SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sunsetslost posted 8/26/2013 08:16 AM

I'm 45 days since d-day. I understand mentally that she's gone. After talking to friends and family I understand that she has been unhappy for a while now. Doesn't excuse her actions. She's used this affair as a way to get out. I've giver her everything. She was a mess when I met her. Now she's a home owner, college degree, good job. She wants to be a 30 something divorcee. She wants to live that wine sipping bed hopping lifestyle. I want kids, financial structure, white picket fence life.
She knew I would fight her on a separation or no-fault divorce so she chose the one act that I now know is unforgivable (at least for me). The finances are separated. The dog is dead. The only thing holding me back from starting over is selling the house.

The emotions are rolling in fast and hard. I feel so broken. So lonely. The anxiety attacks are almost crippling. I'm doing everything right. NC. Therapy. Amazing support network. Positive attitude. When the house sells I'm moving to the beach. New state, new start. I have time to start over. I just want the emotional roller coaster to be over.

nowiknow23 posted 8/26/2013 08:43 AM

Sunsets - The emotions you are experiencing are completely normal. The bad news is that they're going to be with you for a while. The good news is that the up and down swings will be gradually less intense and further apart.

Hang in there. Keep posting. You may want to check in with the guys on the Betrayed Men thread in the I Can Relate forum as well.

TrustGone posted 8/26/2013 11:15 AM

It is hard to let go of the dreams we had. It is normal to feel as you are feeling now. As NIK said, the ups and downs will get less and farther in between.

It is good that you will be starting over in a new place. You will have new experiences, new people, basically a whole new life. One day you will look back at this and think about it without feeling the hurt that you are feeling now. Unfortunately we have to go through the hurt to get to the other side of our healing. Hang in there. One day you will have that great life, great house with the picket fence, and a woman that truely loves you.

Ashland13 posted 8/26/2013 15:49 PM

A lot of your sentiments I share, Sunsets. If I could afford to, I would move to a beach! My children and I are losing our home and I have things to sort out, also.

One of my bits of anxt along with moving when we don't want to, is that Nearly Exh is already settled in his new whereabouts, while we flounder about the universe.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. And I hear that it takes a few years past that move when the emotions begin to ebb more and flow less. I wait for that day.

As you say about your situation, Nearly ExH claimed he didn't want "responsibility", yet from what I understand is not let far out of OW sight and there is a "family" there...where it is I who will single and free, which is what he wanted...yet I mourn the life we had made and know that it wasn't all bad, as he's rewritten and I have pictures of him being happy, when he says he wasn't...

Just a long note written to say, I understand. The picket fence and grandkids in the yard is something I sought, too, and worked on for 20 years. It is gone now.

SBB posted 8/26/2013 16:52 PM

I was a hot mess for those first few months.

You just can't believe this is happening. I invested so much into that guy and frankly, I did not deserve this.

It is so fucking unfair I wanted to scream.

You won't believe this for a little while but in time you will be thankful that she couldn't keep her mask on any longer. You'll be thankful that she set you free.

I know it hurts right now and you will be on this damn rollercoaster for a while but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that it won't always burn this much.

((sunsetslost))

homewrecked2011 posted 8/26/2013 16:59 PM

GOod idea to move. I'm outta here as soon as youngest grad high school.

FieldsOfLavender posted 8/26/2013 21:42 PM

The emotions are rolling in fast and hard. I feel so broken. So lonely. The anxiety attacks are almost crippling.

At the beginning, the motions are more intense and I had emotional roller coasters every day. Now it's twice a week.

I am 15 months out since D-day. STBX moved out 2 months ago and then our 8 yo daughter wanted to spend the night with her father at his new place. Whenever she is not with me, I have waken to anxiety attacks. Part of the anxiety is that I have been unemployed. STBX does not care about ANY of it, my emotional roller coaster, my unemployment.

SBB posted 8/26/2013 22:50 PM

^^FOL, that is one of the hardest things to accept. How the one who promised to love and protect you can turn around so quickly and become so cruel.

As they say here "Don't expecting S/D what you didn't get in your M".

That one line helped me so much - I didn't get love, respect, empathy in my M why on earth was I expecting in S/D?

((FOL)) but it takes a painful while to get there.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 1:07 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]