How do you do it? I have so much hurt, anger, betrayal, confusion, resentment, etc, are people expected to just act normal when you have the rug pulled out from underneath you and your h and bff is hurting you and your family so immensely??
How to handle?
No matter what you WANT to say to him, don't do it. Type it out and delete it. Post it here. Scream it into a pillow. Just do NOT say it or send it to him.
We call NC **crickets** around here. What it means is no response. The only response they'll get is the sound of crickets. Chirp chirp.
((((hugs))))
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
What we face when asking what you are is multi-faceted or multi-layered and we often have to work it out for ourselves...people told me time and time again at the get-go to go NC and I simply could not do it. I went into some kind of almost OCD mode, but part of it was not knowing if he was alive or dead, for a time because he went into hiding.
Truly, WH is not your friend right now and Nearly Exh is not my friend right now-getting to accept that goes along way because it could help you ultimately choose to look for another outlet, which is what you sound like you may need. I know I did along the timeframe you are at.
He does not want to hear what you will want to say and it is likely to backfire. Also, if there is an OW, something that keeps me in check is the thought of them whooping it up at my expense.
I wish you peace from those feelings and thoughts and hope you find a place to put them.
ETA that it's not so much "normal" that it is hoped you may act, but over time perhaps you'll arrive at some indifference...for instance, much of the time now I can be the stone-faced person that Nearly Exh always wanted, but now it irks him because he knows less and less about me.
It is a place of no reaction to your WH that is the ultimate goal, for it is your heart and soul's protection that will come from it and well being will follow in time.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 5:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
Personally, I can't. Even 7 months later. But I found that I can ignore him and say all the shit I'd like to say to myself when he dares text me like he is a human-being rather than a POS with legs that I know him to be. Then I answer him with as few words as possible and go back to NC. NC works. I let loose here and with people I can trust IRL. Having any kind of contact with him in person makes me sick and is the opposite of healing.
It took many slaps in the face but it finally sunk in that when I took an opportunity to vent my feelings to him, it gave him life. He is an internally dead MF'er who can't connect to or express the pain he has inside without using another person. He doesn't give a shit how I feel and will use my emotions as an opportunity to express his feelings in a way that hurts me even more. He is too consumed with himself to care about me or our kids feelings so now I know not to talk about the kids emotions with him either. I have to express those feelings in any way other than directly to him.
Going to him would be like being bit by a dog and then going back to that dog and telling it how much it hurt you to be bitten. The dog bites you again! He's like an animal, if it doesn't hurt him he couldn't care less if it's hurting you.
I need to be practicing this House. I begged the first few months, but as I became increasingly more angry, I would lash out and I do still unleash on him after 7 months.
So, I swore to myself that I will not speak with him except about the kids or money for at least 20 days.
He came to the house to pick up kids at 3:45 and I even let him in. He can't even look at me, and I looked right at him and said "you may come in" and the kids were kind of looking at me, looking at him, like "what is going on" I wasn't nice or rude or anything, just there. I know it is hard for them to see that, and I know someday I will get to a point where I can at least be civil for their sake, but man is it hard when you really want to beat the living daylights out of this person. I want to punch his face in. Twist his hehaw off and shove it down his throat. I want to make him sob and cry and hurt like I hurt.
And he is just a robot, and apparently that is right out of the Douchbag Husband handbook as it seems to have happened to many others. I guess it they try to find any one else to blame but themselves. FInding a way to say our marraige so so bad, and SEE you hate me SEE we can't communicate SEE you treat me horrible.
Well, not getting off the hook that easy. I am going to make him squirm now. He served me D papers and now he will just have to sit there and wait, wait and wait some more while I play I play it cool. He is already so scared, the "crickets" as you say will scare him even more....
NC creates a barrier between you and your WS to protect you from their venom. ( that could be ignoring your pain, adding to your pain, playing with your feelings, saying horrible things to you, etc..). You have to keep yourself safe, and remaining NC is the only way to protect yourself.
We are hear to listen to all those things you want to say. Let it out here or in your car, but don't give the WS more ammo to inflict pain- they absolutely thrive on that.
Cheating scusband
Counseling Counseling Counseling
And then more counseling.
Counseling, SI, journaling, praying, telling everyone, counseling.
I have not gotten this far alone, nor has it be easy. I have fully surrendered myself to the idea that I will be completely transformed by this. The past 2+ years have been my crucible. I'll never be the same, but I'm a much better person than I ever could have been without this destruction.
Now I treat my WH as a guest in his own home. I can politely ask if he wants a water or can I get you a soda, beer while he waits for kids. I have even asked him to stay for dinner. The kids see me as calm and he does not know how to react. I can see it drives him crazy. He wants me loco. It relieves his guilt and does not help you. Save it and harness the anger to assist you to move on.
DON'T REACT! Concentrate on you. Revenge is a life well lived.
In the beginning, it simply hurt too much to see now-ex, so I avoided it whenever possible. My sister helped remind me, on a daily basis, of all the stupid, selfish shit ex did, which kept me mad instead of sad. And I dug deep inside to re-find my stubborn side, because I knew that part of me wouldn't let me give ex and OW the satisfaction of knowing how much I was hurting. My life was none of their damn business, from then on.
((sleepless34))
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel Like you're less than, less than perfect
And I am prepared for meeting with the Divorce therapist/child therapist on Wednesday. I am going to make him talk first. I am not going to get upset. I am going to only talk about the kids and how we can communicate better as it relates to the kids.
I know my emotions and anger only give him what he wants. So I am going to give him nothing.
He is probably sitting around in his new shitty apartment with nothing in it feeling sorry for himself. Missing our nice house and cute kids. Eating take out and sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Maybe going to see the Ho, maybe not, since I told him I knew where she lived and that I always know when OUR car is there(when I was speaking to him) So, that scared him into thinking I am having him followed or at least made him paranoid enough to be inconvenienced. He was doing this sneaking around so well before, I never suspected and he did whatever he wanted...now he feels he has to be careful, hide things. I drove by there once weeks ago, could care less now what he and that broken skank loser do together, just want him to squirm!!!! And now the silence will drive him bonkers because I am not a silent girl.....
Actions only speak to these people.
We all feel your pain and confusion.
No, you only have to act normal around them. vent to your IC to us, etc.
They are addicted to the other person like a teenager who is addicted to heroin. Talking gets you no where with a person out of their mind. Calm. deep breathing. stay in reality. Let them live in denial. Show them you are centered. Keep going to counseling. it will get u thru this trauma.
me BS 52 him - 46 married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12 children - ds15 ds12 d-day 12-19-11 I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day Divorce filed
We as the BS often remember them as the way we saw them in the marriage for awhile too. That is not who they really are and it takes us time, hurt, and anger to finally see them for the broken people they really are. We can't imagine them being this person that would throw everything away for some low-life, but that is exactly what they have done. Some of them do eventually come out of the "fog" and realize how much they screwed up and what they are losing and want to fix it, but unfortunately some of them never do. It just takes the BS time to figure out who they really are.
I was broken and crying and sad and shaking. I did however see him for who he really is. A pathetic, weak, scared, broken person who has made terrible choices for himself and who has NO IDEA the impact to the other people involved- me, the kids, his family, my family.
I realized I will never get anything satisfying from him. He has nothing to give me. He may never get it. He is running so fast at this brick wall ahead of him, I hope if F**King kills him when he hits it.....
are people expected to just act normal when you have the rug pulled out from underneath you and your h and bff is hurting you and your family so immensely??
It's been three years for me and I don't act normal to someone who could do something like this to me. I talk to him as little as possible. Answering texts or emails only as necessary and with as few words as possible. I avoid seeing him in person as much as I can. I keep him out of my life as much as I can. I wish he could be gone completely but we have two small kids together.
I called, begged, wrote letters telling him how hurt I was for a long time. Once it sunk in that he really didn't care and that my letters were probably fueling his over-inflated ego, I stopped. I realized I was looking for comfort from a profoundly fucked up human being who didn't give a shit about me or what he did. Fuck him. I'm no healed, but I'm in a much better place having stopped communicating with him.
When I first moved out, I was still calling her once in a while to ask about her cheating. She said, "I have told you I did nothing wrong. We are done talking about my virtue."
And really, she did me a favour. I'm never going to get any answers from her. I still have a really hard time with NC, and receive regular 2x4s from my SI friends telling me to stop talking to her. I'm not sure why I have such a problem with that: The woman I thought I was married to never existed.
NC really is the best policy.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
Last night I made a mistake. He was talking via face time with the kids, DD actually called him about a homework question. BOth kids were both sitting there, excited to speak with him, and after a few minutes he was saying he had to go, because there was some one there he had to have a meeting with.
Well, I just snapped and walked over and said "Yeah, I am sure Daddy has something more important he has to do now" and I hung it up.
My DD said "Mom, that is so rude, I can't believe you did that"
Then the phone rings, she answered it, spoke with him a minute, he said he was at the Doctors. At 7pm? Sends me text on other line that he is at his therapist. Really, then why answer the call? Who goes to therapist at 7pm?
He wanted to speak with me and I walked into the other room and said "you can't spend time talking to your kids because your priority is -insert Slag name her. It makes me sick." Then he said again, "I am at the therapist."
Well, I feel HORRIBLE for acting out in front of the kids. Absolutely like shit.
The older one said "Mom, I am just really mad at both of you because you don't love eachother anymore" and the little one cried and said "I just want to understand WHY you don't love eachother anymore, but you can still love us, how is love different? -she is way to smart for 2nd grade btw- AND she said "I know it is not your fault mommy, Daddy said it was something he did, but WHAT DID HE DO??"
OMG. Minefield. He thinks I am exagerating how the kids are dealing with this. REally? Because I am their primary and he is but a mere ghost in the house who might be engaged all of 15-30 minutes with them every day- he doesn't see their confusion, hurt and pain.
AND YES, I messed up. I am human, I let me hurt and pain out in front of them and I feel sooooooooo bad.
I tried to be as neutral and as honest as was appropriate. I told them that when people are married, the make vows, and when someone breaks those vows sometimes you aren't sure if you can be together anymore. I said it is going to be okay, and I am sorry you saw Mommy mad, Mommy is upset right now and it is going to get better, I promise, I won't always be upset. We are going to be ok.
UGH. UGH. UGH. I was beating myself up about it because he is going to use it against me, but WTF I am only human. I didn't cause all this shit, he did. He built the bomb, planned the bomb, dropped the bomb. I am just a survivor in the rubble.
Going to the Divorce counselor for separating parents today with him. UGH. Scared and relieved. I hate having to see him, but we need to get to a place where we can get on the same page for the sake of the kids and get them some support......
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
It is so very hard to maintain NC. Prior to filing, when I was still in limbo, it was pure hell--NC with the woman I'd spend every day with for twelve years. Serious withdrawals.
After filing, it became easier, for my NC has been sustained by anger. And I finally recognized that when I have any contact with her--even texting--I am left shaken emotionally.
Now that we are divorcing and the ugliness has begun, I find myself thinking about what she is saying to her attorney, what she is "plotting," what craziness she has in store for me. I am working on controlling this, as it is out of my control. And the only way is NC.
But we all falter. Last night she texted me to let her know when the kids are going to bed so she can call for goodnight. I was at a neighborhood party with the kids at the time. Now, I could have just texted, "OK." And I should have.
(Or of course not responded; it shouldn't be up to me to keep her apprised of bedtimes when they are with me. She can call my son's phone.)
Instead, I texted, "OK, but it will take awhile, as we are at neighbor's pool party..."
Unconsciously I wanted her to know what she was missing--what she had given up. So I still have my moments when I want her to return to the human, wife, and mother I thought she was and come back to us.
But now I know the motivations behind my breaking NC, and next time I will do better. You can too. Fall down? Just keep going. It is all about control. You can't control him, but you can control yourself, and thus preserve your sanity in this terrible time.
Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. -Dune
