The A becomes more real and I am going through details that I have to accept and process to move on. With each process it gets harder and a little better if that makes any sense. The realization of my WH's A came full force in year 2 and also the awareness that our M history will always have this kink (A's) in it. That is my experience though, everyone's is different. If you have a remorseful spouse from day 1 I imagine year 2 must go a lot easier.
We thought we had arrived. We started slacking on our progress both individually and together. Life again turned "normal". I slipped into a deep depression. It could have been the Plain of Leathal Flattness. Forget about the A, I thought about how traumatic year one was. How this shit consumed a year of my life so far and there was no end insight. I could not find joy or motivation in anything. This lasted from months 14-20.
We started working on moving forward again. Started doing all the things we had stopped doing. We turned toward each other again. We started making every moment count. Working on ourselves and together.
It has gotten a lot better since then. I am looking forward to our future again.
I am finding that in some ways, year 2 can be more difficult than year 1.
a) H was more than happy to make changes to make me happy right after the A. But getting him to actually keep up with them...a whole different story. It's kind of like when I get my bedroom cleaned and I have the best intentions of keeping it cleaned and not letting it get to be a big mess again. But devoloping new patterns and not falling back into old patterns. This is hard.
b) the first year after the A, H was much more sympathetic about how I was feeling and understanding about my extremely conservative values. As more and more time has passed since A, he is getting more of an "omg, you are still on THAT?" and "you still don't trust me?" attitude, which I don't like and find offensive.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
"you still don't trust me?"
this is the question that I am not looking forward too...I am still in yr 1 and I have zero trust - I don't think we'll rebuild trust by year 2 and I think he'll be tired of proving himself, being sorry etc...but honestly, I think if he kept it in his pants we'd still have trust.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
I think if he kept it in his pants we'd still have trust.
Honestly, I don't know what to expect. This has been exhausting....
Coming up on 1 year antiversary myself (less then 2 weeks)...don't have any great plans to deal with that...not sure if that is good or bad.
On your other post it sounds as if your wife is really committed to working on herself and your marriage.
I would say try to take every moment as it comes....and do the most positive action associated with that moment when you can.
I will add you to my specific prayer list. I just have your SI nickname, but God knows who you are, who your wife is. I will pray that you both keep your hearts open and your courage up.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:33 PM, August 26th (Monday)]
For me, I believe the problem is emotional exhaustion.... honestly, the trauma and roller-coaster of Year 1 has taken a toll, I feel like I need a break, I could use a vacation and that ain't happening anytime soon I'm afraid.
We have an appointment scheduled with a therapist on Monday - fWH and I will see her together initially, but I might then opt to have IC with her, I'll see what she says. Hoping that will help me navigate Year 2.
Year 1 was denial through "why/how" for me. I thought that if I dug around enough there would be some answer that would make sense of things.
Year 2, like what several have reported here, was when cold hard reality started to settle in. Less anger-fireworks, more simmering rage as we gathered our wits and were able to assess the scope of the damage with a little more composure. When there wasn't resentment, there was the unsettling numbness.
Year 2 was really hard, in a completely different way than year 1 was hard.
The light at the end of this particular tunnel is that with a solid effort towards healing, acceptance comes just on the heels of allowing reality to settle in, and there is a sort of freedom that comes along with that. You stop fighting the fact that it happened. There's a lot of sadness, but believe me when I tell you that there is some kind of relief when you can look what happened in the face and say, "Ok, so where do I go from here?"
(((Year 2 friends)))
It gets easier.
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
The trouble was that every couple of months I'd see an already known issue in a new light, and that tended to be devastating. I didn't feel awful all the time, but when I did, I almost went into despair. Without SI, my IC would have spent lots of time with me on the phone. With SI, I just posted and got support and guidance way faster than I would have gotten a return phone call.
Without SI, my IC would have spent lots of time with me on the phone.
This sounds just like me
You stop fighting the fact that it happened. There's a lot of sadness, but believe me when I tell you that there is some kind of relief when you can look what happened in the face and say, "Ok, so where do I go from here?"
^ I feel like I am coming closer to this point. It feels familiar just not quite so strong yet.
Great post jrazz
The trouble was that every couple of months I'd see an already known issue in a new light, and that tended to be devastating. I didn't feel awful all the time, but when I did, I almost went into despair.
Wow, so very true for me as well. I would describe it as "delayed processing" or something along those lines.