Why is it that we want to know the details? Why do I want to know what WH was wearing when it happened, or where it happened, or exactly WHAT happened? Why do I care what time of day it was, where exactly he parked his car, or if he shaved that day before he went?
Guys, I am really trying to R. I love WH very much and would love nothing more than to forgive him, then use all of this as a reminder that we should never take each other for granted. Some days get really ugly when I ask for details, and when he offers up what he can remember, I get really pissed off and our day goes downhill.
If the details hurt so badly, then why am I so f-ing compelled to ask about them?!?
Too many freaking TTs that nearly cost us our marriage; currently in reconciliation.
"Love isn't a feeling, it's a decision."
It's funny though, if your experience is anything like mine, once you feel that you've gotten all the info, or enough info, it's easier to move forward. Let's face, we know what our spouses are like. We just want them to start being honest people again.
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:16 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
In my mind, things went down one way, but in reality I've learned some stuff happened differently than I thought.
Nonetheless, even knowing how much I need the details, my husband claims he just can't remember them.
So I guess I'll live the rest of my life making up crap that never really happened...unless he finally decides to spill it.
This is exactly how I feel! I can't stand that he had secrets with another woman.
I wanted to make decisions based on the truth. Another reason was so that there was nothing left between the two of them. No special secrets.
^^ I think TCD hit the nail on the head.
I felt like WH had built a wall around himself and OW and the A and if R was going to happen then that wall needed to be smashed to bits and I needed to be given full access to what went on within those walls.
I also felt I needed to know EXACTLY what I was being asked to forgive.
I agree completely. For me it was definitely a case of my imagination was worse than the reality. We have such an amazing sex life I imagined the worst. Instead it was like the worst teenage fumble imaginable, especially since she later told me she is a lesbian who just uses men for what she can get out of them and "goes thru the motions if she 'has' to have sex to keep them" She also admitted she only seduced him cos she was 'bored'!
I believe H's story as it is so farcical he couldn't have made it up! Eg sex in the back of her car. She literally sat there like a princess when he clambered over the footwell, sort of crouched in front of her with one bent leg under the drivers seat and the other over the bump between seats, one hand on door armrest and the other on back of seat. Barely touching, both looking away from each other. Just imagining them in that position and him struggling to get hard, is ludicrous and helps me see how 'unexciting' it was.
I know everything I am sure. How long he touched her and how, at which points did he hesitate, how long they actually had sex, how and why he stopped so quickly etc. It helped me cos now I know the whole thing added up barely lasted a minute if you exclude moving around and arranging body parts.
The factual side of his story has never changed since he confessed. He winces and feels sick talking about it but keeps going for me.
He says it was like sex with a blow up doll or a prostitute. Wholly unpleasant and the biggest mistake of his life. I am so grateful It was so bad for him. HE actually didn't want to do it at all but was too weak to say no after getting too close via their EA.
It's not much but it helps me.
If I had left my imagination run wild I would be a gibbering wreck by now.
That's why I don't regret getting every single detail I could! They hurt like hell at the time but I think it's starting to get a bit easier to move on now I have full account of the awful night.
i think if certain things were done, i would not be able to forgive...
I wanted to make decisions based on the truth. Another reason was so that there was nothing left between the two of them. No special secrets. Wanting to know then not wanting to know...getting angry, sad, etc are all very normal reactions.
Tattood said it like how I felt it..... I needed to know so I could make my decisions on how much of his behaviour I was going to accept. I needed the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god or I was done. It is was one thing for me to know he had cheated, it was another for me to except him back into my life. In order for him to do that he had to make me feel like I knew EVERYTHING. Yes this discovery hurt me terribly. Each new item brought its own sorrows and pain. But what I also realized through this process is that eventually I could digest and accept new pieces of info without them hurting me so badly for so long. I also saw how strong I was and had become.
I want to stress that not everyone is made like me or could handle 100% of the truth. It is one thing to read an email that says he loved her.....it is quite another thing to have your husband, in real time, admit that he HAD loved her deeply.
Your journey is your own. Do what makes you feel safe. Only you can decide if the pain is worth the truth and how much of both you are able to bare.
[This message edited by TxsT at 8:30 AM, August 26th (Monday)]
Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!
#2 - I wanted him to see how hurt, disgusted, broken I was to hear MY HUSBAND did these things with this person. I wanted him to see the pain it caused to the *one person* that was always there for him.
#3 - I wanted him to be able to question every motive, quote, justification that woman used to make it *ok* for them to be together. I wanted him to see the manipulation, the dirty, dark side of this "woman" he fell for. She wasn't truthful and she definitely wasn't the person she portrayed herself to be.
WS said he never felt so dirty and empty as he did when he was telling me.
and I don't understand those therapists cautioning people on finding out too much. If there is something I don't know, how on earth can I make a choice??
It's like we're instructed to lump all the bad choices they made into one bad choice. NO!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
It's my wife and I wanted to know what that A-hole was doing with her.
2) To make my wife pay for her actions. It was her choice to crucify me. I wanted her to beat me and nail my hands and feet to the cross and watch me suffer.
3) To rebuild my understanding of truth, my puzzle, to learn, to see the trends, to be able to spot them, to trust myself.
4) To force the action/progress. Either she lie to me some more or tell me the truth, then I can act, -validate or prove her wrong.
[This message edited by ccw82 at 11:31 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]
but i had to know also so that i could know the truth, determine if i was going to stay with him..and heal from it. i knew that if i didnt get the truth, then i would always be wondering what happend between them. i wanted to get it all out now.
one thing though...once you know, you know. you cant take it back. and you will have to process those ugly details...and let me tell you, it does hurt.