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Using this anger...but in need of support!

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mangledmom posted 8/27/2013 00:21 AM

So, I posted recently about feeling hopeless about protecting my kids from SAWH.

The facts:
-he's a pretty hardcore SA
-he's had 3 COW A's
-he's screwed 19 prostitutes in an 8mnth time frame using stolen money...$1000/mnth habit!
-he had a suicide gesture back in March and admitted himself into the hospital 3.5wks ago because he was suicidal
-he's abusive and I am 99% sure BPD, with an equally sick mom
-he's got some dark, very disturbing sex issues
-he's exposed my boys to porn by literally watching it with them next to him on the couch
and inappropriate behavior towards me (hands in my pants/up my shirt in front of them)
- he's abusive (took me ALOT of IC to actually use that word)I endured being grabbed hard enough to leave bruises, been slammed to the floor or against walls, been chest bumped as a way to intimidate and bully me, he throw our coffee table in the air missing my baby girl by half an inch, and the worst was when he chocked me, on mother's day last year in front of our almost 2yo baby girl, and called me a bitch, c***, and told me to stop "fake" crying and freaking out. I had to see my baby gir'sl fear filled eyes scream and run away as I fought him off.
-My oldest son is also an abuse target....he's a rage target that can never do ANYTHING right. Once he raged at him and beat his fist into his own hand and told me he wanted to bust the window out with his hand he was so mad at out son....who was just 7 at the time, pulled sons pants down with the intent to beat the shit out of him. later he admitted had I not stopped him, he was so angry it would have been bad. ODS has been in IC for 2yrs (he's 8 now) because as his psych eval which I received in the middle of the prostitute discovery says he shows signs of trauma and abuse.
-he yells or is annoyed with them if they ask for food or a drink even when he is standing in the kitchen or they haven't eaten or left them to fend for themselves (they are just now 8,5,and 3)
-I've watched him refuse to feed them and eat in their faces
-Once our then 18mnth old got out in a gross diaper shorts and a tank in 30 degree weather because he was asleep. we live by a pond and busy road. he doesn't remember fucking scary!! that could have been horrible!
-I discovered my then 7yo was taking care of the kids while I was in school when I came home unannounced and found him asleep as was at the time becoming a pattern

I honestly was paralyzed with fear over that man, and knew the neglect and porn would be an uphill battle to protect my kids from having to go with him every other weekend for visitation. They were gonna have to get hurt first. I resolved that I would stay and be miserable and have some control to protect them, because the thought of them being alone with him made me crazy and physically ill. Plus, his mom is just as sick, so I knew she'd have access to them. That's a whole nother disgusting demon story...

Anyways, since the prostitute use came to light, my oldest was caught watching cartoon porn videos(sickos that literally take kid stuff like Mario and batman and make sex videos). His IC reported it to CPS because of all the exposure and his psych eval results. Since then, I found proof he was on his prostitute sight while I was in class, meaning physical proof of even more exposure (date stamped with the times that correlate it), then there is the suicide stuff. When he told me we all needed to "get over what he did," I knew it was time.

I saw an attorney after being advised by my former coworker attorneys to lawyer up, and I got amazing news......with the suicide stuff alone showing his emotional instability, the prostitutes and his own black and white proof, tacked on with the CPS thing and my our son's stuff, he will only get supervised visits and no overnights! He wants to avoid court like the plague because there is SO much he doesn't not want revealed about his past and his dark sex issues. (they are pretty bad honestly, like make your head wanna explode just because you know). He agreed to supervised already, and I am still getting the filing fees together. And, I can make it so that his mom can never see the kids again, or if I chose to let her, it can be supervised but I have to have a 30 days notice. Relief. Oldest son's recent IC involved him making his family using characters. Him, his brother and sister, the pets, and myself were in a group while his dad was way far away and alone. The boys were superheroes OF COURSE, the baby was Minnie Mouse, and I was Mickey Mouse because "I do everything for the family like Mickey does." His dad was a spider because they are "Crazy, lazy, and sometimes cool." he was by himself because "he always is because he's asleep or watching TV." So Sad!!!

It feels surreal though. I do love the father of my amazing crew. I truly want him to have a HEALTHY AND SAFE relationship with my kids, but he repeatedly proves he isn't concerned with anyone's safety. I was floored as he moved out Saturday and he said the CPS and exposure "Weren't that deep." WOW!!! A court won't let you be alone with your kids because they think it is "that deep," but their own dad doesn't. I KNEW I was making the right decision when he said that. I told him I was shocked. his response...."oh well, sorry."

I JUST quit my job and started clinicals for the RN program. I gave him chance after chance, was nice, and I have tried to throw him a bone, only to repeatedly be kicked in the teeth and spit on. He called crying that he misses the kids and me. I don't want to be with him, but those old codependent ways are trying to creep in, as well as the guilt and fear of his families reactions. I am fighting them and usually stay with the anger. Just need support to stay the course!!!

mangledmom posted 8/27/2013 00:28 AM

Oh and the kids reactions

oldest son (8) says he is happy and there has been a calmer, nicer, less angry guy just in a couple days

middle son (5) says he's sad, and has had quite a few breakdowns for fear of ME leaving

daughter (3) asks if he's asleep, at the doctor, or at work.

This is the 3rd time he's moved out...once 2.5yrs ago, then back in April, then Saturday. Sadly, I think they are used to it. But, no more. We will have out mental sanity back and our stability. He gave me every bullet in the proverbial gun. Actually he loaded it and pulled the trigger BY HIMSELF. Wish his family saw it for what it is...

Nature_Girl posted 8/27/2013 01:06 AM


I understand your pain, your anger, your fears. I am so proud of you, I know what it is to stay for the sake of your children, and then realize you have to leave for the sake of your children. You have walked a path paved with broken glass, walled in by fire.


It takes tremendous courage to divorce a SA. It takes tremendous courage to divorce an abuser.

I want to caution you that the courts don't see things the way the rest of the world does, nor do the courts necessarily respond the way lawyers tell you they will. I went into my divorce thinking STBX would be forced into supervised visitation. That's not how this has happened, though. I tell you this to prepare you for what your reality might be. Please push for a full-on parenting evaluation to be done, as that's possibly the only forum you will have to present the evidence you have to protect your children.

I'm so proud of you. Keep up the fight!

alphakitte posted 8/27/2013 06:57 AM

My cousin, now 50 years old, despised his mother until the day she died because she didn't get the kids out of the home and free from their father's abuse. The father's abuse was just as you describe here.

Is that what you want for your children? If not, please, get help for your co-dependent stinking thinking.

Your children need you to be strong for them, even if you can't be strong for yourself.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 6:57 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

mangledmom posted 8/27/2013 20:39 PM

No second thoughts today!! This is the right choice. I have so much support and a pretty ruthless lawyer I may have to keep in check. She wants to nail his balls to the wall. Not really who I am though....I am more concerned with the kids and their emotional wellbeing.

I got my codependent guilt in check about 30secs after my post. I have no income, am losing the car soon, and started a very INTENSE nursing program, and I feel peaceful!!! I am finding I have an amazing support system. I got this like I always have

Nature_Girl posted 8/27/2013 22:11 PM

Let your lawyer nail him. I'm telling you, the court system will NOT see sex addiction the way you & I do. As far as the court system is concerned SA does not exist and presents no danger to children. Sic your lawyer on your STBX or you may find that your kids have lots of unsupervised overnights or even 50/50. Good luck!

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