Thank you. I have been doing crickets now since Saturday, and it does keep me sane.
Last night I made a mistake. He was talking via face time with the kids, DD actually called him about a homework question. BOth kids were both sitting there, excited to speak with him, and after a few minutes he was saying he had to go, because there was some one there he had to have a meeting with.
Well, I just snapped and walked over and said "Yeah, I am sure Daddy has something more important he has to do now" and I hung it up.
My DD said "Mom, that is so rude, I can't believe you did that"
Then the phone rings, she answered it, spoke with him a minute, he said he was at the Doctors. At 7pm? Sends me text on other line that he is at his therapist. Really, then why answer the call? Who goes to therapist at 7pm?
He wanted to speak with me and I walked into the other room and said
"you can't spend time talking to your kids because your priority is -insert Slag name her. It makes me sick."
Then he said again, "I am at the therapist."
Well, I feel HORRIBLE for acting out in front of the kids. Absolutely like shit.
The older one said "Mom, I am just really mad at both of you because you don't love eachother anymore" and the little one cried and said "I just want to understand WHY you don't love eachother anymore, but you can still love us, how is love different? -she is way to smart for 2nd grade btw-
AND she said "I know it is not your fault mommy, Daddy said it was something he did, but WHAT DID HE DO??"
OMG. Minefield. He thinks I am exagerating how the kids are dealing with this. REally? Because I am their primary and he is but a mere ghost in the house who might be engaged all of 15-30 minutes with them every day- he doesn't see their confusion, hurt and pain.
AND YES, I messed up. I am human, I let me hurt and pain out in front of them and I feel sooooooooo bad.
I tried to be as neutral and as honest as was appropriate. I told them that when people are married, the make vows, and when someone breaks those vows sometimes you aren't sure if you can be together anymore. I said it is going to be okay, and I am sorry you saw Mommy mad, Mommy is upset right now and it is going to get better, I promise, I won't always be upset. We are going to be ok.
UGH. UGH. UGH. I was beating myself up about it because he is going to use it against me, but WTF I am only human. I didn't cause all this shit, he did. He built the bomb, planned the bomb, dropped the bomb. I am just a survivor in the rubble.
Going to the Divorce counselor for separating parents today with him. UGH. Scared and relieved. I hate having to see him, but we need to get to a place where we can get on the same page for the sake of the kids and get them some support......
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!