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IC says separate. WH doesn't want to. What to do?

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sparklezombie posted 8/27/2013 11:24 AM

A little BG: WH has been unfaithful off and on for years with anon partners he finds on the internet. We have separated twice, got back together last year (I was pregnant) and just had another DD. I told him I was moving out, but then because of our finances, he offered to move out (reluctantly). Then this past weekend, he broke down, cried, said life means nothing without me and sparklebaby in it. That he is willing to do anything, will give me all passwords, put software on phone/computer, etc. He has seen his IC once and has an appt to go again.

Here's the thing. My IC says we still need to separate. That he won't really change without hitting the bottom and that he may never change at all. I was totally on board with that until this weekend when his attitude changed and he started saying all the stuff I listed above. Now I'm conflicted. Do I still make him move out and go to IC and see how things go or do we stay living together, stay in IC/MC and see how things go?

I would like the time and space away from him. But for some reason, it's so hard to demand that when he looks at me, cries, says he's sorry and that he wants to change it. I feel trapped and don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Rebreather posted 8/27/2013 11:27 AM

His words mean nothing. Continue along the path your IC has identified. If he is serious, he will quickly make his actions match his words. If he is not, then you have lost nothing.

Continue to work on yourself so that you aren't so torn by his tears. He has created this mess and he needs to be the one to fix it. Let him feel his pain. He needs to. It is good for him.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/27/2013 11:31 AM

I, on the other hand, feel you having nothing to lose by giving him a chance without separating.

We don't have to do what our IC's suggest. They aren't gods. We get to make choices on what we feel is the right thing for us to do, too. Figure out what you really want, sparklezombie, and then follow that path.

sisoon posted 8/27/2013 12:16 PM

Does your IC treat your H? Does your IC know your H's head, heart, and guts? How can your IC make any judgment about what your H will and will not do?

What counts for me is this:

I would like the time and space away from him.

That's your gut communicating, IMO, and one's gut is usually pretty accurate (again, IMO).

The fact that you let his sadness, which may or may not be genuine, keep you from doing what you need to do is an issue, and I hope it's one that you and your IC are working on. His feelings are his to deal with.

The question you ask is: IC says separate. WH doesn't want to. What to do?

The answer is: Do what you think is best for you and your child.

If that means separate, well, your H just has to become an adult and remind himself that actions have consequences.

I know this is easier said than done. I have very little doubt, though, that doing what's best for you and your child will turn out to be best for your H and your M, too.


OK now posted 8/27/2013 12:29 PM

If you want the time and space away from him then take that option. No need to feel terrible about it; if he is genuine about wanting to change then he can earn his way back into the marital home.

If however he continues with his sexual addiction, then it will be easier for you to move on if he isn't living with you.

heartache101 posted 8/27/2013 12:35 PM


I would go ahead and let him see what a life without you is like.. If he has cheated off and on for years you need to consider your child.
Do you want your child to see and hear those horrid fights we have when there is a cheater living with us?? No you want a warm and loving household. Tell him that he is out till he can prove to you he can give you and your child what you both need from him..
For one he needs to stay way from ANON partners. If he has to go to ANON then obviously he won't quit and obviously this will be a constant trigger for you. Right??
I say give you and the baby some space move him out and see how you feel.
At this point you should need more then tears and a few words of promises from him. You need him to show to you he can be faithful!

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