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This isn't gonna work...

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FogHater posted 8/27/2013 09:47 AM

Anyone have feelings like this when u told WH u were going to try to work on our marriage.
I mean how can he be ready when his blaming me for "his affair" jumps out every time we talk about it.
Then I need to work on my stuff.
I know this sounds crazy but I need to do this...he knows I'm serious now.
We r going to counseling on Friday and that will be the true test.
I am gonna take everything I have and he will be lying I will show the counselor what I have and what I have found...see if he can lie his way out.
He thinks he can fool people who don't know what is really going on.
I hope the counselor is smarter than that.
I just need to know what to do.
His true feelings r just under the surface just waiting to jump out.
I need advice...maybe just needed to get this out
Thanks for listening

forgivingnow posted 8/27/2013 10:12 AM

(((foghater)))I hope he is ready to tell the truth & stop blaming you. You know this is not your fault.

FogHater posted 8/27/2013 10:32 AM

I know...
I hope counseling will get the truth out.
He still says she is just a friend and nothing is going on...
He told our pastor their relationship is platonic. Yea that's y I filed for divorce....
He thinks he can fool people who don't know the truth. So I don't think he's ready but I he not willing to tell the truth then I am walking...
Divorce is on hold for now

brokensmile322 posted 8/27/2013 11:18 AM

(((Foghater)))

The problem is that a MC generally does not take sides. I have seen a few people post that their MC called the WS on their crap. I think that is not the norm, though.

Most I think, will get you both to talking, but if the WS is not ready or still lying or the A is underground, I am not sure on how well MC works. The problem is that we as BS don't know if they are truly on board or if any of the above stuff is going on.

Be prepared that the MC will look at what you have and then will question WS, but not sure if he/she will call him out.

I really think the WS that do well in MC are the ones who are ready to make the commitment no matter what it takes. I think IC helps with that. Problem is if you have a WS who doesn't think he needs IC.

Try, fog hater, keep trying. But realize that you can only do so much. Your WS has to start doing some of the work and part of that is being open and honest.

Let us know how it goes.

7yrsflushed posted 8/27/2013 11:27 AM

His true feelings r just under the surface just waiting to jump out.
I thougth this as well about my STBXW. Everyone and I mean everyone could see what was wrong with her including herself but she was never able to face her demons and deal with those issues. It was easier to rug sweep and run from her issues.

You can't bring his feelings to the surface and neither can a counselor. You can't make him tell you the truth. He has to do that on his own. He has to want to do it. The only thing you can do is look squarely at the person that is currently in front of you. Not who you thought he was or remembered but who he actually is right now. His actions are showing and speaking volumes one way or the other you just have to see and hear them.

Took me forever to figure out that my STBXWW wasn't being stubborn or needed help to do the right thing, this was who she had become and likely always had been. I just never saw it. I wish you the best.

brokensmile322 posted 8/27/2013 11:52 AM


You can't bring his feelings to the surface and neither can a counselor. You can't make him tell you the truth. He has to do that on his own. He has to want to do it. The only thing you can do is look squarely at the person that is currently in front of you. Not who you thought he was or remembered but who he actually is right now. His actions are showing and speaking volumes one way or the other you just have to see and hear them

Wow. ^^This. I need to remember this.

sisoon posted 8/27/2013 17:18 PM

I think you're being wishy when you need to be decisive.

What happens if he tells the truth Friday. I think that will just set you up for another struggle, and another struggle, and another struggle.

On Friday, if you don't D him before then, go for the whole thing: NC, transparency, total honesty (with no rewriting history, no gaslighting, no blameshifting), IC for him (with visibility to you), MC, and anything else you want. Set up consequences for his foul-ups.

Keep the D active, and don't commit to R until you see consistent R behavior from him for at least 6 months.

Your H isn't working on R, so you have to stop, too.

(((FogHater)))

undonelife posted 8/27/2013 17:37 PM

I got us into marriage counseling before I knew about the affair. About 2 weeks before I discovered he stopped telling me he loved me. When asked he wouldn't tell me what was going on just that he was unhappy. He didn't want to tell me why. He had harped on how much he hated his Job for about 2 years & I thought it was that again. I kept asking with no results. I was tryi g real hard to help him. I asked him if he'd go to a counselor if I made the appt. he agreed. Between our 1st & 2nd appt I discovered the affair. The 1st appt all he did was tell the counselor how u happy he was. No details. Looking back now I think he thought he could get me to see what all is done wrong to him and I'd finally see his unhappiness was all my fault. He thought he could keep his dirty little secret & let me take all the blame. Shit hit the fan the 2nd appt cause he had to tell our Chridtisn counselor that he was a liar & was having an affair. He was mad as a bat for the next 6 weeks of counseling be wise I wouldn't take the blame. I knew is done all I could do to support & help him o ER the years & it wasn't my fault he didn't speak up when he felt unhappy. He could have made other choices. He didn't have to screw a woman! Those 6 weeks were the worst of it all. He would not accept any responsibility. He was so mad at me, counselor & everyone else for not taking his side and seeing it was my fault. I finally cancelled HHS rest of the appointments & told him to do what he wanted. I W's so hurt that he lied so much & want willing to take responsibility. Just know that if he isn't remorseful it may be a horrible time for you & he may say some very hurtful foggy things that you will have to process thru. Those thing he did & said during that time still stick in my craw. I don't think I'll ever forget them.

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