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Text History - To Ask or Not?

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RoadtoPeace posted 8/27/2013 11:56 AM

I am 5 months out from the last dday and things have mostly gone well. He seems genuinely remorseful and committed. We are reading the Shirley Glass book and he agreed to IC (to start in Sept). The biggest challenge I am having is getting the full truth from my WH. He seems to only admit to what I find out despite my efforts at reassuring him that it actually helps the R process. My gut instinct is telling me that he is still hiding info.

I did a little research and found out that if he made a request to his mobile phone provider, he could get copies of past texts, for anytime period. I asked him to make the request for one year before the last dday. He did not say no, but complained that we would not gain anything by looking backwards.

I am torn on pushing this further because I am questioning my motives. Is it to find more evidence to help me leave? Or look for ways to validate/confirm his narration of past events? It is so hard to move forward when you feel you don't have the full story. But seeing flirtatious texts with the same women may make any chance at R impossible.

Any advice/feedback would be helpful?

Rebreather posted 8/27/2013 12:03 PM

The ultimate guide to being remorseful is doing anything you need to recover. Therefore, hiding info and footdragging on your requests makes your spouse not remorseful.

I think your true motive is you would like the truth. And you don't think you are getting it from your spouse, therefore you are seeking other routes. Nothing wrong with that.

I would move forward with getting the texts. It can be your choice later to read them or not. But a remorseful spouse will present you with all the information you need to make decisions about YOUR life. Remorse means they let go the outcome. They stop trying to control you and your decisions by withholding information from you. Instead, they treat you like a mature, capable adult by giving you access to everything and allowing you to make the decision you feel are best for you.

WoundedOpus posted 8/27/2013 12:10 PM

Have to agree with Rebreather here. Seems like you want to make sure you have the full truth and aren't comfortable that you have it. I would push the issue, he should be more than OK giving you whatever you need to move forward.

Eyeofthetiger posted 8/27/2013 12:15 PM

I would push it too. My husband said he would get the phone records but claims he cannot get the transcripts. He doesn't want to reconcile anyways.

I think having them would help know exactly what happened. May not be easy to read though.

RedRose posted 8/27/2013 21:11 PM

I also would like to have the texts, to know exactly what went on rather than having to trust what WH says. I think that really seeing what happened would make it easier to then leave it behind, rather than always wondering exactly what happened.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/27/2013 21:24 PM

Are you sure that you can get the actual 'texts' themselves and not just the text data -- phone numbers, sent/received, and time?

Text history was my hill to die on for a couple of reasons. I felt that stbx was minimizing the amount of contact he had with OW while we were in (what turned out to be false) R. And the simple fact that he told me *no, that he absolutely wouldn't request it* (that whole 'outcome' thing that ReBreather alluded to).

Well, to be fair, he DID request it but the request was rejected because the carrier couldn't read the notary seal.....but I also happened to notice on the rejection letter that he had added MY number to the request. Without telling me. And that he had shredded the original notarized copy right after he faxed it.
(backstory -- he just took off with the form one morning and didn't inform me of what he was doing.....I'm sure he knew that I would have made him keep the original and even possibly mail it in also....and he didn't want me to know that he had added my number to it without informing me).

There was a point in time that I was asking about things and for things....not so much because I needed any type of 'answer'....but because I wanted to see if he would offer it up to without a fight.

Mine never got to that point.

complained that we would not gain anything by looking backwards.

If it were me, I would ask him to get the records from the phone company.
And if he uses the line that I quoted above, just tell him "thanks for offering your opinion. duly noted. now sign the damn form."

sri624 posted 8/28/2013 01:59 AM

i have some experience with this...and the whole phone records thing. the most important thing i learned from SI was that if something does not feel right, then most likely there is something very wrong.

if you ask for the records and for any reason at all he balks, or finds some reason not to get them for you...then he is lying..there is something he doesnt want you to know. and you cant r without the truth...all of it...even if the truth hurts.

i played that game and tried to pretend like it didnt matter that he wouldnt give me his records. 9 months later, i learned i was in false r. well, i got smart...and made full transparency a requirement, or get out. well, guess what? he left me...and we separated for 3 months. i knew he wanted to r, but i would not without those records. i needed to know exactly what i was dealing with, and then i would make the decison alone if i wanted to take him back.

he sang the same ole song about how it would only be going backwards, or not good for our future...or would not help me heal or our m....all of it was a smokescreen. bottom line was that he didnt want me to see what was on those records.

he eventually gave them up..and it was all bad. i knew it would be bad...i mean, he left me over them...but actually seeing all the calls to other women and for the length of time was brutal.

but i learned the truth about his affairs...his double all came out.

we are both committed to a serious attempt at r. but we would have never gotten this far without those records which revealed the truth.

a wise SIer told me might have been rebreather....that i shouldnt let fear or fear of what i find, stop me from finding the truth. that is so true i have learned.

if it were me, after what i have learned...i would not r without those records. and if he didnt hand them over...then i would know he was full of crap...that is not r.

RoadtoPeace posted 8/28/2013 02:07 AM

Thank you all so so much.

Your feedback and wise counsel has given me the strength to stay firm to my demands for complete transparency.

At some point, remembering that I do have a choice in this matter helps relax me. The panic and second guessing go out the window when I know that his response to my clear demands will ultimately guide me in my decision to stay or not.

sad34 posted 8/28/2013 10:54 AM

I saw most texts and every email because ow saved them. I don't regret it. It helped me get all the info because wh was TT, forever!!! Our therapist said once I deserve to know everything because he took that time away from me.

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