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To Forget, Ignore or Cherish?

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SixtytoZero posted 8/26/2013 21:49 PM

It has been 2 months since DDay and the lawyers are busy with the draft separation agreement. Divorce is 10 months away. But...

Hardest thing I find is all the good memories and dealing with them. I was married for 24 years with the most beautiful, caring and loving woman only to find out about the last 3 years of betrayal. There was not a single hint of a problem from her.

Every time I see a picture, think of something we did, recall a place we visited, hear a song, etc, I am reminded of all the real and true wonderful experiences we shared together. I want to/should smile. And then the other side of my brain reminds me of a cheating, callous, hurtful liar that still is not telling me the truth today. This just brings out the sorrow (and anger) of the whole situation.

How do you erase, ignore, deal with so much of your life's past so that you can move on? I am doing all the right things I am told - focused on the kids, focussing on me, exercising, digging into work... but there is so much of everyday life that reminds me of what I thought was a wonderful marriage only to then be reminded of how she destroyed it in the past 3 years.

Advice?

Nature_Girl posted 8/26/2013 22:01 PM

You're only two months from DDay? Oh man, it's way too soon to be thinking that you should be all smiles by now. You're still in emotional/psychological shock.

This gets better with time. Lots 'n lots of time. Two months isn't even a blink of the time needed.

click4it posted 8/26/2013 22:53 PM

How do you erase, ignore, deal with so much of your life's past so that you can move on?

You can't. As much as our brain and hearts want to erase all of it so we don't feel it anymore, you just can't. When it was still fresh, I remember someone once telling me that sometimes you have to just walk through the "hell" to make it to the other side. There is no way around it.

It sounds like you are doing great in doing what you can to pick up the pieces and going on with your life - which is no easy feat. You are doing TERRIFIC.

2 months really is very fresh and it will take some time for your heart to catch up with your head. Go easy on yourself and just allow yourself to grieve.

(((((((hugs)))))))

fireproof posted 8/26/2013 23:13 PM

I think everyone has a different explanation or story they tell themselves.

Anger never worked for me it would have helped push me but it isn't within me.

What worked for me was after lots of time being grateful for what I did have and knowing I got to experience that sort of love in my lifetime.

It was a special time. I also told myself my ex changed because truly the person I loved would not and could not do this. People change -simple.

People have said he wasn't the one for you which makes me sad because as much as this hurts to go back and think this was all fake is well depressing, I would like to think I knew my ex at his best then life happened to him and he made bad choices.

The choice I have is to live the best life possible and know in my heart what love I experienced and share that with our child and continue developing myself and be open to finding love again if that is what I choose.

You are still early. The best advice is to be around people you trust to help you and to simplify your life so when the emotional bumps happen you will be prepared. It is a roller coaster of emotions for a while. The only way is through it.

asurvivor posted 8/26/2013 23:46 PM

Man I have been there and let me tell you 2 months is...well just really raw. Getting rid of all that "stuff" takes time...a lot of time. But as they say, it's not just the time it's what you do with that time. If you need help man get it...See a professional and see them as soon as you can. Also, Check out the Betrayed men forum under I can relate. It's for guys just like you who are going through it or have gone through it. Lots of really smart guys who want to help in there.

Do the basics right now...get your sleep (if you need a sleeping aid for awhile get one) Keep exercising the shit out of yourself, eat right... in other words take care of your body as best you can as it is connected to the mind and both are under a lot of stress. You can best deal with this pain and hell if you are healthy. You may be doing this but keep do it.

I'm pretty sure it's impossible to erase what has happened to you but I can assure you that you can survive it, and you can move on. I know how bad you are hurting right now...hell we all do...and I wish there was an easy fix but unfortunately it really really sucks.

[This message edited by asurvivor at 11:49 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

NWfleur posted 8/27/2013 00:04 AM

Time, time, and more time.
The only way out is through. There is no magic cure or way "around" the pain.

You are doing what you can do, you are still in the "raw" stage of this. Dive into the pain and the healing and the mending yourself and your kids. Put your seal belt on for the long and windy ride. It's so hard but it DOES get easier and easier with time.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/27/2013 05:33 AM

18 months out and just now can I start to think happy thoughts again.

cmego posted 8/27/2013 06:28 AM

The first year, I couldn't even breathe. Knowing my entire marriage was a lie, every single memory tainted (my ex is gay...), it was overwhelming. My brain wouldn't allow me to even think. It was trying to reconcile the truth as I thought it was, from the actual truth...from 17 years of memories. It was like swimming through jello.

I put myself in therapy to deal with the grief. I still go, and it has been close to three years.

Now, an occasional happy memory can surface and they aren't so tainted, kinda like another life. Fuzzy memories.

Unfortunately, the only "cure" is time. Allow the grief to surface because if you shut it down and don't deal with it, it will come out later. There is no way around...just through. It sounds like you are doing the right things...just hang in there. Post on SI, talk to a therapist, go for long walks. It will get better.

She11ybeanz posted 8/27/2013 08:17 AM

I was still a puddle on the floor 2 months after D-day!

Be gentle with yourself... I am exactly 3 years 9 months and 12 days post D-day and I STILL have moments where I think about XWH.... and OW.... I will hear a song that will give me a moment or a memory will be triggered by something.....or even hearing a firetruck siren (he was a fireman) will make me cringe.....

So....just take things one day at a time....and be kind to yourself. Those scars don't go away.....but they WILL fade over time.

Survivor3512 posted 8/27/2013 10:46 AM

Ditto what everyone else has said. It's still very early on - take care of yourself. I'm a little over a year out from dday, and although I still have my moments, I'm a million, billion times better than I was a year ago. Hang in there!

Bobbi_sue posted 8/27/2013 16:47 PM

My brother was married for 20 years and it seemed like much of his story sounded like yours. According to him, she gave no hint of any problems or being unhappy until right before she left.

I'm not saying you are like my brother, but I wonder if it might be the case since I am skeptical about people changing from being loving, caring, moral, and devoted, to suddenly changing into nothing but selfish and immoral.

Everyone in our family and circle of friends recognized that his wife was shallow, and that she drank too much, partied too much, dressed too skantilly when she went out ALONE. Many of us also know she cheated on him early on in their M, but to this day he would deny that and say she just "snapped" after 20 years and changed.

I don't think you should necessarily forget or ignore it all. I am all for cherishing good memories but don't put her on a pedestal giving her credit for being some kind of saint up until the three years of betrayal. Try to be realistic about who she was/is all along.

I think acceptance is the word I would use. I was married for 13 years and my XH married the final OW. I have not forgotten my life with him, and I do cherish some of the memories of those years, especially the family times with our kids. But I accept that I was far better off by divorcing him.

SixtytoZero posted 8/27/2013 21:43 PM

All,

Many many thanks. It is so difficult to go through this hell. It really sucks when you are watching TV with the kids, listening to a song or simply seeing something that brings back a memory and all of a sudden you are choked up and teary eyed. And as a guy, I thought I could manage sadness well!

It is also hard as I have to deal with her because of the kids. I am finding it extremely difficult to be pleasant/cordial/polite to someone I have lost all respect for - someone with no integrity - who has robbed me of so much.

And I still haven't told the OW (her roommate from university and with whom she is still friends). I debate it everyday but for now, until the separation paperwork is done, I am tightlipped.

Thanks again for the support. It is nice to know that the advice comes from experience, as sad as that is for all of us.

SBB posted 8/28/2013 08:01 AM

In a weird way having this past year of the real/'new' him has helped ease a lot of the pain.

Its hard to still have wistful, loving feelings for someone who pulls the kind of fuckery some of these muppets pull.

I have had many moments where I've felt affection for him leave my body - I have actually felt it. Its that drop in your stomach when they do something so reprehensible or so cruel and OTT like a maniacal overkill and you're left shaking your head. "Nope. That's not the guy I thought I married." It is like our hearts need repeat verification before catching up with our minds.

Its weird because even when you know you're seeing it its still hard to believe you're seeing it, IYKWIM?

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