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Ganging Up or Helpful Intervention?

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libertyrocks posted 8/27/2013 12:45 PM

H and I have been having ups and downs. Obviously! One minute, I will do anything for him, the next I cannot stand the sight of him. Not so much becuase of OW, but because it took him so long to finally tell me the truth and stop downplaying everything. I couldn't forgive what he wasn't telling me. So, last week he finally tells me he "had fun" with OW. Instead of insisting it was "pathetic" behavior. So, I forgave him when he finally confessed his true behavior-his other relationships.

So, I find a text to his mom and sister and how he's disclosed our personal struggles. That I treat him bad. They are cold and catty to me. Do you think this is just his support system (mom and sister) protecting him or are they being catty with me because they only know one side of the story?

I can't help but feel how unfair this is. His other sister stopped talking to me when I took him back, my other sister in law told her friends after I asked her not to. Then, one of those friends asked my mom at the store!!! I feel so betrayed by so many people and I wasn't even the one cheating! I was sucking it up working, being faithful, miserable and supporting my family, including my fWH who was out partying, drinking, and blowing our money.

LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 12:53 PM

I think it's okay for him to have a support system, but not at your expense. To me it sounds like he is trying to gain sympathy from his family and at the same time pit them against you. He needs to pick a side, them or you, and stand firm to that.

Any support system that he has needs to be friends of the marriage as well, IMO.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

libertyrocks posted 8/27/2013 13:41 PM

Thank you for your perspective.

I basically caught him drinking when he wasn't supposed to and he went to his parents house to tell them he might need a place to stay and how horrible I treat him...He failed to tell them the drinking part. So, now I look like an asshole. When he's damn lucky I gave him a chance. I know drinking's a hard habit to kick, but I don't want him falling into old habits if you know what I mean. Apparently, alchohol made him do those OW.

LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 13:49 PM

That really sounds like an unfair position for you to be put in. If he's going to go to his parents' house, he should be disclosing why. You are clearly not the asshole in the equation, and he needs to own that.

If he told his parents why he was staying there, do you think they would deny him? Maybe that's another motivator for him to stay on track.

Missymomma posted 8/27/2013 14:45 PM

Liberty, this is an issue that has come up in my marriage and in my meetings. So I know there are many spouses of SAs that go through this, not sure about other addictions. It is part of the twisted thinking and playing the victim of an addict. So our boundary is that SAWH is not allowed to discuss me with other people in a negative way. If he wants to address something with me, in MC or in IC, that is fine. He is supposed to be focusing on himself.

libertyrocks posted 8/27/2013 15:10 PM

Thanks Losefwords. You're right, his mom has a hard enough time believing he is indeed an alchoholic.

Missy momma, that's good advice! Our MC's believe he isn't a SA bc SA have sex hundreds to thousands of times and he did not... His/our chemical dependency therapitsts say alchohol is the reason for his cheating. Not an excuse, but the reason....

Kelany posted 8/27/2013 15:24 PM

Why do you continually say alcohol made him cheat??? It didn't. Alcohol is not to blame for his ow/affairs. I feel for you but it drives me crazy when you write that. You are giving him an excuse, enabling him.

When I was addicted to pain pills they didn't make me be irresponsible with money, not care about my choices, and certainly didn't force me to make bad decisions. I did that. Not the pills.

My husband is a sex addict. He still made a conscious choice to cheat, knowing it was wrong.

Alcohol and his affairs are related, yes, but don't let him blame the alcohol. I know you say his addiction counselor says this, but is he telling you that or the counselor? Is it a legit therapist?

Anyway, we too have agreed to only talk about each other in a positive manner to others, family or not. Maybe you could talk to your in-laws, with him there to give a true understanding.

heartache101 posted 8/27/2013 15:37 PM

WOW..If my spouse spoke ill of me like that I would never be around him.

SA alcholic whatever his addiction there is no excuse to cut someone down if you love them!!!

libertyrocks posted 8/27/2013 16:27 PM

Sam,

Yes, both of them legit Kaiser MFT's one a psychologist as well. I know!! I so don't buy that either. But, all three of them keep telling me that. I think they convinced him as well!! That's why I still get pissed off once in a while. I can't shake the resentment. I KNOW this is going to be my dealbreaker. Not today or tomorrow, but one day I know I'm just going to kick him out, leave, and not feel bad or "do it for the kids."

I feel so confused. Most days things are good, then I think wtf am I doing?!?! I'm worth SO MUCH more than this...

Kelany posted 8/27/2013 18:13 PM

You need someone specializing in addiction, not just a family/marriage therapist.

Also is he going to AA? They'd set him straight real quick.

Its *dangerous* for him to have a scapegoat.

JustDesserts posted 8/27/2013 18:33 PM

His/our chemical dependency therapitsts say alcohol is the reason for his cheating. Not an excuse, but the reason....

Total and utter BS (Bullshit!). Uneffingbelievable! Check the diplomas on their walls...they must have been printed off the internet. Or they got them in some fourth world country. Their heads are as far up their asses as your WH's. WTF?!?!?

Edit to add: Whether alcoholism, alcohol abuse, or an alcohol fueled night...no excuses or valid reasons exist, imho.

Alcoholism/chemical dependency is a disease. And unless I've missed something, cheating isn't one if it's side effects. Liberty...go with your gut. It will serve you well.

JD

The "diploma" on my wall says: Nearly 19 years in recovery from alcoholism and chemical dependency (a nice way of saying drug addiction). Before sobriety, and until I "got it", I did three 28-day inpatient and also numerous outpatient programs over almost 4 years during my "chronic relapsing" phase. Thousands of AA & NA meetings.


[This message edited by JustDesserts at 7:21 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Rebreather posted 8/27/2013 19:03 PM

liberty, what did you do about his drinking in your home a few weeks back?

Honey, you gotta get some boundaries. Speaking ill of you it out of line. Period. This man continues to be an unsafe partner for you.

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