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Wrestling With Myself

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brokendancer7 posted 8/27/2013 13:38 PM

I am wrestling with myself. I was able to view many of fWH's deleted texts from the time the A was going on. There was the usual dippy crap you would expect - I love you, you are so beautiful, never felt this way, blah, blah, and from OW, "I want to s$ck yr beautiful d#%k", etc. If you can't handle taking a journey deep into the fog, you shouldn't read affair texts!

There were other things, though, that either didn't match up with the truth as he has told it since DD, or were omitted from the story. I have done a lot of matching with my texts from that time, the calendar, credit card bills, etc, so I'm pretty sure about this stuff.

We are hanging in there since DD, both seeing IC as well as weekly MC. I am as sure as I can be, under the circumstances, that he has had no contact at all with her. I have all passwords, total phone access, and he has spent all of his non-work time with me. He even falls asleep before I do. He seems to feel awful, despairing, regretful, and says he will do anything for me not to leave. I am sure he has not told me about the discrepancies because they are especially embarrassing or he "doesn't want to hurt me (or himself) any more"

He has said he will talk about and tell me anything, and I would like to ask him about this stuff. But I feel embarrassed, because it was kind of sneaky to look at things he deleted. Of course, he sneaked around, destroyed my life, as well as risked my health, so a little information gathering isn't so bad. Or is it?

LosferWords posted 8/27/2013 13:46 PM

Information gathering is not bad, and it should be accepted by your husband. Like you said, he snuck around on you. You have every right to know what's going on in your own house and in your own marriage.

The tricky part is whether or not to disclose what your sources are, at the risk of him trying to cover stuff up even more thoroughly.

If you want to bring the deleted texts up, fair game. If you want to let him know that you know more than he is telling, that is fair game, too.

Perhaps discussing this ahead of time with your MC to figure out how to address it might be a way to go?

Best of luck to you. So sorry you are dealing with all of this.

TxsT posted 8/27/2013 14:01 PM

ASK THE QUESTIONS!!!!!! Do not hesitate. This will haunt you forever, it will not go away.

You had every right to sneak, he gave up his right to privacy when he decided to do what he did. Don't feel bad about sneaking, you are just trying to put your wandering mind at ease.

Do not go back to burying hurtful or distressing things. I would assume after all this hell you want a marriage that is open and honest from here on out. That openness has to come from you too. You have to be able to say the tough stuff even if you are worried it might make a mess of things. I had a hard time too being this way at first. I am a worry wart and was trained from a very young age not to rock the boat, to keep my dissatisfaction to myself. Well look where that lead me!!!

Ask all of your questions, your mind will only rest until it feels you know this will never again happen to you. Only you will know when that has been accomplished.


Rebreather posted 8/27/2013 17:30 PM

Agree with the above.

Ask about the differences. Not only do you deserve the truth, but it is imperative for your wayward to face the reality as well. It is hard. It might suck. But it is really important that you do it.

Good luck.

brokendancer7 posted 8/27/2013 20:53 PM

I know I have to have that conversation. If I don't, I'm going to go crazy. I've had a stomach ache for days, and my heart pounds every time I think about it. Thank you for the support!

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/27/2013 22:18 PM

Agree that you should ask the questions. Ask everything that you want to ask. If you don't ask, it will just keep bothering you.

On a different note, how did you get the deleted texts back? My WS insists that it's not possible on an iphone, and he says that I should trust him because he's a tech geek.

brokendancer7 posted 8/28/2013 23:25 PM

Thank you for giving me the courage to actually have the conversation. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Some things weren't actually as bad as I had feared, and there were some that were worse, but I feel like we may finally be getting to the actual truth.

Thanks again. I would probably suffered on for weeks without y'all's advice.

5454real posted 8/28/2013 23:29 PM

My WS insists that it's not possible on an iphone, and he says that I should trust him because he's a tech geek.

Yep, and so honest too.

brokendancer7 posted 8/29/2013 12:55 PM

Lonelygirl, I sent you a PM with my experiences.

AML04 posted 8/29/2013 13:17 PM

Lonelygirl-If they haven't wiped their phone you can usually get some. I bought some software to recover them but since they had been deleted, a lot of it was jumbled or the dates were off (2018??). It still gave me a better picture than he was giving me and I did ask him about things.

PamJ posted 8/29/2013 14:24 PM

I would not let it fester. I would tell him you know certain things, or that some things don't add up or whatever info you have, without telling him how you know. Just make it clear you know, that you are not guessing, or he may hedge and try to tell you that you are wrong or there was an explanation.

At one point I had to push my WH to tell me something he was denying or holding back on even though I could not prove it, and could not MAKE him remember a password to another aol acct he claimed to have not used, and since forgotten.

I simply told him this was a problem for me that was not going to go away and if he was serious about us staying together I needed to know all the details.

A short while later he miraculously remembered the password "Try xxxxxx" , he said as if that MIGHT be it, you know, the one he had probably used 1000 times or more.

He thought I would open it and see nothing, no activity and believe that he had set it up long ago and never used it. Imagine his surprise when his OW's 4 different screen/user names were sitting right there in his contact list- oops!

It wasn't that I didn't know and he hadn't already admitted he had taken up with her again, it was more the fact that he wouldn't admit to this account because I had asked him about it some 2-3 months earlier, this acct that popped up on his gmail one time when he transferred something to it, and he had blown me off, had no idea what it was, where it came from etc. He tried to tell me he was reading email on his phone and tried to send something to his gmail acct and doesn't know how that email address got into it. It was not like any of the other addresses he had used before and he thought he was being really clever that time.

Why don't they know they will always get caught?

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