Personal opinion/ramble, no judgment to anyone else's experiences...
I was upset by porn. I became aware of my husband's use of it in Feb or March 2011. I had given birth to our son at the end of 2010, the doctor had had us wait several weeks to resume intimacy, and we were given the green light. *Before* my H started using porn.
For almost a month I wondered why he was rejecting me. Then, one day, he handed me his phone to download photos of our son from it. Imagine my surprise when all his dated and timestamped cookies also downloaded. I decided to play a sideshow for him of all the photos. He was drinking a soda. When the first porn photo came up, he spat out his drink and tried desperately to make the screen stop. Then the excuses started. "It's normal!" "It's what men need to do!" Stuff like that. No questions about how I was feeling. No concerns about how his hiding it made me feel. No reassurances that I was pretty enough for him.
And he continued watching it and frequently rejecting me for another 10 months afterward. Oh sure, he wasn't an addict. According to a website whose name I can't remember, they're not an addict if it's less than 11 hours in one week, and H was only watching four times a week or so, if his cookies were any indicator. Of course, we were only intimate once every two weeks, so...
I went nuts during this time. Said things that I should not have said. Took it way too personally. And grew to feel deeply insecure that my husband was watching other women have sex - one of the most intimate things you can ever see - and lusting over their bodies instead of mine. I asked him what he liked about me sexually - his answer: "we had a baby." I asked what he liked about the porn girls - after days of getting angry and defensive for me just asking the question, he finally said that their French nails were a turn-on. There were other things that happened during this period with real women, not porn related, that just heightened everything. I tried a couple of times to ask if we could watch it together - figured that maybe I'd see what turned him on, or maybe we would even enjoy it together if it were shared. He acted like I hadn't even spoken. Ignored me completely. I bought him a Penthouse Calendar and some Playboy magazines as an apology after he got angry with me. He put the calendar on his bedroom dresser, wrapping still on, and rolled marijuana joints on top of this naked woman's body. He didn't even have a picture of me or our son on his dresser. Instead he could see her naked body every time he smoked - several times a day. I was furious. I was stupid. What did I expect?
It also didn't help that he locked the baby and I out of our bedroom for the first 7 months, claiming he couldn't sleep if the baby cried because it freaked him out. Of course, it helped that he would watch porn in peace. And sometimes, if I could get the baby to rest, I'd come into the room to try to see if we could have sex. No, he would reject me. And he'd lock me out after I failed. Yet the cat was allowed to sleep in there with him.
At this point, I still dislike porn. But now I'm the one who watches it. I'm the one who decided that my self-esteem cannot measure up. I watch the girls to see what I could never be. I shut down the screen when an actor or actress has a wedding ring on and feel sick. Or if a girl looks even remotely uncomfortable in the video - I shut down the screen. She doesn't deserve that, she deserves better, and I will not support her abuse.
It feels like accepting my husband's sexuality if I can watch it, watch the porn, even though he never has watched it with me, and he refuses to even talk about it. Porn has become my reality on what sex is to my husband and about what sex he really likes. That's what sweetness looks like to him. I'm ordinary. I turn myself into the actress who sees sex as a performance... BECAUSE IT IS. That is ALL it is. It is about getting my husband's rocks off. It is not about my needs or about connecting emotionally. It's just a release for him. I'm not special. But he'd think I was a typical hysterical girl if I didn't accept porn. He probably still does think that of me.
He got off on it and enjoyed it with no regrets, and sometimes he still does. I can always tell because he's different in bed, more passionate - noticeably so. It's also the only time he tries new moves. Anything I suggest, no - but after porn he does crazy fun positions. It kills the sweetness to realize he's only doing it because he saw some hotter chick doing it on screen earlier. He's probably picturing her. If he goes down on me on any day that isn't my birthday (since he's refused to in the past, though he used to regularly on his exes), I wonder if he's been watching porn or cheating. I shouldn't be wondering that! I should be happy for him that he's watching, thinking about, and having sex that he's enjoying. Shouldn't I be happy for him?
/rant.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:23 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]