I don't know if you've been in Individual Counseling, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone who won't judge you and can help you start the process of moving forward.
I told my wife - who I think is genuinely remorseful for her actions - this recovery process is like helping someone who is about to fall off of a cliff from falling and dying, but doing this AFTER that person broke my leg and while I myself am in tremendous pain, while pulling her up.
If you can't stand to be around this guy and you've really put forth your best effort in recovery - whether he has or not. Maybe you need to let go of him and leave?
How long have you been in active recovery?
I don't know much of who you are, but it sounds like you have a lot going for you. I'd let him go, but if you feel you need to move on with him, then do so. More importantly, continue with IC so that if you choose to leave, you won't bring the issues to the next relationship and hurt it from the start.
I have 25 yrs invested in my marriage so I am staying and we are tring to R. Not sure what path I would take if I didn't have so many years invested, we each have to chose our own path.
Please take care of you, we seem to forget in our pain that we are worth so much more than what our WS reduce us to. Come here often...it has saved my sanity more than once.
If he can’t handle your past (and present) accomplishments and has now twice seen fit to ‘punish’ you by maliciously having affairs to knock you down a peg or two (in his feeble mind), what’s going to suddenly change in the future? Your past will always be your past and you’re creating new successes in your present right at this moment – so what’s going to magically make him suddenly respect your past accomplishments, and all of a sudden encourage you to continue striving for more?
Anyone who literally goes out of their way to crush you, to bring you down, to devastate you, and to try to shame you for what you’ve accomplished in life, is toxic.
I have to repeat what Reegz asked you. Why would you still be with this person? Love isn’t a reason. Not in this case.
Wishing you the strength to do what's best for YOU.
Don't let pride hold you back. He's an asshole, you made a mistake loving him. You sound intelligent enough to figure out the Life Lesson in all this and get back on track to a brilliant life. I wish you all the best!
I don't know how old you are, but you don't mention any children, so I am going to assume you are in your late twenties-early thirties.
I discovered my H's LTA at the age of 53. It had begun when I was 37.
Although we can't predict how we will, or presume how we would have reacted to such a trauma, I am almost sure I would have left him had I discovered the A in it's infancy.
Even with four young kids, I think I would have left this pain behind and looked for happiness away from my betrayer.
In any case, I know now, and we are trying to reconcile our marriage as we move toward our retirement years.
In a way, I envy you that you do indeed feel disgust toward your WH.
I imagine that it would be easier for you to walk away from this marriage feeling the way you do.
You are smart. You are strong. You deserve so much MORE. Get yourself healthy, emotionally and physically.
Forgot to mention that my first H had an A and left me and our 6 month old baby for OW when I was 23.
I let him return after dday, but after 3 days, kicked him out and NEVER regretted it. I actually thanked him years later when he finally apologized.
Here is an opportunity. Take it.
Don't walk away from this marriage. RUN. If I was 37 again, I'd be running with you.
One day, you may thank him.
I have read a ton of books too and there are some books for how to heal after an affair. But, you gotta both really really want it. I don't as too much has happened and I don't think there is any going back. Get some space, get away from him now. If it is meant to be, it will be later. You don't need to see his face right now.
Go to IC and really think about what you want.
These are early days and it is quite understandable that you feel this way. For some people, this behaviour is a deal breaker. They know they are never going to get over it and so the best thing for them is to cut the ties and move on before it kills them.
You owe him nothing. Zilch. Nada. He wants reconciliation because he doesn’t want to lose his comfortable life. Well, show him what life without you is like. Kick him out for a while and see how you feel after a month or two. Separate your finances and do not do anything for him. Nothing. And if you get back together, it should be on the understanding he stands on his own two feet, earns his own money and makes an effort to put in to the relationship instead of just taking.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop making excuses and blaming you for HIS poor choices. His choice to have an affair is nothing to do with you and everything to do with his selfishness. Tell him to have a long hard look in the mirror and see who and what he really is. And then tell him to make up his mind who and what he wants to be, find a way to get there and be a decent human being instead of a selfish prick.
Meanwhile, look after yourself. Eat little and often, smoothies are good. Stay away from alcohol. Get some fresh air and exercise. Talk to friends. If you can, pamper yourself with a facial or a body massage. Go to your doctor for some ADs or sleeping tabs if you feel you can’t cope, there are some that are light weight and just enough to take the edge off.
Don’t let him pass guilt onto you. Don’t. It’s not your fault – the flaw is in him. Step back, step away from him and take care of YOU.
Oh, and if it hasn't already been done, TELL THE OWs HUSBAND.-- He deserves to know and all of you need STD testing. :(
There is a better life than this, and you are worth it.
I really regret the fact that I left someone for this guy. I mean, I left him because he was too busy for me and I loved how much attention I got from my idiot STBXH. I'm sure I enabled STBXH, though. It's frustrating, but I thought I could "fix" him, too, in the beginning. This is the second time he cheated, so it was easier to come to terms with the leaving thing. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it does mean that I can look forward to the fact that this is the last time he'll ever be able to make me hurt.
I think, ultimately, that's the choice you have to make.
Either way, you're going to hurt right now. Is he worth hurting for again or do you want to be sure that this is the last time?
Do you want a real man, or do you really want incest to be a legitimate part of your life?....and not just when flipping through channels and landing on Jerry Springer.