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A hug from a murderer?

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velvethammer posted 8/26/2013 11:21 AM

Hi everyone. I'm new and am almost 3 months out from dday. My bf/ex fiancé, effed his married, fat, ugly, stupid, COUSIN - actually flew to another state and spent 4 days and $1100 to do her in her t-shirt lingerie (she wouldn't remove it because she's fat...oh but I mentioned that). We're almost at 8 years of being together and in that time I've earned two masters degrees at an accelerated pace with a 3.96 GPA, began a career in research science, got into Hopkins for a third masters that my job is paying for, and started a dance fitness business with the help of a Tony award winning Broadway producer. I'm a former pro football cheerleader and I, before this was always upbeat and fun and adventurous. He was a miserable wretch who I kept trying to help. He had depression but denied it and just kept being an a$$ to me which didn't have any effect. We recently discovered that he resented all of my success and was jealous and basically had two affairs to destroy me because acting like a prick wasn't doing the trick. Well this did for sure. I feel like he killed me. I only feel pain now. I was small to begin with and now my size 4 clothes are falling off of me, my hip bones are protruding, my ribs sticking out, I can't sleep most of the time while other times I spend all day in bed. The thoughts of them together make me sick. I've been to the doctor, we've both been in couples counseling and IC. Nothing seems to be helping me. We've read a ton and all of it says the betrayer now needs to become the healer. This seems ludicrous to me. It's like asking a rapist to cuddle afterwards. How does anyone want a hug from the person who just killed them? Am I just odd? I can't stand to be around him right now. He makes me sick. Is this part of healing or am I getting worse?

SoLost1545 posted 8/26/2013 11:31 AM

I would say it's somewhat normal (I can't say for sure since I'm still new to this). I know that my feelings go back and forth with my WH. There are days where I just want everything to be okay, hug him, etc...and there are days, like today, where I can't stand the sight of him and want to bust his face in. I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I can offer support. You are not alone.

Reegz posted 8/26/2013 11:38 AM

Hi, I can feel the anger in your words. I understand it. You sound like a catch and he sounds like a loser.

I don't know if you've been in Individual Counseling, but it sounds like you need to talk to someone who won't judge you and can help you start the process of moving forward.

I told my wife - who I think is genuinely remorseful for her actions - this recovery process is like helping someone who is about to fall off of a cliff from falling and dying, but doing this AFTER that person broke my leg and while I myself am in tremendous pain, while pulling her up.

If you can't stand to be around this guy and you've really put forth your best effort in recovery - whether he has or not. Maybe you need to let go of him and leave?

How long have you been in active recovery?

velvethammer posted 8/26/2013 12:01 PM

Thanks for responding SoLost 1545. Reegz, I found out almost 3 months ago and we were in couples counseling at the time. He did this in January and I knew something wasn't right but couldn't ever find the evidence until recently. The therapist told him he needed to come clean on everything. He sucks at lying and I'm not an idiot so for the first two months, he didn't come clean on everything and I kept finding things out which as we all know, sets my recovery waaaaaaay back. Since the last few gems were discovered it's been a few weeks so I guess maybe I'm not 3 months out but more like 3 weeks out. This is just the worst pain ever and I feel like I've gone into protection mode and am trying to shut him out. I just haven't read anyone doing that before. Everyone seems to have empathy for the cheater or want them to comfort them. I don't have anymore empathy for him. I tried to use my contacts to get him a better job. He has said that I inspired him to get his masters degree. Yeah, I inspired him to get a higher education and she inspired him to turn into a lying, cheating, cousin f$%@er. Um...really? My family tried to help him and always sent him birthday cards and christmas cards with money in it - money he spent on his whore. I didn't get a christmas present but she did with my parents' money. Anyway, I just kept trying to get him involved in life in some way, exercise, hobbies, activities, new job prospects, etc. and he wanted none of it. Says he kept wanting to do it on his own. Well when you spend your days off playing video games for 14 hours I don't think you're going to get much accomplished. He rewrote us like they all do. I was some horrible controlling person - did I mention he went on golf trips with his buddies every year but never took me anywhere? and didn't I let him go to Illinois to eff his cousin for 4 days? Yeah, I'm controlling. Now, of course he's beyond remorseful and fully realizes what an a$$ he was and that he doesn't deserve me. His cousin by the way, wanted him to move in with her and her husband and 4 kids and nobody would suspect anything because they're cousins. I think we have the poster child for delusional living in Macomb. Oh and she goes to church every week with the kids. How is that possible? How do people like that not burn up on entry into a church? You know she didn't even call her kids while she was effing him for 4 days? What kind of mother is that? He can't believe how stupid he was, how he didn't see what was right in front of him, how he lost all moral fiber, etc. I can't believe how easy he was for her to get and how easy it was to throw me and us away. I can't believe how I was all of the sudden the bad guy. I now have PTSD from this. I'm not a war vet. I shouldn't have PTSD from a relationship.

Reegz posted 8/26/2013 12:27 PM

Why are you still with him? What attracts you to him? What is that ONE positive that outweights ALL of the negatives of staying with this man?

I don't know much of who you are, but it sounds like you have a lot going for you. I'd let him go, but if you feel you need to move on with him, then do so. More importantly, continue with IC so that if you choose to leave, you won't bring the issues to the next relationship and hurt it from the start.

emotionalgirl posted 8/26/2013 12:49 PM

Hi Velvet... You sound like a great person with tons going for her. My IC asked me what attracted me to my WH in the first place? She told me to think about it and if I couldn't answer then I needed to figure out why I was staying in the relationship. She also recommended a very good book called " Co-Dependant no More". I didn't think that I was co-dependant but wow this book opened my eyes. You sound allot like I am in your view of your relationship and how you try to fix and help him, so I think you may find the book very interesting.

I have 25 yrs invested in my marriage so I am staying and we are tring to R. Not sure what path I would take if I didn't have so many years invested, we each have to chose our own path.

Please take care of you, we seem to forget in our pain that we are worth so much more than what our WS reduce us to. Come here has saved my sanity more than once.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/26/2013 12:52 PM

Velvet, you need to remove the toxin from your life, and that would be him.

If he can’t handle your past (and present) accomplishments and has now twice seen fit to ‘punish’ you by maliciously having affairs to knock you down a peg or two (in his feeble mind), what’s going to suddenly change in the future? Your past will always be your past and you’re creating new successes in your present right at this moment – so what’s going to magically make him suddenly respect your past accomplishments, and all of a sudden encourage you to continue striving for more?

Anyone who literally goes out of their way to crush you, to bring you down, to devastate you, and to try to shame you for what you’ve accomplished in life, is toxic.

I have to repeat what Reegz asked you. Why would you still be with this person? Love isn’t a reason. Not in this case.

Wishing you the strength to do what's best for YOU.

Nature_Girl posted 8/26/2013 13:10 PM

Hon, sometimes you gotta chew off your foot in order to free yourself from a trap that means certain death. Surely it's past time for you to realize that this loser is only ever going to hold you back in life & drag you down. It's time for you to admit this relationship is a failure, you did not choose wisely (welcome to the club!), and move on with your head held high, thankful you dodged a bullet and aren't tied to this man with a mortgage and kids.

Don't let pride hold you back. He's an asshole, you made a mistake loving him. You sound intelligent enough to figure out the Life Lesson in all this and get back on track to a brilliant life. I wish you all the best!

FightingBack posted 8/26/2013 13:17 PM


I don't know how old you are, but you don't mention any children, so I am going to assume you are in your late twenties-early thirties.

I discovered my H's LTA at the age of 53. It had begun when I was 37.

Although we can't predict how we will, or presume how we would have reacted to such a trauma, I am almost sure I would have left him had I discovered the A in it's infancy.
Even with four young kids, I think I would have left this pain behind and looked for happiness away from my betrayer.

In any case, I know now, and we are trying to reconcile our marriage as we move toward our retirement years.

In a way, I envy you that you do indeed feel disgust toward your WH.
I imagine that it would be easier for you to walk away from this marriage feeling the way you do.

You are smart. You are strong. You deserve so much MORE. Get yourself healthy, emotionally and physically.

Forgot to mention that my first H had an A and left me and our 6 month old baby for OW when I was 23.

I let him return after dday, but after 3 days, kicked him out and NEVER regretted it. I actually thanked him years later when he finally apologized.

Here is an opportunity. Take it.

Don't walk away from this marriage. RUN. If I was 37 again, I'd be running with you.

One day, you may thank him.

sleepless34 posted 8/26/2013 13:19 PM

Oh, I am so sorry! I agree with you that it would be hard to find any comfort from the person that betrayed you. I couldn't do it, I immediately wanted to be away from him and process and grieve on my own.

I have read a ton of books too and there are some books for how to heal after an affair. But, you gotta both really really want it. I don't as too much has happened and I don't think there is any going back. Get some space, get away from him now. If it is meant to be, it will be later. You don't need to see his face right now.

Go to IC and really think about what you want.

So sorry!

UKgirl posted 8/26/2013 16:31 PM

Hi and welcome to SI.

These are early days and it is quite understandable that you feel this way. For some people, this behaviour is a deal breaker. They know they are never going to get over it and so the best thing for them is to cut the ties and move on before it kills them.

You owe him nothing. Zilch. Nada. He wants reconciliation because he doesn’t want to lose his comfortable life. Well, show him what life without you is like. Kick him out for a while and see how you feel after a month or two. Separate your finances and do not do anything for him. Nothing. And if you get back together, it should be on the understanding he stands on his own two feet, earns his own money and makes an effort to put in to the relationship instead of just taking.

Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop making excuses and blaming you for HIS poor choices. His choice to have an affair is nothing to do with you and everything to do with his selfishness. Tell him to have a long hard look in the mirror and see who and what he really is. And then tell him to make up his mind who and what he wants to be, find a way to get there and be a decent human being instead of a selfish prick.

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Eat little and often, smoothies are good. Stay away from alcohol. Get some fresh air and exercise. Talk to friends. If you can, pamper yourself with a facial or a body massage. Go to your doctor for some ADs or sleeping tabs if you feel you can’t cope, there are some that are light weight and just enough to take the edge off.

Don’t let him pass guilt onto you. Don’t. It’s not your fault – the flaw is in him. Step back, step away from him and take care of YOU.

Hugs hon

SoLost1545 posted 8/26/2013 16:33 PM

I wanted to reply to one of your other comments.
You can have PTSD from many's not just for war vets.
My WH is in the military, been deployed to Afghanistan (to which he was in a combat outpost), but he doesn't suffer from PTSD...I, on the other hand, had a very bad childhood (traumatic at times), and I suffer from PTSD.
So, to reiterate, it's NOT only for war vets.

Lionne posted 8/26/2013 16:50 PM

You are a perfect example of what we all try to tell ourselves, the cheating isn't about who or what we were, its about who and what they are. You aren't the first accomplished, generous, beautiful and faithful woman to be crapped on and you won't be the last. No matter what, you didn't deserve it. None of us do. And you have justifiable trauma, don't think that you don't.
There is no reason on earth he should be entitled to a second Chance. That comes only if you really want to give it to him. Take some time apart and you chose. Its all about you now.

Oh, and if it hasn't already been done, TELL THE OWs HUSBAND.-- He deserves to know and all of you need STD testing. :(

HURTAGAIN1981 posted 8/26/2013 16:59 PM

Forgive me for sounding dense, but isn't a cousin a blood relative? Would this not be classed as incest?

velvethammer posted 8/26/2013 17:01 PM

Quick response as I'm in between jobs. I called the OW husband right away and WBF apologized to him and answered whatever questions he had while she screamed "nothing happened" over and over in the background. She's a lying POS. I also got tested for everything and am fortunately clean. Very lucky considering the whore was flirt texting with other men including her husband's boss while on the romantic vacation with my BF/her cousin.

CharlieFoxtrot posted 8/26/2013 17:05 PM

At one point, the touch of X was like a million pin pricks and the sound of his voice literally made me throw up. When I left, I got tremors just seeing his name in my inbox.

There is a better life than this, and you are worth it.

Lionne posted 8/26/2013 17:23 PM

There are times when cheating, even if it's a one time thing, is just a deal breaker. I stayed. For many reasons that were practical and had to do with time, age and financial spiderwebs. I do not have a "healthy" "normal" marriage and probably will never have that. If I had had a crystal ball at age 26 I would have run for my life. I may not have been a cheerleader but I, Too, was attractive, accomplished, and supportive to my partner. He, too, grew to resent me, abuse me and cheat on me with low life cretins.
Run. Find someone who will cherish you.

purplejacket4 posted 8/26/2013 19:55 PM

If you don't have kids I'd advise you to cut and run. I mean you have not said ONE redeemable thing about this guy. Get out for God's sake!

Bloomsday posted 8/26/2013 20:18 PM

You have had great success and have demonstrated your expertise at learning, excelling, and achieving. Consider this a tough lesson learned. You did not fail this test - - the experiment showed the truth. It is your job to see it.

blindsided03 posted 8/26/2013 20:30 PM

hey, my ex_H did this too. He's borderline. I went out of town to do a well-paid, coveted modeling gig and while I was gone, he was so worried I was screwing the owner of the magazine (because "the internet says that everyone does") that he went out and had his own affairs. Granted, I wasn't doing anything, which made his attempts at making himself feel better (because he had a secret that made him "powerful") all the more ridiculous than they were to begin with. Don't worry about it if you don't want to hug him--I know this useless type who sits around playing VGs all day and expects fame and fortune and brilliance to just fall into their lap. They're called narcissists and the comorbidity with borderline PD is 37%. Unfortunately, this translates into lazy and vindictive. Like you, I'm a really high achiever and men tend to feel emasculated. I'm doing my masters, I'm a third year med student, I have modeling agencies in about twenty different countries, and I also happen to be a brand ambassador for a great big brand in the USA. None of these things are bad, but when you're standing next to a guy like ours, they get jealous. Mine always saw me as competition; he never thought that what I was doing would make a better life for us and our children. No, that wasn't him. He said once, "I didn't realize big things for you didn't mean big things for 'us.'" Ummmmm wtf? I dont really know what to tell you, buddy, but that was unsupportive and really, really weird. Like, the brand I work for doesn't take men. It's not like in med school when I scored higher on every exam and you had a legitimate chance to do something with yourself and maybe even do better than me. I dno, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and it's hard to accept that when you have everything going for you and a man feels like you don't "need" him that he'll do this. I don't think all men will, but women like us want love to go on top of our accomplishments. I think that's what makes us so inclined for those borderlines who fall in love easily. It's like, we have everything we want, so when a guy gives that much attention at the beginning, we think it's because it's warranted for our accomplishments and how hard we've worked. The truth is, healthy people don't develop attachments this fast...even if we are both successful and smart.

I really regret the fact that I left someone for this guy. I mean, I left him because he was too busy for me and I loved how much attention I got from my idiot STBXH. I'm sure I enabled STBXH, though. It's frustrating, but I thought I could "fix" him, too, in the beginning. This is the second time he cheated, so it was easier to come to terms with the leaving thing. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it does mean that I can look forward to the fact that this is the last time he'll ever be able to make me hurt.

I think, ultimately, that's the choice you have to make.

Either way, you're going to hurt right now. Is he worth hurting for again or do you want to be sure that this is the last time?

Do you want a real man, or do you really want incest to be a legitimate part of your life?....and not just when flipping through channels and landing on Jerry Springer.

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