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How do I handle shut down W?

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broken313 posted 8/27/2013 02:55 AM

About a week ago WH said he couldnt handle discussing the A and the hurtful things I say about him during the A.

It is killing me to hold these thoughts and feelings inside. He can see this is making me ill. After 5 months I have gone back to not sleeping etc.

The feelings of contempt for him are escalating again. I cant even bear for him to hold my dare he when he doesnt want to connect emotionally at all.

I am done with goading him to talk about it....what else can I do? Please help...

sparklezombie posted 8/27/2013 04:55 AM

Maybe do the 180 until he realizes you are srrious about getting your needs met. Also are you on mc now? Is he in ic? I think that would help tremendously. Also how about just laying down that boundary. Say that for you to be whole you have to be able to discuss this with him. If he's not willing to do that you will reevaluate whether you can stay in this relationship.

ladies_first posted 8/27/2013 08:54 AM

Some have had success setting day/time limitations, i.e., so as not to "ruin" the weekend, we will schedule 1-hour connection time on Sunday at X p.m. and mid week tune up for 30-minutes on Wednesday at Y p.m. (If you schedule 1 hour, don't forget to split that 30 min BS, 30 mins WS) This gives BS time to prioritize a mental list of 'need to know' questions, and not just blindside the wayward indiscriminately.

Others prefer when the BS has a Question Notebook. BS writes down questions as they occur. Then the WS has some safe emotional space to formulate an empathetic answer. Pros: BS can re-read the same answer as often as needed, and the WS doesn't say "you've asked this question 20 times, and I've already answered 20 times." Cons: Since the WS isn't on the spot, if inclined to lie, the WS has time to lie-check the details.

All forms of communication require TWO willing partners.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/27/2013 10:09 AM

About a week ago WH said he couldnt handle discussing the A and the hurtful things I say about him during the A.

My guess is that your WH is struggling more with the hurtful things you say, more than just discussing the affair. In my opinion, anger is poison to R and what you two are going through is proof of that.

If you can't find ways to discuss the affair in a constructive way, then you may need an MC to help moderate.

So sorry for what you are going through.

Lovedyoumore posted 8/27/2013 10:11 AM

Not sure when your DDay was, but if it was in April, then this is pretty typical after about 6 months. Even when WS want recovery, they want the BS to move on and get over it already.

It sounds as if he is not thinking of your healing. Has he read any of the books? Not Just Friends comes to mind as one that addresses the work a W must do to in order to keep R on track. If as most of us, you are on the 3 to 5 year plan, is he willing to go that distance with you? R is for him also, not just you.

I think I need to ask the same question over and over because of the sheer volume of crap I have to keep turning over in my mind. He knows every second of his affair and you only have glimpses into it. Complete transparency, no gray areas, no blame shifting, and answering your questions, no matter how painful only STARTS the R process, not end it.

Try not to start a discussion when you are tired. I started writing questions down as soon as I think of them. If I still need to know tomorrow, I ask it. And, he better be ready to answer with a complete answer in a compassionate tone. If he cannot make you the center of his world right now, you both need to find out why. As a MC told my H, your wife gets to be the star right now. Treat her accordingly and do not mess it up.

broken313 posted 8/27/2013 16:58 PM

Thank you all, I know I am overwhelming at times. It just feels like he wimps out of the unsavoury talks all the time.

We are in MC, albeit infrequently due to vacations etc

I will practice 180 better, have tried setting a time aside but because of our chaotic lives and young children, this is really hard to stick to. We have messaged in past, but it seemed ridiculous to do this when we are at home. I havent tried a journal, will suggest this when I pull myself out of this bad place I have come to.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/27/2013 18:33 PM

have tried setting a time aside but because of our chaotic lives and young children, this is really hard to stick to.

When you don't make your marriage and spouse a priority, it is very difficult to make a relationship work.

One of the things that came out of our R was to make each other a priority. If that meant the kids and other things were placed on the back burner, then so be it. If you can't find time to communicate, there is little time for emotional intimacy, which in turn provides fertile ground for other issues to develop; some of which may lead to an affair.

Keep this in mind as you are working through pre-affair marital issues.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 6:35 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

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