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hearthurts23 posted 8/27/2013 11:31 AM

It has been 8 days since my husband broke down sobbing and told me he cheated on me two weeks before.

I am broken, scared, sad, confused and grieving for what we lost. We have been together since I was 14 and he was 15. 8 years together, married for 3 years. We are 23 now.
We were eachother's first and only. Sex was special, it was OURS. The deepest part of my pain comes from knowing that we will never have that again. I honestly believed we would always have that. Through our years together there has never been a reason for me to worry about cheating.
We have had our problems. He suffered two very sudden and traumatic deaths in his family about two years ago and we spiraled into a dark time.
The past two years have been hell with frequent fighting and put downs on both ends. Through our very worst times though, I never thought cheating would be an issue. Maybe I was very naive. I used to laugh at the people who would tell me "all men cheat" and "he will get tired of you".

I completely trusted him in that regard and my feelings of betrayal are so deep. I feel like I can not be sure of who he really is. This one act is so radically different than the person I have loved for 8 years. I thought I knew him inside and out and now I am questioning everything. My emotions have been a wild rollercoaster. The first few days were the worst, I became suicidal. I very seriously contemplated suicide. What stopped me was feeling that I could not break my parent's hearts. I wanted to find the girl and murder her. She KNEW he was married. I don't understand why. Why she would get her pleasure from taking what belongs to someone else. I had planned out how I was going to do it. I am not going to. I know that it would just ruin my life and accomplish nothing. I still feel like she just got away with it.
The details and mind movies of him with someone else will not stop playing in my mind.
That night he went with a friend to a work party. The friend could only invite one person so I was not able to go. This friend is an alcoholic, my husband has a drink or a beer once in a blue moon and has zero tolerance for alcohol.
He said that they got extremely drunk and went back to the friend's house where he decided to stay in the friend's back room and try to sleep it off so that he could drive home.
His friend has been having sex with random girls since his long time girlfriend left him a few weeks ago. One of the friend's girls had her friend with her who my husband had only met one time before. He does not even know her last name. He said that she came into the room and sat by him saying she couldn't sleep. She kissed him and he kissed her back. He says that she then took her pants off and he took his pants off and she climbed on top of him and they started to have sex. They did not use a condom. He says that it did not last very long, the sex about a minute and then he stopped and said he did not want to do it.
He says he then searched for his phone for awhile (it was missing most of the night) and came home.
I had not been able to reach him for about 3 hours when he finally showed up at home. I had been hysterical fearing that he was in a car accident. He was so upset when he came home and told me that it was the worst night of his life and he just wanted to go to sleep. I thought it was because he was worried that I would be mad. By the time he came home I was so happy to see him, I was glad he was alive and okay. I did not have a clue of what he had just done.
I keep thinking about how he didn't take a shower that night and slept next to me with HER on him. Over the next two weeks I knew something was wrong with him but was not sure what.
During that two weeks he had sex with me two and a half times. The third time we stopped because it was so awkward. I knew something was wrong but still didnt know what. Unprotected because we are married, I'm on birth control and I never thought we had to worry about std's.
I am devestated. When he told me he was so upset that I thought someone in our family had died.
That night he patiently sat with me through hours of screaming and crying. I was irrational and uncontrollably hysterical for about 3 days. He has been kind and patient with me and my outbursts. We have gotten heated with each other a few times but only after I have been in the worst of my anger and just completely berated him. He has been doing exactly what he should to try to repair this with me. The morning after he told me we went to get tested for std's and we won't know for awhile longer because it was too early to test. I am so terrified and angry that I have to suffer through this. We also went straight to counseling the next day and have had three sessions so far. I know that if we are going to try to repair our marriage we have got to have outside help.
I am so confused about what I should believe. I know that I will never really know what went on. I want so badly to believe that they really did stop and that everything he has told me is true. But he just betrayed me in the worst way and I don't know what to do or believe. He says that we can build something better than what we had before. He has said that he wants to spent the rest of his life with me and never will do this again. I want to believe that. I love him with all my heart and that has not changed. But I don't know how to forgive and have any hope of trusting him again. His remorse does seem genuine. I am just so confused and scared.
I'm sorry for leaving such a long post. I have no one I am talk to about this and desperately wanted to get it out somewhere.

OK now posted 8/27/2013 12:07 PM

What a heartbreaking post. I am so sorry for the blemish on your marriage which will never be completely removed.

However your WH does seem very remorseful and ashamed, but I doubt that he stopped the sexual act after one minute; more likely that he came after one minute. Maybe thats me being cynical, but WS's do tend to lie to ease the spousal pain and escape outright condemnation for their betrayal.

Best approach is to seek MC and sort out the problems that have unsettled your marriage. The rest is up to time and how the pain does slowly ebb away, given of course that your WH remains patient and remorseful.

hurtinginLA posted 8/27/2013 12:08 PM

I'm so sorry for you. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I only found out 2 days ago that this was going on and it hurts worse than any pain i can imagine.

At least in your case, he was man enough to come to you with his mistake. In my case, my fiance let me find out everything on my own, lied in between findings, and is now treating me like i'm the philanderer.

My heart hurts more than I can bear and i know you feel the same way. Everyone here says it'll get better, but it almost feels like that's impossible right now. If you were in LA, i would give you a REAL HUG...

...then a martini or 10.

Hang in there =( Post alot, and i hope you find a way to get emotional closure (be it staying together, or leaving.)

lieshurt posted 8/27/2013 12:23 PM

He said that they got extremely drunk and went back to the friend's house where he decided to stay in the friend's back room and try to sleep it off so that he could drive home.

They were sober enough to drive to the friend's house, but not for him to drive home?

His friend has been having sex with random girls since his long time girlfriend left him a few weeks ago. One of the friend's girls had her friend with her who my husband had only met one time before. He does not even know her last name. He said that she came into the room and sat by him saying she couldn't sleep.

At what point did these women show up at the friend's house? Who invited them? I find it odd that the girl would show up and bring her friend unless she was told to.

She kissed him and he kissed her back. He says that she then took her pants off and he took his pants off and she climbed on top of him and they started to have sex.

I believe there is more to this than what he has told you.

heartache101 posted 8/27/2013 12:30 PM

hearthurts23

First thing he needs to know any lie on this will haunt him for the rest of his life!
Has this truly been the only time?? Think about this hearthurts..
How often does he hang out with this single friend??

He needs boundaries he needs not to be around this friend without you. The friend is single he is not.

He needs to not drink without you also. Again boundaries..

He does sound remorseful...

tushnurse posted 8/27/2013 12:32 PM

welcome to the best club noone ever wants to join.
I have a whole little spiel I give to new members, and I get to skip most of that with you, because your H seems to seriously be remorseful and that puts you way ahead of the game.
You also have done the STD testing.

The only things I have left as far as recommendations is:
See an attorney, find out what your rights are, should his remorse change, or become a pattern for him. Don't tell him youre going just do this for you.

Know and understand that this is all on him, and it was his choice to this sober, or blinding drunk, there is an issue here that he allowed himself to cross that boundary, and he needs to do the hard work to figure out the whys. I hear you making a lot excuses for him, but he is just as much to blame for this as is the woman. You will go through a grieving process with this, and probably will wake up one day to find yourself as mad at him as you are the OW. It takes time and hard work to get through this. There really are no short cuts.

Lastly be kind to yourself. If you aren't sleeping, eating, or staying hydrated talk to your MD about a little bit of pharmaceutical support during this time.

Know that there are MANY of us here that until our marriages were scarred by infidelity we were each others one and only's. Yes your relationship will not be the same ever again. However that does not mean that you can't be happy and have an even better relationship. Just like you get a scar from a cut, that tissue is stronger than it was before, and so can your relationship be.

((((and strength ))))

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 12:36 PM

Heart

At 8 days out from Dday I couldn't even get out of bed! I don't want to seem like I am making light of your situation but you have so many things going for you from the start and I want to point them out....

1) your husband came to YOU....he was so conflicted over this it was killing him. Think about the millions of spouses that have to find out from others, or worse they find evidence before their WS confesses.....and sometimes they NEVER confess even when presented with mountains of incriminating texts and emails.

2) your WS seems quite remorseful....I think all of us wished we had seen that from second 1 after the discovery.

3) you did not kill yourself so there is something inside of you that wants to be here

4) you are still together in the same house. I personally think that is a good omen.

5) you are communicating. Some WS clam up big time and communication only comes after they have been kicked out.

6) your are in Counceling ....good move.

And all this in Day 8......you are blessed

What you now need to do is figure out what makes you feel safe and ask for it. Ask every question that pops into your mind. I might be inclined to start with.....is this the only time or have there been others? Make him start to figure out why he is attracted to this friend that sleeps around. Make him dissect the " why's" of how he got to where he could do this.

It is those whys that will help you get over this. You need to look a bit deeper at your marriage as well. Now that you aren't in your fair tale marriage anymore, are there things that were lacking for either of you?? Resentment, hidden disappointment, unresolved issues that could cause dissatisfaction. You mentioned the recent deaths in his family. My mom had just passed away very suddenly when my husbands A started.

Once you start sorting through your feelings your mind will slowly ease off. The time it takes to do that depends on your specific situation and how your WS handles themselves.

T

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/27/2013 15:24 PM

LiesHurt makes a few salient points you'll want to keep in mind as you make your way through this crazy journey.

All cheater claim the OW came onto them, so your husband's story sounds like all the rest of them when they claim they were innocent and some wicked woman came onto them, took off their clothes and forced themselves on these guys.

99% of the time that's not true.

I think you haven't gotten the whole story and do hope you keep your strength up as the rollercoaster ride can be a bit taxing for sure.

3Xthefool posted 8/28/2013 20:05 PM

TxsT makes some very good points about counting your blessings. With the devastating news that you have been bombarded with, taking stock of any good points in where you are at will help you cope with the pain and suffering yet to come. I agree that it goes a long way to recovery when your WH actually came to you with the news and seems to be truly remorseful. Those are two really big positives.

With regards to your "each other's only", I completely get where you are coming from. My WW and I each had only one other partner prior to us meeting 18yrs ago, she now has had 5 additional partners. That is one of the things that I struggle with almost every day......how can our marriage mean so little to her that she would soil it with not only another man but with several other men.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hope that you can regain at least part of what was lost, although it will likely never be exactly as it was before.

hearthurts23 posted 8/29/2013 07:19 AM

I do believe in my heart that this was the first and only time. This was so wildly out of character for him and I know that the alcohol played a large part. I am not taking the blame off of him or making excuses for him. He was conscious and able to remember what happened so I know that the alcohol is not a valid excuse, just a contributing factor. He clearly had it in his mind somewhere that he wanted to do this.
He did not drive to the friend's house from the party, he rode with his friend, he had left his car at the friend's house.
He has cut off all contact with the friend. We still have to exchange some music equipment, then we will finally be completely done with this guy. I feel that will give me some small sense of closure. There was never any contact to cut off with the girl. I do believe him that he had only met her once previously. He has been completely transparent and allowed me to access his phone, email, facebook, etc anytime I choose until I feel that I don't need to anymore.
I know cynics will say that be could have easily deleted anything that had to do with her and I know that this is true. I am not blind or stupid. I am choosing to believe him for my own sanity and allow him the chance to gain my trust again. Of course I have doubts about the details. We have talked for hours and hours and he told me of his own idea that he has been completely honest with me about every single thing because he knows that any lie would follow us and fester beneath the surface. He also said that I deserve to know the whole truth.
We are seeing a great marriage counselor and I do have hope that we can rebuild our marriage and come out of this better than before.
Thank you for your kind words. I am struggling and am sure that I will continue to do so off and on. I hope that I can find it in my heart to forgive him and move on. We are taking it one day at a time.