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Why do we want the damn dirty details?

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ccw82 posted 8/25/2013 22:16 PM

(I know I have been asking you reconcilers a lot of questions lately, but since I am new at this I am asking for guidance once again.)

Why is it that we want to know the details? Why do I want to know what WH was wearing when it happened, or where it happened, or exactly WHAT happened? Why do I care what time of day it was, where exactly he parked his car, or if he shaved that day before he went?

Guys, I am really trying to R. I love WH very much and would love nothing more than to forgive him, then use all of this as a reminder that we should never take each other for granted. Some days get really ugly when I ask for details, and when he offers up what he can remember, I get really pissed off and our day goes downhill.

If the details hurt so badly, then why am I so f-ing compelled to ask about them?!?

Sal1995 posted 8/25/2013 22:21 PM

Because they are our spouses. We're supposed to know everything about their sexual and "dating" activity, because we're supposed to be present when it happens. They aren't supposed to have any secrets when it comes to that sort of thing. It hurts us, but I'd rather be the listener than the one who has to divulge that info any day. It's what they deserve.

It's funny though, if your experience is anything like mine, once you feel that you've gotten all the info, or enough info, it's easier to move forward. Let's face, we know what our spouses are like. We just want them to start being honest people again.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/25/2013 22:27 PM

For me, one reason was to have control over my life and my decisions. I wanted to make decisions based on the truth. Another reason was so that there was nothing left between the two of them. No special secrets. Wanting to know then not wanting to know...getting angry, sad, etc are all very normal reactions. Personally, I wanted to know it all. That's just me. And I am not going to pretend like I'm not like that to please my WH or because someone else would do the opposite. I am me...they are them.

IGaveItMyAll posted 8/25/2013 23:49 PM

I wanted to know so I could stop making up shit that happened between them in my mind. It helped me get a handle on triggers and mind movies.

silverhopes posted 8/26/2013 00:34 AM

Everyone else said my reasons. The main one is like TCD said: I don't like that he has a secret with her that I don't know.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

kickboxer posted 8/26/2013 00:52 AM

I just need to know.

In my mind, things went down one way, but in reality I've learned some stuff happened differently than I thought.

Nonetheless, even knowing how much I need the details, my husband claims he just can't remember them.

So I guess I'll live the rest of my life making up crap that never really happened...unless he finally decides to spill it.

Scubachick posted 8/26/2013 01:07 AM

I don't like that he has a secret with her that I don't know.

This is exactly how I feel! I can't stand that he had secrets with another woman.

ItsaClimb posted 8/26/2013 05:17 AM

I wanted to make decisions based on the truth. Another reason was so that there was nothing left between the two of them. No special secrets.

^^ I think TCD hit the nail on the head.

I felt like WH had built a wall around himself and OW and the A and if R was going to happen then that wall needed to be smashed to bits and I needed to be given full access to what went on within those walls.

I also felt I needed to know EXACTLY what I was being asked to forgive.

olwen posted 8/26/2013 08:10 AM

Nicely put TCD!

I agree completely. For me it was definitely a case of my imagination was worse than the reality. We have such an amazing sex life I imagined the worst. Instead it was like the worst teenage fumble imaginable, especially since she later told me she is a lesbian who just uses men for what she can get out of them and "goes thru the motions if she 'has' to have sex to keep them" She also admitted she only seduced him cos she was 'bored'!

I believe H's story as it is so farcical he couldn't have made it up! Eg sex in the back of her car. She literally sat there like a princess when he clambered over the footwell, sort of crouched in front of her with one bent leg under the drivers seat and the other over the bump between seats, one hand on door armrest and the other on back of seat. Barely touching, both looking away from each other. Just imagining them in that position and him struggling to get hard, is ludicrous and helps me see how 'unexciting' it was.

I know everything I am sure. How long he touched her and how, at which points did he hesitate, how long they actually had sex, how and why he stopped so quickly etc. It helped me cos now I know the whole thing added up barely lasted a minute if you exclude moving around and arranging body parts.

The factual side of his story has never changed since he confessed. He winces and feels sick talking about it but keeps going for me.

He says it was like sex with a blow up doll or a prostitute. Wholly unpleasant and the biggest mistake of his life. I am so grateful It was so bad for him. HE actually didn't want to do it at all but was too weak to say no after getting too close via their EA.

It's not much but it helps me.

If I had left my imagination run wild I would be a gibbering wreck by now.

olwen posted 8/26/2013 08:19 AM

Sorry, I didn't mean to rabbit on about 'my story' so much there but cos the facts and details were soooo unsexy I thought I would show how very different the reality can be to what you imagine.

That's why I don't regret getting every single detail I could! They hurt like hell at the time but I think it's starting to get a bit easier to move on now I have full account of the awful night.

Gottagetthrough posted 8/26/2013 08:23 AM

i just want to know so i will know if R is possible (on my side)

i think if certain things were done, i would not be able to forgive...

TxsT posted 8/26/2013 08:28 AM

I wanted to make decisions based on the truth. Another reason was so that there was nothing left between the two of them. No special secrets. Wanting to know then not wanting to know...getting angry, sad, etc are all very normal reactions.

Tattood said it like how I felt it..... I needed to know so I could make my decisions on how much of his behaviour I was going to accept. I needed the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god or I was done. It is was one thing for me to know he had cheated, it was another for me to except him back into my life. In order for him to do that he had to make me feel like I knew EVERYTHING. Yes this discovery hurt me terribly. Each new item brought its own sorrows and pain. But what I also realized through this process is that eventually I could digest and accept new pieces of info without them hurting me so badly for so long. I also saw how strong I was and had become.

I want to stress that not everyone is made like me or could handle 100% of the truth. It is one thing to read an email that says he loved is quite another thing to have your husband, in real time, admit that he HAD loved her deeply.

Your journey is your own. Do what makes you feel safe. Only you can decide if the pain is worth the truth and how much of both you are able to bare.


[This message edited by TxsT at 8:30 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

niaveone posted 8/26/2013 09:01 AM

I wanted him to tell me everything because I wanted a few things from him.
#1 - WE are the sacred relationship. NOT them. He should have no secrets from me, so he knew he had to tell me EVERYTHING because there are no secrets.

#2 - I wanted him to see how hurt, disgusted, broken I was to hear MY HUSBAND did these things with this person. I wanted him to see the pain it caused to the *one person* that was always there for him.

#3 - I wanted him to be able to question every motive, quote, justification that woman used to make it *ok* for them to be together. I wanted him to see the manipulation, the dirty, dark side of this "woman" he fell for. She wasn't truthful and she definitely wasn't the person she portrayed herself to be.

WS said he never felt so dirty and empty as he did when he was telling me.

rachelc posted 8/26/2013 09:01 AM

i think if certain things were done, i would not be able to forgive...


and I don't understand those therapists cautioning people on finding out too much. If there is something I don't know, how on earth can I make a choice??
It's like we're instructed to lump all the bad choices they made into one bad choice. NO!

2married2quit posted 8/26/2013 09:24 AM

i wanted to know, I NEEDED to know.

It's my wife and I wanted to know what that A-hole was doing with her.

fighting4usnb posted 8/26/2013 09:43 AM

Both him and I cheated on each other. Its been pretty bad. The cheating on my end stopped. However in recent days as we are trying work it out, he still wants answers and details which I give and I know why he doesn't believe me. I also want to know things and on my end he wont answer me at all or tells me I have no right to know after being such a monster. I am not on here to make him look bad at all or myself I am on here because this is the truth. and when you lie and cheat I feel it doesn't matter if its just one party or you are doing it to each other, when it comes to reconciation in order to heal then both parties need to come clean and not do the blame game

painpaingoaway posted 8/26/2013 09:54 AM

I think TCD nailed it. But for me, in addition to those reasons, since I was infected with the prostitute's disease, it became extremely important health wise to know exactly what acts were involved, as certain acts of unprotected sex are riskier than others.

still-living posted 8/26/2013 12:39 PM

1) To domesticate the affair, -to ruin it, make it non-special, to exploit it, to exemplify the filth it was.

2) To make my wife pay for her actions. It was her choice to crucify me. I wanted her to beat me and nail my hands and feet to the cross and watch me suffer.

3) To rebuild my understanding of truth, my puzzle, to learn, to see the trends, to be able to spot them, to trust myself.

4) To force the action/progress. Either she lie to me some more or tell me the truth, then I can act, -validate or prove her wrong.

ccw82 posted 8/27/2013 23:30 PM

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I still have questions that pop up each day, but I've been suppressing them because when it comes down to it, does it really matter what he was wearing? What she was wearing? Etc.

[This message edited by ccw82 at 11:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

sri624 posted 8/28/2013 02:05 AM

i think it is important...although some feel it is not. i want to know everything that happend. like the other poster said...i wanted to special secrets between them...i wanted it all out in the open...the lies, the secrets, how they betrayed me...all of it. nothing special about that.

but i had to know also so that i could know the truth, determine if i was going to stay with him..and heal from it. i knew that if i didnt get the truth, then i would always be wondering what happend between them. i wanted to get it all out now.

one thing though...once you know, you know. you cant take it back. and you will have to process those ugly details...and let me tell you, it does hurt.

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