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Question about sexting vs 50 Shades of Grey

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Cannaman posted 8/26/2013 00:35 AM

Not long after I caught fWW in her A, which was mostly texting and sexting, only one PA admitted, she read at least 2 books from the 50 Shades series and burned through them. I think they may have been the first books she has read since high school. I have since tried to get her to read The 5 Love Languages and she picked it up, but in the 8 months that she has had it, has neither finished nor discussed at all with me.

I am beginning to think that what ever thrills she was getting from the sexting, she may have been getting from 50 Shades. I have asked her as much and she got mad at me for even suggesting it.

I haven't read the books myself, but from what I have heard they are quite graphic- which I imagine 5 months of sexting must have been too.

What do you think? Am I reading in to this too far?

silverhopes posted 8/26/2013 02:37 AM

Haven't read them either, but wanted to say your reasoning makes sense. It doesn't seem like you're reading too much into it.

Porn, whether in book or movie form, is a high (woo hoo, sex chemicals!). If the books are anything like their reputations, they probably do give a high to certain people - coupled with her high-risk (cheating) behavior, why not?

Are you finding 50 Shades of Grey to be a trigger for you?

Jrazz posted 8/26/2013 03:33 AM

I've read them. I can see there being some chemical release for some people.

The tricky thing here is that it's a very personal thing to draw the line where fantasy starts affecting your reality. In the case of my R, we've both decided that Crazz can no longer view any type of pornography because he has a hard time drawing lines between simply thinking about something and acting on it.

I've personally never had bad fantasy/reality boundaries, but in honor of our commitment to transparency and communication I checked with him first about the books before buying them. I must admit, pretty early on I knew the were a little too.... "involving" of certain brain chemicals, so I asked Crazz to read them too so we would be on the same page. (No pun intended)

He got bored 2.5 books in, but he does not have any bad feelings about me reading them and I do not think they affected me in any way that would dishonor our commitment.

If nothing else, just your concern alone should be reason enough to talk to her about your feelings on the matter. Considering she is the WS, I hope she can be open to understanding how hard it is for a BS to know that they have a picture of ANYONE besides you in their minds in a sexual matter. For me, it would be a boundary buster.

Ostrich80 posted 8/26/2013 03:39 AM

I haven't since I'm on a no sex diet my friends who have read have made me Leary of reading I think ya, you may be on to something

JanaGreen posted 8/26/2013 09:16 AM

They are very porny. They're also horribly written, so I can't think of any reason anyone would want to read them, other than to get turned on. It's not like the riveting plot sucks you in and then you just tolerate the sex scenes.

strongerdaybyday posted 8/26/2013 09:18 AM

I think you may be right. My sister reads those type of novels because it's a nice "escape"...I can see how that can turn into sexting or looking for "excitement"

2married2quit posted 8/26/2013 09:30 AM

Right before and at the start of my FWW's A, she was reading the 50 shades. Something must have happened and all the planets aligned. Biological change in her body, the book, attraction for OM, job sucked, depression, marriage was in a funk, finances sucked. Perfect recipe to go and cheat I suppose.

I sort of think that the books do get you going in fantasy mode and possibly cross the line. Much like porn. If you're not 100% of a grounded person or have an addictive personality or going through depression, anything like a fantasy can be something you would hand yourself over to. Just my opinion. Not justifying either, just trying to make sense.

movingforward13 posted 8/26/2013 11:07 AM

Wow, what a coincidence... My STBXH read the first 50 Shades before his cheating started... The sexting started up around that time as well.

Cannaman posted 8/26/2013 20:48 PM

I am fairly certain that the book appealed to the same part of her that the A appealed to. However that part of her has seemed to be "put away" again and even denied to exist period, at least with me. This is one of many reasons why we are still in limbo and likely headed toward D.
2 years out and honesty is still lacking.

I have been thinking about reading the books myself. I am curious as to the actual content.

PurpleBirch posted 8/26/2013 21:05 PM

I only read the first one. I got my SIL to tell me what happens in the next two because I didn't want the tedium of reading through them. (I'm a bit OCD -I usually need to complete a series). I really don't know what was so great about it. It was straight out porn IMHO.

Hearthache again posted 8/26/2013 21:23 PM

I feel that anyone who is tempted in this area and has crossed the line into infidelity needs to be very careful with stuff like this. I personally will not read 50 shades of grey. I have very firm beliefs that even my thought life should be centered on my partner. Yes what happens with the partner and other variation are very healthy but the main subject should be the one you are with.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 9:23 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

jjct posted 8/26/2013 21:32 PM

Sexting and 50 shades = same chemical thrill.

Just curious...what do you do with that info? How does it relate to your healing? (I'm just drawing a blank, that's all)

Her getting mad at you.
Not only is it a shut-you-down ploy (a manipulation), it's a troublesome sign.
I'm sorry if it's headed to D, but I guess you have to consider the energy you're spending on someone who does not seem transparent or even authentic. Not a safe partner for you.

Do you get angry when someone asks you a question like that?
Pure defense mechanism on her part.
She's shutting you up with anger.
It's a bit abusive to me.

Cannaman posted 8/26/2013 22:13 PM

It doesn't relate directly to my healing. It just seems to be another sign that perhaps it is time for me to make a decision. I know we are encouraged to take our time with this, I am now a couple days shy of the second antiversary of Dday. In that time- I have quit popping pain killers and all prescription medications, drinking alcohol, and smoking cigarettes, started to learn how to love myself, started eating healthy (paleo/primal) and started working out. I have had EMDR and it helped with obsessive thoughts and getting me out of the angry rut I had been stuck in. When I found an IC I liked, I went from seeing her weekly gradually down to where we are today- I have her phone number if I would like to make an appointment, otherwise she is thrilled with where I have come. I still have a long way to go on my own, because I would like to continue to grow until I drop dead.

Not so much for fWW. She had an IC first biweekly, then monthly but I think they spent most of their time talking about me. I have made requests to go with her, but she hasn't had an appointment in months, she missed the last one and hasn't rescheduled. I asked if if she is going to or why she hasn't and I am met with "I don't know."
She still isn't honest with me about thoughts and feelings, but I think at this point that is because she isn't honest with herself about them.

So this is just helping me build the momentum to do what I am thinking I need to do.
To be honest though I am terrified, but that is taking this thread quite a bit off track, perhaps I should start another.... And make an appointment to see my IC.

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