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How do I help him move on and get back to us

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fighting4usnb posted 8/26/2013 09:36 AM

A few years ago I cheated on my boyfriend more then once. I have done horrible things to him. In retaliation he has done horrible things back and we had such a troubled relationship. I have stopped cheating on him its been almost 2yrs now, been in therapy myself for lying and getting back to a better me. and have realized why I did what I did. However, I have been put down, found him on dating sights, sneaking out on dates, and having emotional affairs. We have been on and off 6 times and I fight all the time for us. This last time we broke up for a month and in that time he met someone and had her almost moved in. Now back together we told each other we can not work on us without therapy and he admitted to me that recently it hasn't been me it is him having a hard time getting past what I have done the monster I was. And want to try and get the tools to help him get past this and for us to move forward. I have been back now for a month we went once so far to therapy and he still has some bad days. When he does, I get called a liar and cheater and how he left a good woman for me (who I found over the house one morning and I know he slept with her a few wks ago. and he had me not sleep home I ended up sleeping in a car) I know he still talks to her but yet tells me he is worried what I would do behind his back. I tell him I wonder the same and when I do he makes me feel that I am not supposed to feel this way because of what I done and this a reaction to my wrong. Without admitting that what he is doing in the present also hurts me so much. I am on here for support and know that he does want to try but don't know how anymore to help him on one of his bad days. I know that he tells me he has a feeling I am lying still and I know its insecurity and its getting to him, because I have it to I just don't bring it up because I don't want an argument and feel its not about me its soley about his feelings and his hurt I caused and not the hurt he caused me. I keep telling him to stay positive and focus on the good and that we have the power to have choose to have a good day or bad. I am so lost and trying so hard and feel I am walking in eggshells again and don't want that either. I am on here for support and I know which I finally came to terms with that I am not the only one who was the person who lied and cheated, only I have stopped all that. in return I am still getting the sneaking around. I also found an email response to something he responded to on Craigslist he wanted to meet up with someone and I was home that day when he did this. I know he didn't go through with it but not sure if he does this all the time or it was a one time thing. I love him dearly and fighting with all I have and know how hard this all is. Please help or advise me on what to do for him and us and my own pieace of mind. I want us to work so does he but not sure how to help on his bad day when a bad memory pops up do I sit and take it take the insults and leave him alone or do I keep standing up for myself without an argument and show support the right way. thanks

[This message edited by fighting4usnb at 9:39 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Knowing posted 8/26/2013 09:56 AM

Welcome to SI. You may want to check out a thread in the I Can Relate forum for Madhatters.

I did not have a RA (revenge affair) upon discovery of my fWH's A but It was something that occurred to me at one point. That being said, his Behaviour is not justified and doesn't seem to have stopped, by your account.

You're right, therapy is the best thing, and so is reading books about infidelity. I hope you find the support and guidance you need here and IRL. Keep looking for answers, you'll find them!

confused615 posted 8/26/2013 10:13 AM

You've been back home for one month..but he had sex with an OW a few weeks ago..and you know he answered an ad on craigslist.

These are not the actions of a man who wants to have a relationship with you. He is still cheating.

You can't make him stop...but you can put a stop to the disrespect and the pain he is causing you. It ends when you say it ends...

JustAShadow posted 8/26/2013 12:03 PM

Fighting -

I just wanted to chime in with a welcome and support as I can empathize with your situation (I'm a madhatter too) and how your boyfriend is currently treating you. I'm in month 13 and still struggle to do the 'right' things even though I logically know what I *should* be doing. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

Have you checked out the Healing Library yet? (see the yellow box at the left). Go there and check out the link for BS FAQ. Question 11 is about the 180. Read up on that and digest it. It's for you to do for you (not as a way to punish your WB (wayward boyfriend).

As confused said, you can't make him stop. And you can't love him enough to make him stop. He will continue to act in this manner as long as he chooses to. It is entirely frustrating but it is entirely true. In the meantime all you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with and work on choosing to put yourself first.

If you are deciding to stay with him for now - are you transparent about your actions with him? Does he get to see your monthly phone bill to see who you are talking/texting with as one way to show that you are being faithful now?

The world of the madhatter is a confusing one because we do tend to compare each other's A's (as in 'well at least *I* didn't do XYZ) but each person's A should be addressed on it's own. As other people have said here when talking about madhatter A's it's best to take one at a time.

If you do a general google search for 'remorse vs regret surviving infidelity' you'll come up with a number of links for boards on here about that topic. The general consensus is that you cannot reconcile with a wayward that is not remorseful.

Check out the I Can Relate / Madhatter's forum. It's not a real hot board but maybe you'll want to read up on posts there and you'll find a number of others who are in or have been in a similar situation.

I'm sorry that this post is pretty scattered and not well written. (That is probably just indicative of my current mood.) But hopefully it will help you feel less alone in this.

ETA: A great consolidation of a bunch of information was consolidated by FightingToSurvive and is found here:

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 12:30 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

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