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JustAShadow posted 8/26/2013 13:40 PM

Hi All,

I'm selfishly putting out a duplicate post today. I need some support (which can include 2x4s). For those of you who have kindly supported me in the past - if you remember my story from this spring I've moved forward at the pace of a tortoise. I'm in IC (for about 7 weeks) and the WH's PA has moved to a 'not just friends' EA and I have a place to move to available to me. I've not been able to move out due to the last few weekends out of town so it has allowed me to be essentially avoidant on that action.

I'm a quick learner but a VERY SLOW implementer and a total glutton for punishment...here's my recent tale.

In the meantime WH has been telling me how much he wants me to stay...and contrasting that with a continued EA (although basically restricted to what he can get away with at work). We got into a fight when I found out he walked with her to his car after work last week (because it was a 'friendly' walk to their cars which were, of course, right next to eachother).

Last night we had a good talk where he answered questions about the start of their A a year and a half ago. He even relayed the details of their conversation on Friday. It was wholly inappropriate in that he told her details about our fight that day. She of course jumped in with 'why doesn't she just leave?' and 'are you safe?' and 'do you want to crash at my place?'. He of course found this very supportive (because he has no one else to talk to) and it made him feel better.

Even with hearing that I kept it together while I was relating to him that this entire conversation is inappropriate to have with her. He agreed that he would not say these things to other co-workers but he could tell her because 'he needed to find out if I had talked to her and he needed to relay to her that this (our fights) are the reason that he can't go out to lunch with her or see her after work. That it's because of me he can't do this not because of anything that she has done.

I still kept it in and relayed to him how, based upon what he told me, he did not convey any of that (what he says he intended to convey) and what he actually did was present himself to her as the victim in this situation (and I reminded him that he has told me many times that I should not act a victim because I have done the same things he is doing...and he didn't demand that I end my As). In his conversation he also referred to me as 'irrationally jealous'. I've told him many times, including last week, that the only people I've been jealous of are the two that he has told he loved and wanted to leave me for. And that it seemed to me a reasonable reaction to be fearful (since jealousy is fear based) of those two people for that reason.

After about 3 hours of talking...not in agreement...but talking he wanted to end the conversation. I wanted to keep going but I put my respectful hat on and we agreed to talk again tonight.

Here's where it gets (even) worse. Or, IMO, THE worst of the evening.

I start to spontaneously cry - not bawling but tears (of stress release I believe) were streaming down my face for about 2 - 3 minutes. He said, "Stop doing that or I'm not going to talk to you again about this".

I asked if he was being sarcastic or serious (because his attempts at sarcasm are indistinguishable from being serious). He said he was serious 'we had a good conversation where we kept our emotions in check and now you are emotional for no reason'.

I explained that this was just a release of stress and he should not admonish me for showing emotions especially since I was not 'directing' these tears at him. It was just a stress release. His response, 'well, I just can't deal with your emotions'.

I left the room and went to mine.

This morning things were cool. He came to my room to say he was leaving for work and saw I was reading something. He asked what I was reading and I showed him the 'Not Just Friends' book. He gave an annoyed/dismissive look and walked away.

I texted him and asked him for tonight to think of 3 concrete action items he would like me to do in the next month to make him feel loved/supported. I said I would think of 3 that he could do for me. I also said that one of them should not be him saying 'don't check up on me' and I wouldn't say 'don't talk to your AP') since we clearly will not agree to do either of those. He has not responded at all to those (I wasn't expecting an answer but an 'ok' would have been something).

I know that this is all wrong. Every bit of it. Everything he is doing and everything I am doing. I think I'm feeling guilty because (gaslighting) and he said that he feels like my making requests of him (demands as he says) makes him feel bullied - especially since he did not act the same towards me during my As.

And it's also because I'm still scared of him blaming me for the dissolution of our relationship. I know that is what he will do - regardless of the current circumstances - it will be rewritten in his head as him 'trying' (because he's no longer sleeping with her and he's no longer having dates with her - if you don't count the occasional lunch to a fast food restaurant. The last that I know about being 4 weeks ago).

My life mantra has been - I don't need to be given the praise, I just don't want to be the reason for blame. (Yes, working on this in IC).

OK, let those 2x4s come. I'm ready.

ETA: I will also add that Friday morning (when I confronted him about the previous night's 'happy walk to their cars') that he was texting me saying how much he did not want to split up and to please not say we were done. Then later in the afternoon he texted and had a very defiant tone ('fine, leave' kind of thing). I was curious about the change and it makes total sense now because the defiant texts were after his conversation with his AP.

ETA2: When I've done the 180 I also get comments that I'm being 'emotionally manipulative' and that his always having to think about 'is JAS having me followed or thinking I'm with my AP right now?' is "emotional torture" for him.

I've got a doozy here, don't I?!

ETA3: Sorry this is so long!

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 2:05 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

silverhopes posted 8/26/2013 14:13 PM

I have a place to move to available to me.

Are you able to move to this place? I know you don't want to, but he is not ending his affair, and he's continuing to treat you disrespectfully. Do you ever have days where you don't see him or see him very little - and you feel more peaceful? If you find being without him to be peaceful, it might be a good thing to think about making a permanent move and going total NC with him.

If this is hard to think about, start the 180. This relationship is not healthy, and you need to take care of yourself. He's not being your teammate right now. A real teammate doesn't continue their affair and make their partner feel badly for having emotions.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 2:13 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

JustAShadow posted 8/26/2013 14:32 PM

Silverhopes - thank you.

Yes, there are times that I do feel more at peace without him around. On Friday morning I felt sad but a sense of security in having told him that we were over.

That lasted until his defiant-tone text which, while it didn't make me fold, it did alter my sense of calm in a weird sort of way...maybe my childish side came out because I really wanted him to be sad. He doesn't feel remorse I know that. The 'best' I can get is situational sadness. How he moves on from these situations is that he is nice as if none of it happened. (Let's go see a movie...)

This weekend I'm in town so I really should make it happen this weekend.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 2:34 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

emotionalgirl posted 8/26/2013 14:43 PM

Hi justashadow....wow you really have a heck of a situation. My WH had EA refused to see his "friendship"as an EA. he snuck around and lied to see her and told her things about our marriage that he should have been coming to me with...these are all the hallmarks of an EA as we know. Because he was so deep in the fog he would not look at it this way.

I started IC and my C asked me to figure out what attracted me to WH in the beginning and if those things applied still, if they did not then I needed to figure out why I was in the relationship 25 yrs or not. She also advocated a version of 180 where I put me first. Not completely cut my WH off just put me in the #1 spot and start doing things for me.

Well let me tell you...I woke up one morning and decided that I was worth more than the asshat was making me feel I was worth. I sat him down and had what I call the "come to Jesus" conversation where I laid out my limits and boundaries...NC, TT, to start, he tried to interrupt I cut him off and told him this was my turn to talk. He pouted and said I just didnt want him to have friends ( can anyone say cake eating) The next morning I moved into our spare room. He begged me not to then resorted to telling me I was being selfish and stupid. I told him that was coming from the king of selfish and stupid...I then laid out what it would take for me to truly consider R. I hired myself a personal trainer and started a diet, separated my money from his and started to arrange dates with girlfriends for myself. I quit cooking anything but what I felt like for supper and stopped doing his laundry and packing his lunch etc. if the asshat wants to act like he is single he can see what it is like to live that way too. The idiot actually asked me to pay his cell phone bill the ther day. I laughed and told him that single men pay their own bills....his response" but I'm married". My response "nice that you conveniently remembered that now". He walked away kind of stupefied!

I found a great pair of bitch boots, laced em up tight and I'm not taken em off till I'm damn good and ready. Funny thing is my WH realized I mean business and called an IC and went NC. We are not in R too soon for that, but things look more positive.

Try to persevere with the 180 even if it is only a version of. It will make you strong and give you confidence in yourself. Who knows...one of two things can happen, he wakes up and realizes what he has to loose or you wake up and realize you have become so strong and Independant that you don't need the asshat anymore. (((Hugs)))

SI Staff posted 8/26/2013 14:53 PM

JustAShadow,

Please do not post duplicate threads in multiple forums.

Please refer to the thread in ICR for responses.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=450232&AP=961

Thank you.