Anyway, I'm debating whether to ask for full disclosure/timeline or not. Seems like the more I find out the more triggers I have to deal with. I'm wondering if it would be easier to just put it behind me and try to move on.
We both understand he has issues he needs to work on, by himself or with a counselor, for our marriage to improve & last, dare I say forever?
I would like to hear the advantages & disadvantages of getting/not getting full disclosure/timeline.
I would suggest you insist on full disclosue NOW. Right now..while the pain is still very fresh. I know..that sounds like torture. BUT..it will help you down the road,as you try to R. There will be no TT(trickle truth), because you already know all there is to know. TT basically reopens all the wounds,and you have to start healing all over.
Also..how can you move forward..and know what it is you are dealing with..unless you know everything?
Some BS's don't want the sexual details..some do. Whatever you feel is right for you,is right for you. But you need full disclosure.
I don't see any advantages for not getting a timeline or full disclosure. You need to know what your WH has done..you need to know the truth about your marriage.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I agree that I do not ever want to know very intimate details but a true timeline and the acknowledgement of the lies told to me would still help me today. Knowledge is power, otherwise you live with the feeling that everyone else knows more than you do. Like an 'in' joke that you were never 'in' on.
Clean slate, open book, full disclosure all sound like safer places to R from than secretville.
That doesn't mean that it is over, that further disclosure may not be necessary or wanted later, just that it is what you want in the here and now.
Your WS needs to commit to giving you that disclosure, to the degree that you request it, when you request it. Understanding fully that your requests may change over time.
What they can do now is work on the timeline and details and fill that in, for themselves, and make sure they put the most excruciating details down in case they are asked for in the future. Keep this locked up, you don't want visitors or kids finding it.
The truth hurts--but not as much as the wall that secrets erects between partners.
No truer statement can be said.
The most important thing is that secrets die. You may not want to know what he did in a particular place or time, but he needs to be knowledgeable about and willing to let you know the unvarnished truth about what took place in the place and time if and when you ask for that, not keeping a secret about it, building that wall that impairs intimacy.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
But on the flip side, I didn't want to give details, I didn't want to hurt him.
Learning to breathe again - one day at a time
We separated shortly after dday for 18 months. When we decided to R I asked if I knew everything, he assured me that I did. I DID NOT.
I never wanted details. I wanted WHO & WHEN.
I am still not sure I know who and when. I was lied to so many times that I will never believe him even if he is telling the truth.
For me, the big blow was that it happened at all, not "how many times they had sex" or "where", or any of those other things. Those are the minor bads, under the big hurt of the affair.
That, and my WW only had so many free times during the month (ish) of the affair, I can pretty much figure out when and where if I put in 5 minutes' work.
It was important to me, though, that she write it down. The simple act of doing that, at least for her, helps prevent any rugsweeping, any dimnishing of what was done.
I don't want to punish her (well, not really), I just want her able to be honest with herself and with me.
It also helped for me to 'confess' some things to him as well. I confessed that I had creeped old boyfriends on facebook. I confessed that I had thought about having an affair with our daughter's soccer coach. We confessed all manner of things to each other, until we actually felt like we were known by the other person. To be KNOWN and loved? Amazing.
There's pretty much nothing that anyone can tell me about my H that I don't already know. There are no 'bombs' to be dropped on me by the OW. I know my H. That is a big advantage, and one that, for me, far, far outweighs any disadvantages.
Disadvantages: Once you know it, you can't un-know it. It might actually be more than you can handle, and you will wish you had stayed blissfully ignorant. (Except, I was never 'blissfully' ignorant; just ignorant and confused and frustrated and always wondering what I was doing wrong. Unless you married a sociopath, their lies will have affected their relationship with you, whether you knew it or not).
I wish I had never asked if they had 'a song'. It stabs every time I hear it on the radio, over the intercom in the grocery store, wherever. I wish I didn't have mind-movies to cope with. I'm hoping they go away with time. I was staggered at the depth of his cruelty to me, his absolute disrespect and disregard for my life and our life together - it went so over-the-top that I think it repulsed him when he began to confess it. It helped with his repentance, which helped with my healing. Advantage/disadvantage? Depends on what you need to heal, ultimately - with or without him. But if you're choosing 'with', I think you really do need to have full disclosure.
I got a prescription for AD's immediately upon finding out, so that has helped me to pace my grieving.
My SAWH is just starting to work on his disclosure so we will see what happens with that. His CSAT has told me he may not be at the point of being empathetic enough to know the effects it has had on our relationship over the course of our marriage, so it may take awhile to write his disclosure. I have a hunch that there is much more.
What helped me deal with some of the anger was that at the suggestion of our MC, I created my own timeline of the A and described how I was feeling. Lonely, distant from him, like a roommate and head nanny/housekeeper. We were leading very separate lives. Anyway, I am ready to share this with him soon. It's my hope that it will start to show him the trail of devastation.
As for me, I want a timeline of what happened/when and I want to know about trips they took and plans to be together (my H is a horrible planner so I am pretty sure it was her doing all of the planning). I don't want to know about sex details. I'd like to know about strip clubs/porn usage because I think it is important to show him that this, too, hurts our relationship.
Advantages: you know what you need to heal from. You hit a true bottom and can only go up from there.
Disadvantages: it may be far worse than you originally thought. He may not reveal everything and if you find out something in the future it will make you mad that he did not disclose it.
How did I know I had it all? My gut stopped screaming. Until then we had to go through probably 12 more minor reveals and 2 major.
Yes, the major points of fact are the most important to have in order to move forward in any direction. The details are questionable if they need to be known on an individual basis.
4+ years of TT sucks big time. You are never given the opportunity to begin to work through it and heal.
I begged from the beginning to "lay it all out on the table". I knew it would hurt, but I just didn't want any more secrets or surprises.
SAWH liked his secrets and so I am a "poster child for hearing TT" and it kills me.
You have to know for yourself, but if it was me, I would want full disclosure.