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Be "smart" a don't remarry!

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FightingBack posted 8/26/2013 13:44 PM

At a get together last weekend, my 75 year old BIL , widowed two years ago, joked about finding a younger woman but said that he would never get married again.

My H replied. "That's smart"

This really bugged me. Maybe I took it too personally, but I felt that he should defend marriage at this point in our recovery not knock it.

I think I over-reacted because later, I told him that he shouldn't let his disillusionment with marriage, influence comments to other people. The person in this case is so terribly lonely and would probably love to find someone to care for.

H claims he is not disillusioned with marriage. Guys sometimes talk this way to each other.

My feelings were hurt. Was I wrong?

silverhopes posted 8/26/2013 14:06 PM

I can see why your feelings are hurt. After all, aren't you giving him a precious gift by offering R after his A? Isn't the marriage now a precious gift that he nearly destroyed? And he's saying to someone else that not getting married again is smart? Do you wonder what that says about his own mindframe? Is it that, if he had it to do again, he wouldn't get married at all (invalidating) - or is it that, if he had it to do again, he would get married and then NOT have an affair? Hard to know where he's coming from. I can see why you're bugged by his comment.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/26/2013 14:16 PM

I am sorry that his comments hurt you. And you have every right to be hurt by them.

I work in a very male dominated field. I hear comments like that all the time. They are said in a machismo joking manner. That doesn't excuse it at all or make them any less obnoxious.

FightingBack posted 8/26/2013 15:24 PM

Thank you both. I wonder often if I'm being overly sensitive. I'm glad to know I wasn't over-reacting.

Ashland13 posted 8/26/2013 15:36 PM

The people who I know who are BS or divorced and it wasn't their idea have mentioned this type of thing before.

It's also my thought that your H should (ETA) not have said something like that, during R, no... and I also think that you have a right to be both sensitive and oversensitive at present. I know that I am as well, though not R, and that it takes quite some time to come back down from it.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 3:36 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Ostrich80 posted 8/26/2013 16:12 PM

Yea FB..that was rude and hurtful. He's lucky he's still M, some ws don't get that gift.

UKgirl posted 8/26/2013 16:43 PM

Being smart is staying faithful to your wife!

It would be smart if your BIL found love at this time of his life rather than just "a younger woman" If he has enough money, he can do that anyway. But where's the comfort in that?

Sorry FB, he's doing stupid well.

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