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How can I heal when he's not willing to do whatever it takes?

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broken0912 posted 8/27/2013 11:33 AM

During the past year we have been through the ups & down, MC, rollercoaster emotions, and interrogations, that amounted to what I thought was TT, and had hope that I would eventually get it all.

We live in a state that I have always hated. I have only stayed here for 16 years because of him. I am from another place and have been here 20 yrs. I have told him that it is his turn to sacrifice and we need to move back to my "home". In the beginning he said he was willing to do whatever I want, but now is not willing to move.

Also, I have been finding out the opposite of TT through the last couple of months. All the stuff I thought I knew has come back as either he made it up to give me an answer that he didn't have, or doesn't remember saying that or just has no idea what i am talking about.

So now I am no further with the truth than I was a week in to this deal. I know who she was - my BF, that she had his child and they used unprotected sex everytime for an extended (yet unknown) length of time. I know it ended in the summer of 2009 2 weeks before we found out she and her H (yeah right) were pregnant. I know it started between 2005 - 2007 (not from his confession, from dectective work). He first said 2008 then 2007 then 2006 now he is back to no idea, but no way as early as 06. He "remembers" sex 7 different times in a PA that lasted at least 1.5 yrs. He can't even wrap his mind around the EA (doesn't get it) that he was having for anywhere from 1-3 yrs prior to PA and about 1.5 - 2yrs after he ended the physical. He now thinks I am pounding on him and that I HAVE REGRESSED.

I told him I can't continue without the full story, which he claims he doesn't have. - I overheard him talking to his sponsor (mentor) on the phone when he thought I was sleeping and telling him that I wanted to know exactly how many times he had sex and some other stuff that was impossible for him to come up with. - Which is a downright lie. HE TOTALLY DOESN:T HEAR WHAT I SAY! I don't know how to continue. If he doesn't remember, I've told him he can write it down in order and use a timeline that I painstakingly recreated from "OUR" life to referrence. I told him he could "interview" the 20 people he told about it before he told me and see what they remember and he could even undergo hypnosis. So far, he still doesn't think he can possibly remember "the details".

I am stuck and right back to the bottom and don't know what to do.

[This message edited by broken0912 at 11:35 AM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 11:38 AM


If I was in your shoes I would feel l,Ike a separation was in order. You need to heal yourself and your WS's waffling is doing you more harm then good. A shock to his system, the unexpected, seems to be needed to rejuvenate his mind and his intentions.

You are too good for this. You deserve better.


LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 13:06 PM

I agree with TxsT that you do need to heal yourself, regardless of how the outcome of the relationship turns out. You may want to read up on the 180, and practice some of the items in that list in order to insulate yourself and heal. BS FAQ #11 in the Healing Library.

A relationship can't heal from one side.

Best of luck to you.

sisoon posted 8/27/2013 17:22 PM

To emphasize the point, you can't R unless your WS will do whatever it takes, but you sure can heal.

In some (not all) ways, it's easier to heal on your own than with your WS hanging around. You are responsible for healing yourself - and you can do it on your own.

broken0912 posted 8/28/2013 10:12 AM

Well I gave him some ideas, such as talking to the people he told early on and asking them about what he said, so he goes to the one guy he talked to in 2006. This guy, thinking I now knew everything had mentioned to me that WH had told him about having oral sex with one of my friends. Because of some things he said I figured out the time when this was said. The guy is also very long winded. So yesterday, my FWH talks to his buddy and comes back to me with "he doesn't remember when I told him." First off, I already KNOW WHEN. Secondly, the guy does not say one sentence and shut up, so WHAT ELSE DID HE SAY?

He said he also talked to his daughter who has repeatedly lied to me through this R period to try to "PROTECT" her father and OW. She remembers WHERE he told her, but not when. Well it had to be in the first 3 months of 2007 or 2008. All he had to ask her was if she had her 3rd child by then. Since he was born in Oct of 07. Again, he is doing just enough, by contacting 2 people and asking 1 question. I have a million different ways of asking questions that would get any normal person to narrow down a timeline and some details, but it has not worked with my FWH - Evidently he has just blocked the whole thing out. He waited 3 yrs to tell me, so what is so front and center in my mind and current in my day to day, he has long ago let go of and hates having to deal with it (again) when we both figured out he never "dealt" with it in the first place. We are a week short of 1 year, and closer to D than ever. I am obsessed, a sobbing crying, screaming, mess, once again!

[This message edited by broken0912 at 11:35 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

broken0912 posted 8/29/2013 01:54 AM

He has now, once again, figured out from a timeline i made out for him that A, did in fact, begin in summer of 2006 and end 3 years later, but so far that is it. I have written him another letter tonight and left for him to read when he wakes up, asking him to "try" to write out a full timeline of anything and everything he can think of in regards to details of A. We shall see.

Knowing posted 8/29/2013 03:09 AM

I read your profile. Does the BH know? He could provide some details and may have an idea of the timeline.

I am not the least bit surprised you are struggling with the circumstances of his A. You have been doubly betrayed, by your WS and the OW. To add insult to injury, there is an OC. Have you checked out the OC thread in the I Can Relate forum?

broken0912 posted 8/29/2013 09:09 AM

He swears he is not refusing to answer that he would answer all my questions if he could, just so I would stop. Yesterday he did remember the year it started, after I supplied him with a timeline of our life together.

broken0912 posted 8/29/2013 09:09 AM

He swears he is not refusing to answer that he would answer all my questions if he could, just so I would stop. Yesterday he did remember the year it started, after I supplied him with a timeline of our life together.

And no, I haven't looked at the OC thread. Not sure I knew there was one, but I will. I always feel like my sit is diff. than others who produced an OC.

[This message edited by broken0912 at 9:20 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

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