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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Where the hell is he?
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gives me a lot of hope reading here about NB and how people went on to meet someone great after coming out of the other side of the hell that brought us here.

Maybe I'm impatient, well I probably am but I just feel that I want to meet that one person. I am doing a bit of online dating, but nobody is really sparking my interest. I can't imagine really having those feelings again for someone, meaning the feelings I had for the person who cheated and lied and is the reason I am a member of this site.

It does actually feel that I will never meet someone I am interested in again. Is this how some of you felt before you met 'the one'?


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe that "the one" exists. I think people are drawn to each other based on where they are in their lives and what they are looking for a partner to provide them. I think this is why "broken attracts broken", because people easily bond over shared or familiar feeling baggage, on a subconscious level.

Finding someone compatible is a lot easier when you aren't attaching your hopes and dreams to them, I.e. not expecting someone to be what gets you through what you experienced with your ex or make it all "better". It's a lot easier when you can deal with that stuff for yourself, and just meet someone because he is worth meeting. That attitude also takes away, at least in my experience, the time crunch feeling, because you stop feeling like you need to find someone.

When I was as far out as you are now, I was telling people that surely I'd be married again within five years, ten max. A few years later, I wouldn't go near marriage with a ten foot pole and am having too much fun to let another person complicate my life.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:00 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13871 | Registered: Jul 2011
BrokenDaisy
♀ 37063
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ITA with Amazonia. It's for those exact reasons I am staying away from dating for a very very long time.

Very simplified and shortened version: My stbx and I started dating very soon after my break up with my previous LTR (were together 4 years) it was a mess of a relationship and abusive (I was clever enough to break up with him but not clever enough to wait before dating again!). Instead of working on myself after that relationship to make sure I don't attract broken again I fell into the arms of a lifelong "friend" who I felt safe with. I felt so unsafe and unloved due to my previous relationship that I was happy for te attention and perceived safety (I knew him my whole life so he won't hurt me!) of my stbxwh. ha! I would've been better off with the other guy and that says a lot.

Gently: Do. Not. Rush. Dating! It is not worth the extra pain. It is not. You won't find someone good before you are happy within yourself and at peace with being single. You will just set yourself up for more pain.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HURTAGAIN1981))

I hear ya girl! I'm thinking we are about the same age...(me being 2 years older if your name is any indication of your birthdate... ) I, too, feel like I want to meet someone special that I connect with as well. I have been burned a couple of times by the infamous O.L.D. poofers..... BUT..the last one awakened something deep inside of me. A glowing giddiness... a joyful glimmer of hope and excitement for the future and unknown. It was small.... and a bit bleak....but it was there! I had forgotten about XWH and I had forgotten about my daughter's sperm donor... and I didn't even talk about them at all on our date.... because I was having so much fun just getting to know him!

Did I get a little too carried away with my feelings? Yes. I can admit that. Did I let it bother me when he poofed on me? Yes. I wallowed in self-pity for a couple of days and then swiftly slapped myself a few times and snapped out of it!

BUT..... it did give me some perspective. It showed me that I *CAN* have a connection with another man and that that possibility is still out there... I just haven't met the right one yet. I *CAN* be happy with someone else again! I know I can! Right now....I've taken a slight step back from the O.L.D scene. I need to regroup and get excited about it again....but I am sure I will be back.

Its hard to be patient. I've been single now a year and a half....and I'm not a huge fan of it... but I'm used to it. Patience has not been one of my better virtues.... but I refuse to give up hope. I just can't.

And, you shouldn't either! Hang in there darlin!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me 5 years after my D to find SO (really he found me and I made him wait 1 1/2 years).

In that 5 years I had a lot of ups and downs with dating, not dating, being a hermit, making some bad choices. I think I needed all that to appreciate the man I'm with now.

You will get where you need to be. Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7788 | Registered: Aug 2005
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine really having those feelings again for someone, meaning the feelings I had for the person who cheated and lied and is the reason I am a member of this site.

Maybe you shouldn't be looking for that feeling again. Sure it was great in the beginning but it didn't end well. Maybe its time for something totally different? Maybe a slow build instead of crazy butterflies (or the reverse depending on how it went last time)?

I dated a lot post D. I dated several great guys who just weren't the right fit. I dated some jerks who weren't worth the time I spent on my mascara let alone a second date.

"The One" -- nah not me. I believe in "The Few". There aren't a lot of guys who would be right for me but there's a few out there. My current SO came into my life about 1.5 years after Dday. We were both too damaged and didn't date at the time fortunately. about a year later, i went from 'yeah he's pretty neat but nah' to five hour phone conversations and changing my life around to spend an evening with him.

Its not just about meeting the right person, its about the right time too.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
Survivor3512
♀ 37946
Member # 37946
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your post makes me think of this quote from Sex and the City:

Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?
Miranda: Who? The White Knight?

I know exactly how Charlotte feels now!


Me (BS)- 36
Divorced
----------------------------------------------------------
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming- Dorie

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Southeastern U.S.
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charlotte: I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?

I concur with Charlotte!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in 'the one' either, I just said that for the sake of the post. I do believe there are 'many ones' for someone.

Since all the crap with my ex I kinda consoled myself with the thought that next time I would not make the same mistake (picking a horrible person) and that I would take my time and find the 'right' person for me. I am trying to do that but it's getting on my nerves a bit. I just want 'him' (that one) to come along!

My ex and I split in April (ish). So that should be enough time, but he messed me about for months afterward and I have only just in the last few weeks got him to leave me alone so that I can move on from him.

I am not going to rush it and just settle for the first one who comes along, but I want to just get past this crap and find him, or even know that I will eventually.

I'm thankful for all of the replies. They do give me hope. It's not that I really have a problem with being single, but would be nice just to find that someone.

Shelly, it seems we are in the same kind of situation. I read your thread about him and I cannot believe people really. No idea why they act interested and mention meeting again when they have no intention of doing so. I try to believe that if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be.

I love SATC!!! I remember that line very well!!!!


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
hexed
♀ 19258
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow! only in April? This would be awfully fast in my mind to find someone or even start dating. be patient! focus on you for a while.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, it seems we are in the same kind of situation. I read your thread about him and I cannot believe people really. No idea why they act interested and mention meeting again when they have no intention of doing so. I try to believe that if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be.

Yeah....thank you. I agree. He put on a pretty good acting job....I will tell ya that! He seemed so engrossed in our conversation...and then mentioned all of these fun things we could do and a restaurant he wanted to take me to on our 2nd date. He even made a joke about how he could get me to like football like he does... etc.

I kinda would have liked a "thanks but no thanks" email or response instead of the typical "poofer" response to our date. I almost expected a little more from him since he is a doctor and has a PHD... but I guess rude comes in all education levels and in all types of packaging...

Oh well...it is what it is...and as I have learned from everyone around me.... just take each date for what it is... JUST A DATE ...and JUST another opportunity to get to know someone a little better.... nothing more. nothing less. (NOW...I just need to read that over and over again so that I can hammer it into my stubborn skull... )

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:21 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
HURTAGAIN1981
♀ 35178
Member # 35178
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow! only in April? This would be awfully fast in my mind to find someone or even start dating. be patient! focus on you for a while.

I know it isn't that long but it seems feasible as it wasn't that long of a relationship, but it certainly did a number on my mind and heart. I am not completely healed as I have only just started NC really in the last few weeks. He broke it a few times and I had to tell him again and said goodbye.

I'm not about rushing into anything, I think if I did find someone though I could do it with the right head on and just take it slowly. I think I would be able to manage that. Hopefully anyway.

I kinda would have liked a "thanks but no thanks" email or response instead of the typical "poofer" response to our date. I almost expected a little more from him since he is a doctor and has a PHD... but I guess rude comes in all education levels and in all types of packaging...

I'd prefer this too although I try not to let it bother me. I had a poofer not long ago. He asked for a second date a week after the first and then cancelled half an hour before we were meant to meet. He should have left the house by then! Haven't heard from him since and I would NOT have rescheduled that date after such rude behaviour.


Posts: 296 | Registered: Mar 2012
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He asked for a second date a week after the first and then cancelled half an hour before we were meant to meet.

Oh HECK NO! Unacceptable behavior for sure! I would not have rescheduled either..... I think he was on the fence with you and got scared..... I would definitely put up the barbed wire in case he starts contemplating another prance in your yard....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 13

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