I've never told anyone this story before and I feel I need to get this off my chest for the first time in my life..
I think I may have scratched the service of why I feel the need to look at other woman for validation. The other day I had a long conversation with my BS and as I was talking to her about my past while I was in grade 7 and on I started thinking more about what happened in my life during that time period and I started to ramble on without realizing what I was saying.
Her is what happened..I went from elementary school (Gr 1-6)to Jr high (Gr-7-10) and while I made the transition to grade 7 it wasn't a smooth one..I wasn't doing well at school and it was my mother who decided to hold me back and repeat grade 7...that is when I started to hold resentment towards my mother..So I had to repeat the year and moving forward while I was finishing grade 8 I wanted to go to a high school of my choice and again my mother intervened and would not allow me to do this and forced my to stay at a school I was not comfortable going to...resentment #2...My mother forced my brother and I to go to church in which I did not want to go.resentment #3...Towards the middle of Grade 9 near Christmas time my mom and dad brought my sister and I over to my mom's bosses house for a XMAS dinner...only to discover later that same evening my mom and her boss had several drinks and were very flirtatious with one another. I remember my mom sitting on her Boss's lap with her arms around him while he was playing the guitar singing away to the other guests and right in front of my dad..resentment #4..my dad was so angry with my mom he demanded she leave and I remember while driving home crying in the back seat with my sister my parents were fighting about how my mom acted with her boss..By the time we got home my dad's temper got the worst of him and he got out of the car and grabbed my mom and pinned her to the car and demanded to know what the hell was going on..I was scared as hell. I thought my dad was going to kill my mom..Luckily my older brother was dropped off via a friend of his and saw what was going on and pulled my dad off my mom and I helped..We got my mom out of there and this is when my life took a turn for the worst..I remember about a week later my mom told me, my brother, and my sister she was leaving my father...It felt like I was stabbed and could not breathe..it was the worst day of my life and I was only 14 years old..I decided along with my brother to stay with my dad while my sister who was 6 years younger had to stay with my mom..As time passed my brother soon left the house to be with his girl friend which left my alone at the house with my dad. My dad took to drinking and he drank a lot..so much so I was scared of him..My dad worked shift work and would come home several hours after his shift had ended drunk..foul mouthed and I use to hide in a closet in fear of my life and waited for my dad to pass out before I would come out. I remember there was a time that my dad nearly burnt the house down and killed himself in the process when he tried to cook steak on the stove and laid down on the couch in the living room and passed out. I was out at the time and when I arrived home there was smoke everywhere in the house and started calling my dad's name and no response..I finally found him and had to smack him to get him up help him out of the house.
My life at this time and everything that led up to was a disaster.. My parents were no longer together..I resented my mom from past things she had done..My father was an abusive alcoholic who hated my mom and voiced his opinions about her time and time again in front of his kids..My father was never home and my brother had left the house which left me alone and I felt alone and scared trying to cope with school and my part time job and my friends..I felt like dying and I felt so alone and unloved for many years to come. I remember having a bottomless pit feeling in my stomach that would not go away that I carried with me for years. Every time I saw people happy whether I was at relatives or my friend's house at holiday events I remember how much I hated xmas.
I think the way I feel to this day needing validation from other woman is because I never got it from my mom. I didn't feel loved as a teenager.. I felt my parents didn't love me and I blamed myself that they broke up and that I couldn't do anything to get them back together..I was terrified of my father and my mother and I did not speak for a few years...I realize now that I need to feel loved and that was and still is a huge hole in my life and is probably the main reason why I don't like myself to this day..
I am working towards the healing process and fixing myself to be a better person..It is not going ot be easy by no means but I'm starting to feel better about myself just by writing about my story to all of you..
Your comments are what makes me what to get better...