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Sparkles posted 8/25/2013 23:33 PM

I can't decide if my stbx was having an exit affair. He still won't admit it even though someone is announcing his relationship all over every news story covering his affair partner. I have no idea who is doing that, I guess she pissed someone off.

When he gave me the ILYButblahblah speech I immediately asked him to fly home so we could talk in person and with a counselor and he refused. So I spoke with an attorney instead... so is this an exit affair?

I know it doesn't change anything, but my inquiring mind wants to know.

[This message edited by Sparkles at 11:33 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]

SBB posted 8/26/2013 04:36 AM

Are you asking if we think he had an affair? What does your gut say?

In my experience an exit affair is just the last one. It is no different to all the others. Sometimes it becomes an exit affair because they are found out, sometimes because the WS and/or AP decide they want to legitimise their vile union.

Say he didn't actually have sex with anyone until the ILYBINILWY speech. Does that make it any less fucked up?

Healthy people don't leave committed relationships and bounce straight into new ones.

Maybe he had a PA, maybe it was an EA, maybe it was neither.

A true ILYBINILWY would not involve a new relationship so quickly. It would be quite a painful realisation to come to and a normal person would try IC, MC - anything/everything before just deciding to go with their feelings.

I didn't love my husband for about the last year or two of that M. I told him I wasn't happy, I tried to get him to MC, I told him I thought he was depressed - I begged, pleaded, screamed, cried myself hoarse crying out for help. And then I stopped. And then I went numb.

I didn't step outside our M until after DD. I haven't bounced into a new relationship.

I should have given him the speech years ago - I tried to send smoke signals instead.

Was your STBX doing any of this? Trust your gut on this one. If you think he was having an A then chances are he was. Maybe not with this current woman. Maybe she was a past one.

If he wasn't telling you he was unhappy or listening to you then at the very least he checked out of the M. That is pretty much what leads to cheating - it has the same affect even without a P, E or an A involved.

devistatedmom posted 8/26/2013 08:35 AM

Sparkles, the thing is, we like to have the "answers" and to be able to "label" everything. With a WS, you can't always, because they will never give all the pieces to you.

Why does it matter to you if it's an exit affair? And what is the differences to you if it was or wasn't? Does one make it easier to handle if it was or wasn't? I'm not trying to be rude or whatever, it's just for you to think of. It you think it was, and that helps you deal with it in some ways, then it was.

All affairs suck. There is no good in an affair at all; they all hurt the BS, and aren't fair to the BS whether they plan it as an exit affair or not. He could have refused to talk to you about it with a C because "he just wanted away from you" and had the affair as an excuse, or because he's too chicken to face you, and doesn't want his mind changed, or, or, or...

It doesn't matter. If he wanted out of your relationship, then the ADULT way to deal with things would have been to talk to you, tell you how he was feeling and either the two of you get MC to try and fix things, or the two of you decide to call it quits...BEFORE he meets some pig.

If he really was happy with you then met this pig to fill his needs while away and now is too embarrassed because of what he did, then he isn't man enough to be in a real relationship.

If it helps you to label it an exit affair, then go for it. See, since they will never give us all the pieces, we get to fill in the blanks with what pieces we believe fit, and what are they going to do? Complain?

To me, an exit affair is when the person wants out of the relationship and isn't Man (or Woman) enough do things the right way, so they try to piss off the other person and make them the bad guy so they can say look! She threw me out! She filed! It wasn't my fault! Poor me! In other ways the semantics don't matter, they are all exit affairs, as they all stepped outside the boundaries of the relationship, so they "exited" the relationship to do what they wanted.

Ashland13 posted 8/26/2013 16:01 PM

I wanted to chime in and echo the other posts...an exit affair happened in the situation of Nearly Exh, where he was "all done" being M, but didn't have the guts to tell me. He apparently told other people, including my relatives and did other public activity, but was never going to tell me. Yep, it's still an issue for me.

I don't think it changes the type of affair it was if the person tells the other or not, as the other posts answered...the actions and words are what make an affair, in my way of thinking.

I heard the same speech and then was told "I love you" again several times before it was all over and I think he became tongue twisted and didn't know what to say or do-he got in over his head.

Yes, I'm one to search and find labels for problems too and if I can look up various terms, it helps me to cope, so I can relate to your question and answer search, Sparkles. It's easier to put problems out of our mind if they are answerable, than the others. But remember, it's WS, so "answers" are not always what they seem or in full truth.

sleepless34 posted 8/26/2013 16:28 PM

I like it when someone said any affair is an exit affair. Yes!