It has been 8 days since my husband broke down sobbing and told me he cheated on me two weeks before.
I am broken, scared, sad, confused and grieving for what we lost. We have been together since I was 14 and he was 15. 8 years together, married for 3 years. We are 23 now.
We were eachother's first and only. Sex was special, it was OURS. The deepest part of my pain comes from knowing that we will never have that again. I honestly believed we would always have that. Through our years together there has never been a reason for me to worry about cheating.
We have had our problems. He suffered two very sudden and traumatic deaths in his family about two years ago and we spiraled into a dark time.
The past two years have been hell with frequent fighting and put downs on both ends. Through our very worst times though, I never thought cheating would be an issue. Maybe I was very naive. I used to laugh at the people who would tell me "all men cheat" and "he will get tired of you".
I completely trusted him in that regard and my feelings of betrayal are so deep. I feel like I can not be sure of who he really is. This one act is so radically different than the person I have loved for 8 years. I thought I knew him inside and out and now I am questioning everything. My emotions have been a wild rollercoaster. The first few days were the worst, I became suicidal. I very seriously contemplated suicide. What stopped me was feeling that I could not break my parent's hearts. I wanted to find the girl and murder her. She KNEW he was married. I don't understand why. Why she would get her pleasure from taking what belongs to someone else. I had planned out how I was going to do it. I am not going to. I know that it would just ruin my life and accomplish nothing. I still feel like she just got away with it.
The details and mind movies of him with someone else will not stop playing in my mind.
That night he went with a friend to a work party. The friend could only invite one person so I was not able to go. This friend is an alcoholic, my husband has a drink or a beer once in a blue moon and has zero tolerance for alcohol.
He said that they got extremely drunk and went back to the friend's house where he decided to stay in the friend's back room and try to sleep it off so that he could drive home.
His friend has been having sex with random girls since his long time girlfriend left him a few weeks ago. One of the friend's girls had her friend with her who my husband had only met one time before. He does not even know her last name. He said that she came into the room and sat by him saying she couldn't sleep. She kissed him and he kissed her back. He says that she then took her pants off and he took his pants off and she climbed on top of him and they started to have sex. They did not use a condom. He says that it did not last very long, the sex about a minute and then he stopped and said he did not want to do it.
He says he then searched for his phone for awhile (it was missing most of the night) and came home.
I had not been able to reach him for about 3 hours when he finally showed up at home. I had been hysterical fearing that he was in a car accident. He was so upset when he came home and told me that it was the worst night of his life and he just wanted to go to sleep. I thought it was because he was worried that I would be mad. By the time he came home I was so happy to see him, I was glad he was alive and okay. I did not have a clue of what he had just done.
I keep thinking about how he didn't take a shower that night and slept next to me with HER on him. Over the next two weeks I knew something was wrong with him but was not sure what.
During that two weeks he had sex with me two and a half times. The third time we stopped because it was so awkward. I knew something was wrong but still didnt know what. Unprotected because we are married, I'm on birth control and I never thought we had to worry about std's.
I am devestated. When he told me he was so upset that I thought someone in our family had died.
That night he patiently sat with me through hours of screaming and crying. I was irrational and uncontrollably hysterical for about 3 days. He has been kind and patient with me and my outbursts. We have gotten heated with each other a few times but only after I have been in the worst of my anger and just completely berated him. He has been doing exactly what he should to try to repair this with me. The morning after he told me we went to get tested for std's and we won't know for awhile longer because it was too early to test. I am so terrified and angry that I have to suffer through this. We also went straight to counseling the next day and have had three sessions so far. I know that if we are going to try to repair our marriage we have got to have outside help.
I am so confused about what I should believe. I know that I will never really know what went on. I want so badly to believe that they really did stop and that everything he has told me is true. But he just betrayed me in the worst way and I don't know what to do or believe. He says that we can build something better than what we had before. He has said that he wants to spent the rest of his life with me and never will do this again. I want to believe that. I love him with all my heart and that has not changed. But I don't know how to forgive and have any hope of trusting him again. His remorse does seem genuine. I am just so confused and scared.
I'm sorry for leaving such a long post. I have no one I am talk to about this and desperately wanted to get it out somewhere.