything was like before and after and I can't believe the difference. I wonder if he changed or if this is how he was all the time and he just did a great job hiding it. It's hard. I know nothing will ever be good again. A lot of people have told me I need to forget about him because he has forgotten about and I need to take care of myself.

So that's going to be my advice to you. Take care of yourself. Do things that you've always wanted to do. Whenever you get that urge to contact her find something else to do, call a friend, or come here and post.

Keep posting, it helps.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))

Brokenheart777 posted 8/26/2013 01:51 AM

Thanks for the replys. I truly hope the best for everyone who puts time and effort to help others on this site.

I have been doing pretty much everything I can for myself. Being very selfish. Purchased a motorcycle as I've always wanted one but never bought one because WXGF worried as we've had friends killed in bike accidents. It was out of respect that I never owned one, now I do and I'm very pleased with it. It's frustrating when no matter how selfish you are in efforts to give yourself happiness and you still end up feeling horrible.

I plan to continue NC for as long as is needed. Although I feel I would enjoy her having to see me. To be reminded of the good person she broke. And to see how great a shape I am in now. I've been channeling my pain in to seriously strenuous crossfit training and it has been awesome for me. At times it's all I want to do. So again, I am doing all that I can to focus on me. That being said, the thoughts of her and the events that took place are persistent and painful. Wish there was some solid/specific way to cope with these feelings.

simplydevastated posted 8/26/2013 06:32 AM

You're 7 months out from D-day, unfortunately it will take time to put your emotions back on the proper track. At 7 months out I was crying multiple times a day every day. I was also begging him to tell me everything he did. I was a pathetic mess.

I know no one wants to hear that it takes time, but it does. You're taking the right steps with working and focusing on yourself. I'm not sure, but are you also in IC? That might help, too.

Also, if she sees you she's not going to see the damage that she's done. That would take her acknowledging what she did was wrong and if she can't do that, she'll never see any of the damage. My husband still can't. He just walks passed me when I'm crying in ball at the foot of my bed.

Congratulations on your new motorcycle. Stay safe and wear your helmet. What kind is it?

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 6:32 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Brokenheart777 posted 8/26/2013 20:46 PM

Thanks SD, I'm sorry that you have someone who doesn't seem to be able to put forth the effort to mend the severe damage that infidelity causes. I can't think of a single person I'd wish this struggle on. It's so arduous. I guess I'm doing pretty good overall. I still have days where it hits me really hard and I spend a good half an hour as a sobbing mess. I'm working through it but always stunned by the struggle. Working out has become somewhat of an addiction. I try to do other things on certain days and the burn or anxiety and pain overcomes me and I need to break myself with a crossfit workout to overcome it. It's a positive outcome to a crappy feeling, I guess.

I know no one wants to hear that it takes time, but it does. You're taking the right steps with working and focusing on yourself. I'm not sure, but are you also in IC? That might help, too.

I was in IC for about 3-4 months. It was helpful but I got to the point where I felt I wasn't accomplishing much through it anymore. I knew the lessons and path I needed to take it was all about actually doing it. I'm staying on that path despite wanting to vent constantly. I'm just looking for a non-existent shortcut to acceptance. As if me telling her how bad she messed me up and hearing her say the same old worthless stuff would solidify my opinion of her; probably not the case.

BTW, the bike is a 2007 Triumph Daytona 675 and I ALWAYS were my helmet.'

simplydevastated posted 8/26/2013 21:08 PM

You're welcome, I hope I've been some help.

Thank you. He's the type of person that thinks once it's out in the open it can all just go away. He once told me that he's not doing anything so I just have to trust him. That coming from a man who signed into his dating sites last week.

You're going to have those days and it sounds like you're doing some good things to take care of yourself. Let yourself feel all of your emotions related to this. That's how you'll work through them, then you'll find yourself having less and less down/bad days and more positive days.

You're a strong person, you'll get through this. You have a lot of shoulders right here waiting for you when you need them.

That's okay, IC is different for everyone. Some people go for a long time, other people don't. You went and got what you needed out of it. That's good. Don't try to look for short cuts. Sometimes you have to take the long road and sit through those seemingly endless red lights. Don't put any kind of stock in her, that is a crash and burn scenario right there. I'm trying to get in the mindset of looking and feeling fabulous so he can see he didn't break me. Some days I'm good at it, others, not so much. Maybe you could try that, don't worry about her seeing a broken you, just go around and be a fabulous you. Then she might see what she's missing out on and what you can offer to someone who deserves you.

That is a cool bike! Glad to hear you always have your helmet on.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 9:13 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Brokenheart777 posted 8/27/2013 01:07 AM

Solid stuff, SD. Thank you. Especially the "endless red lights" part. I chuckled nervously at it.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 8/27/2013 07:56 AM

Hi, Broken,

In my experience, it's been 2 1/2yrs. since Dday, I am older and was engaged to xwf for 7 1/2 yrs. at Dday. It had been anywhere from 1-3 yrs. of LTA to God knows what else at time of Dday. We lived together most of the time and were virtually married. Definite double life type shock. Lots and lots of triggers.

It took several months to get over my worst physical and emotional pain, then a little less, then each of my parents passed separately over 6 months the following year. Lots involved with that, and that was almost overtaken with my still grieving the PTSD of xwf's sudden announcement and abandonment.

So when you see people here comparing the stressors, you'll see why you're having a rough time. Some say infidelity is as bad as or worse than...(insert here).

I also just last week had something else add to all this and my nerves are shot.

I remember thinking and wondering if the 2-5 yrs. healing time be true if I wasn't married. Well guess what. It's true. I think it would be harder for me if xwf and I were still together. That's me though and I might feel different if we had reconciled.

Now what I do want to say here though is that you must remember that you will not get ANY empathy or understanding from your xwgf. Don't fool yourself. Everytime you tell her you're still "dealing with frequent depression and anxiety" she doesn't empathize at all. She's broken and blanks this out. Nada. Nothing there. It will just frustrate you and leave you hurting again each and everytime you either think about contacting her or actually do it.

In my early days I too felt the compulsion to call xwf. Everyone here was right--do not call. NC means no more hurts/pain. And the best you can do is walk away from this unfeeling uncaring person and what you thought she was, and spend ALL that energy on getting back to your own happy and healthy. Show her and all the other cheaters out there that they're nobody. They are very broken. You simply must take care of yourself.

I have been the recipient of disrespect again last week, that once again made me feel like I've got the scarlet letter on my forehead--cheated on, so treat me like I don't know shit and walk all over me. I had days of sleep loss, anxiety, and then palpitations. Could not get out of ths mode. Am I the only one who really cares?? I finally addressed it the best way to let go. That's it--boundaries are up. These people are THEM. I would not behave like this and will protect myself whatever it takes from this type of hurt, pain, angst.

Get your angry up. You deserve the best life has to offer. Let these others go. It's your life.

You're young. Alot of living to do. Am not trying to minimize your pain. I still feel mine in all kinds of ways. I care. Xwgf and xwf don't.

Hugs today broken.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:01 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Brokenheart777 posted 8/27/2013 08:43 AM

Thank you, Thinking. I appreciate the wisdom of your experiences and I hope you can continue to get better and progress from your experiences. I'm trying hard to accept that she is very broken. Trying to remove any spec of rosť colored glasses from my eyes.

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