SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Camalus posted 8/26/2013 09:10 AM

I’ve been calling people we still know in Georgia. I am starting to learn a few things about my wife’s affair. I’ve had three different people give me the same name as the OM. He was a married co-worker of hers. I’ve heard the affair just kind of fizzled out around 1998.

I’ve also learned many of the couples we socialized with at that time knew all about what was going on.

I’ve told some of these people I never want to hear from them again. The betrayal of friends hurts almost as badly as my WW’s betrayal.

How can a person you consider a close friend spend a week fishing with you and keep secrete what he knows is going on back home while we are at the lake. The excuse ‘my wife made me promise not to mention it’ doesn’t cut it with me. Nor do any of the other excuses I’ve heard.

Pardon my language, but SHIT. We socialized together. As families we had summer barbeques, picnics, camping trips, and Christmas parties together. I would have felt safe loaning any of them anything I had including money. Yet NO ONE felt the need to clue me in?

When I do confront my wife, I intend to make it very clear we will never have anything to do with any of these people again. No phone call, no exchange of Christmas Cards, I don’t give a damn about their kids or grandkids. I don’t care if they are going through Texas on vacation and want to stop and visit. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!

Thefly559 posted 8/26/2013 10:03 AM

Good ! this is a very normal reaction to a tramatic life changing experience.Cut all ties to those who obviously are not friends or friends of the marriage! When this happened to me and I found out my stbxw had a boyfriend from work , I also found out how many people knew , sick people ! friends of mine for 30 years other friends who were cheated on themselves ! all ate dinner at my table and played with my kids , had drinks at my home and they all f--king knew ! so you are not alone in your anger , it is a double betrayal. I wish you all the best , it sounds like you are choosing to reconcile with your ww be careful and read up on some typical behaviors before you dive into that decision. Just some friendly advice

catlover50 posted 8/26/2013 10:06 AM

So sorry tirednconfused. People are just weak, usually not ill intentioned. It's just easier not to get involved.

I've gotten involved before in a case where I learned that a friend's daughter was planning to meet a man she met on line (when she was 13). I told the mother. She didn't believe me. The girl went to London with her grandparents and snuck out in the night twice and had sex with an adult man.

The mother hates me now.

But, I could not have lived with myself if I had not tried to help. The reality is people rarely thank you in these types of situations; it is much easier to keep quiet. Wrong, IMO, but easier.

I would also be angry, but I hope that you can let some of that go eventually. People are just weak.

Simic posted 8/26/2013 10:08 AM

"How can a person you consider a close friend spend a week fishing with you and keep secrete what he knows is going on back home while we are at the lake. The excuse ‘my wife made me promise not to mention it’ doesn’t cut it with me. Nor do any of the other excuses I’ve heard."

This is a very good question. I understand exactly how you feel about this. There are people on this site who struggle with this as well. If my friends know what my XWW was doing I would want them to tell me. All I can say is I guess you can now tell who the good friends are from the bad ones.

I wonder, what excuses did your WW use to keep them silent? My XWW said some nasty things about me to encourage her friends not to tell me. She indicated possible domestic violence and well as emotionally unavailable. Basically she painted me as the HUSBAND FROM HELL so please don't tell. All I can say is that our mutual friends should have known better and told me the truth.

Hey tirednconfused, how are you holding up? How is your WW doing with her physical healing? Remember, if you need a place to vent we are here to listen.

God Bless you.

BryanP37 posted 8/27/2013 00:30 AM

I think you need to confront your wife now. Yes, the healthcare professionals tell you that you must keep your wife from physical and mental stress. BUT, they are not walking in your shoes. Since you are the caretaker, this has got to be eating a hole right through you. You know your wife and how she might react. Do it in a way appropriate to your situation. It's possible she may be dying to tell you with her health situation being what it is. It appears she's noticed something is up with you as she's noticed you are appearing withdrawn.

Although I am a BH myself, my experience with your type of situation stems from my mother having an affair with her boss when I was in high school. I also have an older sister who cheated long term on her husband. Both affairs were basically rug swepted. This history had much to do with me divorcing my wife without any thought or reconciliation.

My mothers affair appears similar to your wife's as it seems to have gone on 3 or so years. Appears to have died on its own, except my dad found out about a year later at the end of my freshman year at the Air Force Academy. He was the last to know too, and his reaction towards the so called "friends" very similar to yours. My siblings and I were shocked when this came out. We knew something was up, but mom having an affair was the farthest thing from our minds. It was shocking to find out so many supposed close friends knew about it and were able to keep the secret.

You said earlier that your daughter noticed her mom being detached during her high school years. My mom missed my last half of my high school years. Football games, baseball games, I made very good grades and had a couple of chances at athletic scholarships. The best offer was an appointment to the Air Force Academy from my SAT scores. She barely took notice. Nothing like when my two older sisters went through. My younger sister who was an up and coming student in her own right was virtually ignored by our mother during this time. This did not go unnoticed by me or my little sister. Neither of us obviously had the life experience to understand, but we both knew something was not right. She was just too busy working all kinds of hours so we thought. My dad bought into it as well. Looking back, it seems so preposterous. My mom was a typest/file clerk. What could she possibly be doing working those hours on the programs she said she worked on? We know now.

My parents stayed together and put on an amazing front for years. However, my younger sister and I never truly rebonded with our mother. Mom never acknowledged her affair had any effect on me or my siblings. She just ignored what happened and tried to carry on as though nothing happened.

My moms health failed her about 5 years ago with breast cancer. My dad was forced into the caregiver role in her last year or so before she passed away in 2011. It had an awful effect on him having to be the dutiful husband even years after my moms affair ended. They never did anything to facilitate healing from her cheating. My younger sister and I remained detached from our mother and her legacy is forever stained in our eyes.

It appears your daughter is holding on to some animosity from those years and she doesn't understand why her mom was like she was. You know now, and it's eating you up inside. For both of your sakes and to give your a wife a chance to come clean while the opportunity exists, you need to confront her on this. Do it in a way you feel is appropriate for the situation. Cue your daughter in on it as well. It may answer some nagging questions in her mind too. At the same time it may preserve your wife's legacy for your daughter and future grandchildren. It may even make being caregiver a little easier for you if she is repentant upon confrontation.

Just a thought from the kids viewpoint of it.

[This message edited by BryanP37 at 10:03 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 8/27/2013 01:48 AM

I will never understand this behavior.

There is no doubt that I would let a friend, relative, neighbor know if I was aware of infidelity in their relationship.
IMO that is called, "doing the right thing"

I agree, those people that hid it from you are not friends. I too would dump them.

myownmaster posted 8/27/2013 12:24 PM

One reason you might want to confront your wife sooner than later is the fact that you've spoken to more than a few mutual friends about it now. Not that much of a reach that one of them contacts your wife and tells her that you know. The trajectory of your reconciliation may not change much, but I think it's comforting to know that she doesn't have days to practice what she wants to say. Maybe coach friends to lie a bit and such. Make up lies herself.

As another poster said. Don't rugsweep. I know it happened years ago and she might be a great wife at this moment, but I wouldn't even let it slip in the beginning that you two are going to for sure stick together regardless of what happens after. If she knows you're gonna stay, then she may try to squirm out of being honest and respectful towards you more than she assuredly already will. I'm not saying throw divorce in her face, but let her know nothing is certain until you see how she responds (is she going to respect you by doing everything you need to heal or not?).

It's really more about respecting yourself. And I know the age of both of you may play a factor as well into how strong you approach her, but just don't be a doormat.

3Xthefool posted 8/29/2013 13:56 PM

I sympathize for you on finding out that friends knew all along and didn't tell you.

Simic makes a valid point: you need to find out what WW told the friends to keep them quiet. (if in fact she was the one who told them)

The other thought I had was that it may have simply been a gossip mill with the friends.....someone saw WW with another man behaving somewhat inappropriately but didn't really know that it was truly an affair and didn't want to inform you for fear that their suspicions weren't accurate.

If in fact they did know without a doubt that an affair was going on and didn't tell you; it speaks volumes about the type of people that they are and about the level of maturity and morality (or lack thereof) they have in their hearts. With friends like these, who needs enemies?