SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Alyssamd24 posted 8/25/2013 20:03 PM

This is something I have been meaning to post about for a while but haven't yet.

I am just curious did anyone know about your A...did you tell them or did they find out on accident? How did those people act towards you after dday?

stupidgurl posted 8/25/2013 20:58 PM

My whole family knows, my mom, my dad, my brothers and sisters, about my PA. No one in H's family, that I know of, know about either. No one except for my younger brother knows about H's EA.

My mom and dad were worried about me, but they are/were still loving, my dad worries when I visit without my H, or am out late. He tells me to "take it easy," and gives me a look. He is telling me to stay out of trouble. My mom, she is my rock, I would have sucked on a pistol without her. She helped me put my life into perspective again, what my priorities should be etc.

My older brother was mad at me, as well as my older sister. My older brothers wife was mad at me too and was talking crap about me behind my back to my older sister, but I found out later, she had an A too, before I had mine. She is like that, hypocritical, self-righteous...

My younger brother was mad at OM and wanted to kill him. My younger sister felt horrible and was scared because she gave me OM's number after he called my parents house. In her defense she was only 12.
I used her, she couldn't know what I would do.

They all found out because my H called them and told them I was at OM's place, they went to pick me up and talk some sense into me.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 8:59 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

RightTrack posted 8/25/2013 23:25 PM

I told everyone, my family, his family and a lot of close friends b/c I thought were divorcing. It turned out ok, we have gotten a lot of support from people. We were both wrecked after DDay, we wouldn't have hidden it well.

She-Ra posted 8/26/2013 00:53 AM

Not a soul besides the counsellors. We didn't want anyone's opinion. Imagining what people would say was enough to scare us to be quiet

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/26/2013 06:33 AM

Well I told a close friend, my sister, my mom and step mom, my dad, and my IC. This took about 10 months.

Chicho told everyone else. No, he confided in a close friend, shared about it in meetings, and then as time went on he told some more people.

We wound up with pretty much everyone in our lives knowing.

The support we have received has been amazing.
At first I was horrified with the thought of so many people knowing, but almost no one treated me any differently.
Chicho's Dad was the only one who did, but that has changed over time. Chicho told his parents that it was our decision to R, and that we hoped they could respect that decision and support us. They do.

Ultimately I'm glad so many people know. We have a huge support system.

AStar posted 8/26/2013 07:01 AM

The only person I have spoken to is my best friend.
WH spoke to his best friend after I found out and is in IC.
I am sure the husband/wife of our friends know as they would have talked.
That's it as far as I know.
I filed for D and have not yet spoken to my Mum yet. Circumstances...
His parents don't know either.
I generally don't talk to people a out my issues, but it did help to share with my best friend. Guess I am just to embarrassed and hurt by his EA to talk.

JustDesserts posted 8/26/2013 07:34 AM

Those who know about my affair are my wife, myself, my IC. After DDay I told BW if she needed to share with her parents, siblings, best friend, co-workers or MY family - that I'd understand and support that choice.

She chose not to tell anyone, feeling our private marital issues were ours to address, as long as we were pointed toward healing. We have been doing just that, not perfectly on my part especially, but earnestly and with an incredible feeling of excitement regarding what we both know, and have known since our eyes first met...that we're with the love of eachother's life...with our soulmate.

Here and there I suggest again if she needs to share with any loved one (edit to add: or IC, etc.) I will understand, and she does appreciate that very sincere gesture on my part. Part of me feels I got away with avoiding the punishment and loathing from family and friends that as a cheater I deserve, right? But in the end, I know.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 8:57 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

rachelc posted 8/26/2013 09:02 AM

I told my spouse, my mom and sisters and a few close friends.
My best friend dumped me.
I suspect she had been a BS and just couldn't fathom being friends with the OW.

TxsT posted 8/26/2013 11:44 AM

Origionally my WH didn't want to tell a soul. This lead to me getting really angry and feeling that I wasn't able to reach out to anyone for support. I finally resented it enough I made telling at least our children manditory if he wanted me to stay. To not feel like you can cry in your own home for fear of looking like some falling apart person was too much for me to handle!

Since that first coming out WH has told his sister(also because I demanded it) and his BF. I have told the people who ultimately helped me through this hell...several very close friends. I too lost a good friend through this, she didn't think I should keep a H who could do this to me and shit all over me. Once in a while I open up to others but I am very selective in doing that.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 11:45 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

musiclovingmom posted 8/26/2013 11:49 AM

Didn't want to be the first BS to post. But, I told several people. On dday I told his sister - she and I are really close and she was in a similar situation. Two days later, I told my best friend. Sometime in those two days, he told a mutual friend at his work. A week later I told a trustworthy friend at church who was concerned because I seemed off. About 4 months in, I told another church friend who had experienced infidelity with her husband and stayed. At about 6 months I told my mother and a couple of other good friends. We also told our Sunday school teacher and his wife about that time (he works with OW and she kept running me down to him at work). I'm glad I've told the people I have. And, I'm glad I told them when I did. Some would not have been so supportive in the beginning but are because they've seen us together for a length of time since.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/26/2013 12:11 PM

I told my parents, with BH's blessing. They were almost too supportive (of me). My sister knew during.

TxsT posted 8/26/2013 12:11 PM

I am with Music on her last statement....I also feel that the time is now right to not be so guarded the knowledge. Not that I have a need or want to tell everyone, I don't. But I do believe the knowledge, when it does come out now, is not as disturbing to others since they have obviously been able to see us happy together for a year now. I find they are respectful of the hard work it took to get where we are and they are positive about our journey and helpful. Sometimes I will hear from someone....how did you have the strength. I also hear now...I don't know how I would have reacted if it had been me. My H's and my conviction to a positive marriage has also rubbed off on a lot of our friends. I call it paying it forward and trying to lead by example. I also tell someone who admires us that it has taken a huge amount of hard work to get to where we are and that I am proud of our accomplishment. How can anyone shoot me down for that.....and I don't care what they say behind my back. All I have to do is look at those types of people's marriage to know that I feel sorry for their narrow mindedness!

T

jrr111800 posted 8/26/2013 12:16 PM

Well, I have only told a few select people at the moment. People who need to know, my IC and people who I think have a positive influence on me and my actions. My BS on the other hand has told many of her close friends, her mother, my father, my two best friends and a couple people from our church. Our DDay was while we were on vacation so I am sure they maybe some other people as well. I will have to say that everyone that knows has been very supportive of my BS and nice to me. My friends are pissed at me and think I am a complete Jack-ass but they still support me and my efforts to get myself set straight, along with helping my BS through this horrible act(s) that I have brought into our relationship. I don’t think they really know what they should be doing, so for the most part they wait for me to make contact. Which I don’t really do, I really just don’t want to be talking to anyone outside of my wife these days. Maybe it’s foolish pride too. I already feel as shitty as I can get.

TxsT posted 8/26/2013 12:21 PM

jrr....I respect your feelings. I know my RWH feels exactly the way you do. His inward shame for all of this is so strong I am worried it will one day be our downfall.

T

shatteredheart7 posted 8/26/2013 12:28 PM

During the A, my FWH told 2 of his friends. One is a serial cheater who I have always been pissed at for cheating on his lovely wife, the other is an old high school friend that he considers to be like a sister. The male friend, of course, laughed about it and gave him a pat on the back. The female friend told him he needed to get a grip on his life and figure out what he wanted to do. She was VERY disappointed in him.

Since DDay, I have told 2 friends and his parents. I told his parents because they have refused to have anything to do with me and blamed me for all of our marriage problems. So I sent them an email explaining exactly what their precious son had been up to and told them to verify it with him, which they did. They still act like I do not exist, oh well their loss. He has since told his 2 best friends from childhood. They were both very supportive of me and pissed at him.

And of course our MC/IC.

soveryweary posted 8/26/2013 17:46 PM

I told my 4 best friends. I am blessed to have these four wonderful women in my life and there is no way I could hide it. They know me too well.
One of them is his sister, bless her heart she has not said a word to others, actually I trust all of them have kept it quiet.
My two co-workers I work closely with know.
Again, I ave been very close with these two for years, the can read me.
My mom pointedly asked, I did tell her yes, but that I would not discuss the details.
The others except for his sister know the dirty details.
I could not go one day without these fabulous friends in my life. They have lifted me with their love and support each and every day.

[This message edited by soveryweary at 5:47 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Aubrie posted 8/26/2013 20:08 PM

The only people that know about my As are my pastor and his wife because I originally went to him to confess. He of course, immediately turned me in QS's direction and told me QS was the one I needed to be talking to.

My husband refused to tell anyone else. He said I didn't cheat on anyone else but him. Why would we tell everyone our marital business? He also didn't want either of us to be treated differently and outsider's opinions and "advice".

He made the decision and I've stood by him. We've talked about telling my Mother but we haven't fully made up our minds yet.

1DumbHusband posted 8/27/2013 00:06 AM

Jrr, hit the nail on the head for me:

My friends are pissed at me and think I am a complete Jack-ass but they still support me and my efforts to get myself set straight, along with helping my BS through this horrible act(s) that I have brought into our relationship. I don’t think they really know what they should be doing, so for the most part they wait for me to make contact. Which I don’t really do, I really just don’t want to be talking to anyone outside of my wife these days. Maybe it’s foolish pride too. I already feel as shitty as I can get.

As for our family, all my parents know, her grandmother (both her parents have passed so Grandma is closest family), and a few select friends. I echo the sentiment about not wanting to really talk to anyone but my wife these days. However I do talk to people I feel safe around...but that's a really small population these days.

badchoice posted 8/27/2013 09:15 AM

My immediate family, a small group of trusted friends, my IC.

BW told more of her friends than I did, but she has a bigger support network of close friends. More of her family knows, again, she needed their support, and her IC.

While I hate that her family knows, it is the truth, and I cannot change that. Something I have to live with.